#1
Be as brutal as as you need to. im not sure what to think about this one


she muttered something that sounded like...
"I'm sorry." and "This wasn't supposed to happen."
Through half-assed smiles I outwardly blew it off,
"Don't worry about it.", my mind miles in the opposite direction.

Romantic cooing and brittle lies wouldn't save us this time.

I whipped out the switchblade from my back pocket and struck;
A decisive slash that should have been her throat...
But instead i aimed a bit lower -
Severing the strings attached to the fingers of this marionette-master,
Dropping me off the edge of the metaphorical cliff,
i had been on since day one.

I giggled as i plunged down -
Landing on a bed and soft downy pillows, next to an angel.

Silly girl, you aren't the only one replaceable.
#2
I like the idea of it. I'm staring at the words, not really knowing what to make of it. I don't like "half-assed smiles, I outwardly". It smells bad. "outwardly" is a difficult word to fit in certain places, like a sombrero, you know? Use it very sparingly, use it very effectively.

I comprehend the fact that the first stanza ends and the segway line is supposed to lead into an effect, cause-and-effect style, but it doesn't ring with me. The third part also makes sense, but is slightly disjointed for some reason.

I'm left confused by it. Maybe I just don't see it, maybe I'm just not clicking tonight, but I'm very 'meh, I don't know' about this. It doesn't scream good or bad, nor even inbetween. 'meh' doesn't even describe it, so I'm going to stop, and go think about something else.

I do like the last line, though.
#3
I like about 50% of the material.
I would cut out the "and" separating the quotes and make them one. I agree with spike about the "outwardly blowing it off line. their is no flow. maybe say something along the lines of "through a half assed smile I accepted her apology, my mind already miles away"

I love the "brittle lies" line thats gold!

I have a hard time going along with the switchblade, it sounds a bit to comic book like.

"marionette master" good line. it needs a stronger following than metaphorical cliff(I would avoid using this word being that the song is essentially a metaphor

The shift in feelings from the switchblade and throat slitting to giggling and downy pillows doesn't work, too childish.

good work. keep re writing. and repost. I'm interested to see more from you.
C4C
#4
Thanks guys, yeah I see what you two are saying and i'll be revising this soon. thanks for the input and ill be getting back to you guys soon, meaning tonight

yeah the switchblade part was a bit sudden. i should have more foreshadowing to it or rewrite it all together.the giggling/ landing part was supposed to be the narrator laughing at the irony of the situation, as he has already replaced the girl who has replaced him. ill toy with changing just the wording and rewriting the whole line to see which i think fits best more.
Last edited by AtreyuOwnz at Oct 31, 2008,