#1
Haven't posted in a bit. Here's a bit of an OTS piece.
C4C leave links please.

Pet Names
People pull wisdom teeth out of dreamers and prophets
You laid me on the ice, and push so softly,
Is it compulsory to slowly glide around a point of interest?
I don’t feel threatened,
Just troubled
A quarantined case of the
“Wish you were sicks”
Look here, in this box
You’ll find me and sign that reads ‘free puppies’
Take me home

Sobriquets don’t even apply to me anymore
Seeing as how no one even bothers
Pet names have always grown old

Pass around cold veins so I can know the junkie release
Slapstick across the face of a genuine rule-book
Tell me about yourself,
Your family
I will listen to these ghosts day in and out
You have no idea, nor perception
Of depth

Call me by Thousands of names,
All-in-all its only ‘friend’
Cut into my freshly cooked meal
Smells bombard our sensuous fields
Then tell me you are impartial

Our dreamscape is a storybook that I wrote when I was six
I fed you a spoon full, bit by bit
Maybe now we aren’t so sick
Never again will I love such a vintage myth


Thanks to all those who have helped so far. Out of everything I have posted here, I really think this one is one of my best. I changed a bit from suggestions, but still need input.
Also to anyone who cares, the type of music I put my lyrics to are generally acoustic, a mix between just basic folk-style strumming, Dave Matthew Bands Percussive Rifts, and just general experimentation. Indie is where it's at . Hopefully I can get recording equip soon and you all can hear some of it.
this one is for you.
Last edited by Ebshabutiee at Nov 1, 2008,
#3
First off, thanks for the crit. I appreciate it. Secondly, I really enjoyed reading this piece. I loved the opeinging line. However I had a problem with the second line. Why would they put teeth on ice. It doesn't make sense to me. Also the third line doesn't do anything for me and only makes me think, "Why the hell is he asking me this?" Maybe consider adding something about canine teeth since it would connect it with the "free pups" at the end. The second and third stanza were brilliant. But I had a problem with the "I will listen.../lit on fire..." lines. Don't get me wrong it's good imagery. But I just feel that imagery doesn't feel right there and sticks out like a sore thumb. I loved the first two lines of the foruth stanza but the next two lines need two connect better w/ each other. "Freshly cooked meal" and "embroided" just don't fit together. Either go with the sewing theme or the food theme. I liked the atmosphere the last stanza had. It just felt so serene. I would make a few minor tweaks to it though. "My dreamscape is storybook I read when I was six/It was about a prince and I loved every bit/ But Never again will I love such a vintage myth". Anyways great job with this one.
#4
Firstly, this impressed me.

Pet Names
People pull wisdom teeth out of dreamers and prophets
Lay them on the ice and push so softly
Is it compulsory to slowly glide around a point of interest?
I don’t feel threatened,
Just troubled
A quarantined case of the
“Wish you where sicks”
Look here, in this box
You’ll find me and sign that reads ‘free pups’
Take me home

This troubled me, you skip across ideas and other than the title line you fail to draw on them to maximise their potential. I loved the first 2 lines, I love the image it implies, of the ice keeping the tooth fresh and the 'planting' as though it would grow into something more. L3, well yeah, it's in there, it says something, but really what is its relevance?
“Wish you where sicks” - ? 'were' maybe?
Didn't like the last three lines, see the connection, didn't feel anything in them however.


Sobriquets don’t even apply to me anymore
Seeing as how no one even bothers
Pet names have always grown old
We have all drank our way through a bottle of tears

First word is a favourite of mine, so I smiled at that. Again, mixed ideas that don't develop fully. For me the weakest stanza of them all. This could have been said in one line and without that final, meh line.

Pass around cold veins so I can know the junkie release
Slapstick across the face of a genuine rule-book
Tell me about yourself,
Your family
I will listen to a ghost and to a rabid tree,
Lit on fire and speaking in tongues
You have no idea, nor perception
Of depth

Great wordplay, and not heading towards the incoherent either. I felt you did a better job of sticking on task here, milking the idea better. As above I wasn't a fan of the 'tree' line, I felt if you had stuck with the ghost image you wouldn't have distracted the reader at all and they could have continued with the same image throughout, so perhaps find a way to say what you did linked with the ghost. Last lines are good.

Call me by Thousands of names,
All-in-all its only ‘friend’
Cut into my freshly cooked meal
My embroidered being
Then tell me you are impartial

Again as above, 'embroidered' didn't sit right in the stanza, another case of you distracting the reader too much.

Our dreamscape is a storybook that I wrote when I was six
I fed you a spoon full, bit by bit
Maybe now we aren’t so sick
Never again will I love such a vintage myth

Strong ending if not slightly enigmatic, perhaps that's what you were going for, but in a piece like this a more astute ending would have faired the reader better when they leave the piece.

As I said above I was impressed by this. You're a writer I feel comfortable reading, that you have an original vein in your body you regularly abuse. I'd also like to see you work in a slightly more rigid structure, this piece jerked around with line length and tone, so if there's anything to improve on I feel that is a good direction.


If you have the time: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=989769
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#5
Pet Names
People pull wisdom teeth out of dreamers and prophets starts off great
Lay them on the ice and push so softly
Is it compulsory to slowly glide around a point of interest?
I don’t feel threatened, I really liked this, the first few lines seemed a little dream like (which I liked) but this kind of brought me back a little bit.Just troubled
A quarantined case of the
“Wish you where sicks”
Look here, in this box
You’ll find me and sign that reads ‘free pups’ Maybe use "puppies" of "kitties" it will give it a more childish feel that i think will fit good here.Take me home

Sobriquets don’t even apply to me anymore
Seeing as how no one even bothers
Pet names have always grown old
We have all drank our way through a bottle of tears
Pass around cold veins so I can know the junkie release I like how you used "know" instead of "feel"
Slapstick across the face of a genuine rule-book
Tell me about yourself,
Your family
I will listen to a ghost and to a rabid tree,
Lit on fire and speaking in tongues
You have no idea, nor perception
Of depth
Loved this ^^^

Call me by Thousands of names,
All-in-all its only ‘friend’
Cut into my freshly cooked meal
My embroidered being
Then tell me you are impartial

Our dreamscape is a storybook that I wrote when I was six I like that you added on "I wrote when I was six." Theres that child-like element again that you could use of "pups"I fed you a spoon full, bit by bit
Maybe now we aren’t so sick
Never again will I love such a vintage myth


Overall I really liked it. It was amazingly enjoyable to read. I may go as far as to say it was somewhat brilliant.
#6
Quote by Ebshabutiee


Pet Names
People pull wisdom teeth out of dreamers and prophets
You laid me on the ice, and push so softly,
Is it compulsory to slowly glide around a point of interest?
I don’t feel threatened,
Just troubled
A quarantined case of the
“Wish you were sicks”
Look here, in this box
You’ll find me and sign that reads ‘free puppies’
Take me home

The word compulsory through me off from the context here
the parenthesis here wasn't in thread with the rest of the stanza.
I also thought that quarantined seems quite isolated
in where it isplaced. I suggest you should try re-reading
this without it and with it, the word quarantined, and then decide on
what you think works best, as the author.

Sobriquets don’t even apply to me anymore
Seeing as how no one even bothers
Pet names have always grown old

Again sobriquets doesn't feel in place here. But apart from that I this piece wasn't bad, you should probably add an extra line after that last line, maybe?

Pass around cold veins so I can know the junkie release
Slapstick across the face of a genuine rule-book
Tell me about yourself,
Your family
I will listen to these ghosts day in and out
You have no idea, nor perception
Of depth

This was awesome. I love the insight that you brought in here. It was very interesting and read like something worth interpretation on. Very well done.

Call me by Thousands of names,
All-in-all its only ‘friend’
Cut into my freshly cooked meal
Smells bombard our sensuous fields
Then tell me you are impartial

This was quite shallow compared to that last stanza; it lacked the insightfulness . But that doesn't make this bad at all, I liked. Bombard and sensuous felt a little too much for what seems to be a simple stanza, a calm before the storm if you will. Amends?

Our dreamscape is a storybook that I wrote when I was six
I fed you a spoon full, bit by bit
Maybe now we aren’t so sick
Never again will I love such a vintage myth

Good, a slight change of tone here and a satirical ode to nostalgia. Well done. I didn't care much about that second line though, I must say.






BTW check out WOTM
Last edited by Bleed Away at Nov 1, 2008,
#8
I liked this a lot, it just feels a bit too sporadic at times. Too much going on in the first stanza for instance. It criss-crossed between a half-dozen ideas and never really stopped to delve deeply into any of them. The ideas were nice, and the writing was pretty... it just didn't feel like it accomplished as much as it could have.

I don't have much else beyond the fact that I was left feeling like you never went as deeply as you could have.

Thanks for getting to mine, sorry I don't have a whole lot to add. This was nicely done... it just feels like you have stretched it to its full potential.