#1
Yeah....I think I said I was 13 before, but I'm actually 14. I think this is one of my best poem/song type things yet. I wrote this in religion class a few weeks ago. I went back over and edited it. Just some slight changes. If anyone can help me out with suggestions or anything like that...that'd be awsome. The idea behind it is pretty simple so if you get it tell me....I love it when people understand what I'm saying. (It's got a little Kurt Cobain reference in there )
C4C and be harsh I NEED TO KNOW!!!


A Clean Head

Let’s shave off half our heads
And watch the hair grow back over
Everything we’ve lost
All the filthy morning afters
And the so called “one-of-a-kinds”
That somehow got tangled together
And caught in the gaps between
My skin and my logic

Where cocaine is judge and jury
And the narcissistic waste away
Behind dirty tv screens
And under the influence
Of the excessive lifestyle
I call my generation

Where I would die
With one last cigarette on my breath
(Feeding addiction until the very end)
With crushed ivory still screaming through my veins
And a revolver neatly tucked into the crevices
Of my left eye socket
Ready for action

Only to wake up
And come to the quite humorous realization
That love is but an illusion
And life itself is the disease
The teenage angst
In my burning nauseous stomach

I am useless
And I still have a full head of hair
#2
The last three stanzas (not including the last two lines) didn't really say anything. "Where all this stuff" what?

Do you understand waht I mean? I don't understand what you are trying to say there. Are you saying let's shave our heads at this place? And then, "only to wake up" I guess the whole thing was a dream. Reading it, I felt that the narrative could have been clearer. But maybe I just suck at reading? Who knows.
#3
I's basically about how people make me sick. And people would do stupid things like shave their heads or even kill themselves just to be cool. The shaving heads and the hair growing back also acts as kind of a metaphor for realization and rebirth. It's basically about how and why I'm embarassed to be part of this generation.

Hope that clears it up a little bit.....Im glad to know what you think tho, thanks.

Listen to my covers here.


"Some even claim that I'm a terror, a dictator and they're right." - Lou Reed


AK-ROWDY
#5
I quite like it actually.
I'm not so keen on the crushed ivory bit (I assume you're referring to cocaine or something?)
Sorry for being picky but it should be just Crevice (without the 's')
Of my left eye socket
I don't really like the 'teenage angst' line very much either.
Aside from that, I like it

Check mine out (see sig) if you have time
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

#6
I really like this and feel like it's got a lot of potential. I particularly enjoy how it's closed with the "I'm useless and I still have a head full of hair" line. If it's a song I'm not sure how well it will flow, but as a poem I think it works great. Not much I found wrong or bad about it, so good job man.