#1
c4c. I still owe some, I'm getting there eventually.


I'm a paramount of imperfection.

I held her hand today; because
it was cold (not because I care).
Helped us both to stay warm inside.
Made me a bit jittery,
fingers sliding between fingers and
my liver doing a jig around itself.

Daddy always told me not to fall in love.
"you're a man, boy. Men don't love;
they're loved. They don't cry; they
hold the woman who's crying. They don't feel;
emotion is for the weak."

If daddy could have seen me with her today,
he'd have told me I'm just another
faggot.
#2
First of all let me say that I really enjoyed this piece. Howveer, in the first line I would consider dropping either the "I'm" or the "just". Also the "first" stanza I consider restructuring the first few lines to something like.

I held some girl's hand today
Only caring about was the cold
She helped me stay warm inside
But made me shiver quite a bit

I probably just made it worst, but whatever. The "second" stanza I really liked. It just feels so real. However the "You see..." seems kind of necessary. Alos there's something about the end of this piece I didn't like. The content is superb, but I feel that you need to through in an "again" in there. Something that says hey, this wouldn't be the first time his dad's called him a faggot/pussy/sissy/etc. Anyways, nice job with this, man.

Crit mine please
Sweet as a Lamb
#3
That was extremely good. I wouldn't change a thing, and i agree with TMV about the second stanza being the best out of all of it. The ending was wonderful. Ended with such a punch.

Pet Names My newest piece, crit would be great whenever you get the chance!
this one is for you.
#7
"I'm just another FAGGOT! I'm just another FAGGOT!"

I loved this. Something simple, brittle and honest, something I personally think you have lacked recently.
#9
I don't have anything constructive to say... but I'll post anyway. This was great.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
The first stanza felt a bit undecisive (though it's all I can think to say of it since you posted this). The line breaks in stanza two were murder. I hated them, though I enjoyed the content and delivery. "The faggot" bit was excellent.

Personally, I didn't like the first line. It adds to the idea, but doesn't work with what immediately follows. Hell, if you want, put it at the end of the first stanza. It connects into the stanza two nicely, and serves as a good transition.

I also didn't like the word "daddy". Maybe you're trying to say something about your character with it, but I don't think it really takes him somewhere you want to go. I dunno, I just don't like it.

All I can say. Sorry for being horrible at returning crits. I enjoyed the piece.
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Nov 2, 2008,
#11
I'm a paramount of imperfection.

What about 'the'? 'A' paramount isn't very impactful, as there could be others your equal... and if that's the case then what's the point in the word paramount?

I held her hand today; because
it was cold (not because I care).
Helped us both to stay warm inside.
Made me a bit jittery,
fingers sliding between fingers and
my liver doing a jig around itself.

jig = happy. I understand what you're trying to say but try something other than jig.

Daddy always told me not to fall in love.
"you're a man, boy. Men don't love;
they're loved. They don't cry; they
hold the woman who's crying. They don't feel;
emotion is for the weak."

Did your dad actually say that? Does anyone's?

If daddy could have seen me with her today,
he'd have told me I'm just another
faggot.
__________________

This seems odd.. is the protagonist actually guilty about loving someone? Cause the father figure is made to seem VERY nasty in the last stazna but we've got no idea if the protagonist actually cares?

Does the protagonist care about the views of his father?

I held her hand today; because
it was cold (not because I care).
Helped us both to stay warm inside.
Made me a bit jittery,
fingers sliding between fingers and
my liver doing a jig around itself.

seems to suggest that he's ... a bit nervous about the whole affair but still, all in all, in love and happy about it.

Which makes me look at the father's rantings and go '... well who cares, it's obviously not worked'.


Maybe show us the protagonist overcoming his father to get to the stage he appears to be at in the poem? Otherwise this poem is kind of flat/lacking conflict for me. The two different views are in conflict, but they never come into contact.
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#12
^ You just stated everything about the poem I would be absolutely disgusted to see him saying. It would be extremely amateur. As far as the two views: it's called juxtaposition.

I think this could do without the first line. Iunno.

Everything else is lovely, sir.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#13
ah, good to see you've found your feet again. I can really connect with this poem, because i've always been infuriated by the stereotypical male view that all men should be emotionless carvings. This summed up my feelings perfectly. Well done, Zach
#14
Quote by meh!
I'm a paramount of imperfection.

What about 'the'? 'A' paramount isn't very impactful, as there could be others your equal... and if that's the case then what's the point in the word paramount?

I held her hand today; because
it was cold (not because I care).
Helped us both to stay warm inside.
Made me a bit jittery,
fingers sliding between fingers and
my liver doing a jig around itself.

jig = happy. I understand what you're trying to say but try something other than jig.

Daddy always told me not to fall in love.
"you're a man, boy. Men don't love;
they're loved. They don't cry; they
hold the woman who's crying. They don't feel;
emotion is for the weak."

Did your dad actually say that? Does anyone's?

If daddy could have seen me with her today,
he'd have told me I'm just another
faggot.
__________________

This seems odd.. is the protagonist actually guilty about loving someone? Cause the father figure is made to seem VERY nasty in the last stazna but we've got no idea if the protagonist actually cares?

Does the protagonist care about the views of his father?

I held her hand today; because
it was cold (not because I care).
Helped us both to stay warm inside.
Made me a bit jittery,
fingers sliding between fingers and
my liver doing a jig around itself.

seems to suggest that he's ... a bit nervous about the whole affair but still, all in all, in love and happy about it.

Which makes me look at the father's rantings and go '... well who cares, it's obviously not worked'.


Maybe show us the protagonist overcoming his father to get to the stage he appears to be at in the poem? Otherwise this poem is kind of flat/lacking conflict for me. The two different views are in conflict, but they never come into contact.



I think you just might be an idiot. It's not a ****ing novel, use your mind and fill in the blanks yourself. Either that or take your over-analysis elsewhere. It's an art not a science.
#15
First line is almost verbose compared to the rest of the poem. Line breaks are funny.

I don't know how I feel about this. But about 90% of the time I think it's superb and well-written, so let's go with that.
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#17
Quote by Bullcrunky
I think you just might be an idiot. It's not a ****ing novel, use your mind and fill in the blanks yourself. Either that or take your over-analysis elsewhere. It's an art not a science.


bal bla bla, the point of this is to criticise - I don't see the two voices impacting on each other at all and that made it dull for me. I'll remember to make my next crit twice as long and twice as scientific, just for you.


Quote by culex-knight
^ You just stated everything about the poem I would be absolutely disgusted to see him saying. It would be extremely amateur. As far as the two views: it's called juxtaposition.



Yes, I do know what juxtaposition is, ( ) I just don't think it works. As far as i'm can see, random vagueness isn't the same as alluding to something or being subtle.
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#19
I really liked that
I'm not so on 'jig' but it's not as if it lets the whole thing down or anything
Good message as well.

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#20
Hey. I'm going to stay fairly short :

I liked the opener and the ensuing stanza (minus the brackets), that was really well written.

The "Daddy" stanza felt totally unoriginal to me, I read this a thousand times before. That third line has awful flow with the full stop, the semi-colon and then the awkward line break
(they're loved. They don't cry; they)

then, the transition to the last stanza is just jumpy, as someone else stated. This ain't juxtaposition for me, because the narrator refers directly to the "dad". The connection is existent, but imho badly done.
That last line break seemed so forced to me and made the whole piece loose it's whole credibility. It just seemed so immature writing-wise. It's a very S&L-ish ending, in a bad way. (I hope you get what I'm saying).

all in all, that started off pretty well, but you totally lost me as this dragged on. I remember liking most of your stuff, but this piece I nearly hated.

Hope I was constructive enough.

good luck