#1
(This is Angela Sanders coming to you live
from the scene of yet another murder mystery)

Tonight I'm going to take the power back,
I'm going to be your last caress,
I'm going to bring your daughter to the slaughter
so I'll wake you up as soon as we get to the water.

Death
for no reason
is murder.

So run, rabbit,
run, rabbit,
run, run, run,
tonight I'm singing to the symphony of destruction,
I'm gonna make her suffer, gonna make her cry,
gonna kill a man just to watch him die

I'll take a shot of cocaine and shoot my woman down
Make her scream, make her shout, we'll rock this town,
and it's just a shot away
for the man ole bitches who degrade me every day

Every poet wants to kill Shakespeare
and I've got a 32-20 in my hand
I'm sick and tired of paying homage to the altar,
a woman's gotta make a stand

If this is Halloween, this is Halloween,
I want to shoot the whole day down.
My Jekyll doesn’t hide, dear friends,
just wait for when I come around.



fun, of course, and I should be sleeping
not been writing well lately, you may be able to tell
so I decided not to...
so I hope there's someone who doesn't hate it
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#2
cool.
I have mixed comments though.
I don't really see how the title relates to the song/poem. (although it's a very good title).
Also I don't really like the rabbit part, doesn't really fit in with the whole murder/halloween thing. However it could be thought of as contrast, but I feel that you should make that a bit more evident.
I REALLY like the death for no reason part
And the Shakespeare stanza
so yeah a bit of work and it could be very good
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

#3
That is twice in one night where I have read something and it has contained a line that is from another song from bands I adore... lines that most likely no one else will guess...
I'll return to this, I just scanned it.
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Oct 31, 2008,
#4
Umm, grotesque, frankly.

Lacked imagination, seemed like jumbled ideas amassed into an array of crude forlore and imitation.

~Sorry.
Once We Were Anarchists
#5
Bout time I got to one of yours...


(This is Angela Sanders coming to you live
from the scene of yet another murder mystery)

Tonight I'm going to take the power back,
I'm going to be your last caress,
I'm going to bring your daughter to the slaughter
so I'll wake you up as soon as we get to the water.

Personally, I hated these rhymes. I'm sure laid out differently they could work, but it's just how you presented them that made me feel negatively about them.

Death
for no reason
is murder.

Sorry, but I also hated this 'statement', I see the purpose and see what you aimed at, but I just hated how it was so definitive.

So run, rabbit,
run, rabbit,
run, run, run,
tonight I'm singing to the symphony of destruction,
I'm gonna make her suffer, gonna make her cry,
gonna kill a man just to watch him die

Whoa, getting lots of vibes from certain lines. Queen and Cash jump out at me; now I'm never one to disagree with using lines from other artists, I like it, if the overall vibe of the piece requires it, I'm still 50/50 with this piece.

I'll take a shot of cocaine and shoot my woman down
Make her scream, make her shout, we'll rock this town,
and it's just a shot away
for the man ole bitches who degrade me every day

Every poet wants to kill Shakespeare
and I've got a 32-20 in my hand
I'm sick and tired of paying homage to the altar,
a woman's gotta make a stand

If this is Halloween, this is Halloween,
I want to shoot the whole day down.
My Jekyll doesn’t hide, dear friends,
just wait for when I come around.

I'll just jump to the end here. What have you said differently in the last 3 stanzas that couldn't be said in one strong and concise single stanza? It'd have far more effect on the reader than separating it as you have. Only a cull of some of the more repetitive lines could condense this enough for me. You've got the ideas here, too many I feel, but I feel like you knew what you wanted to say but couldn't quite get there so wrote until you did. I really liked the pun in the penultimate line and do like the overall tone of this piece. Just say what needs to be said and not a letter more.

I don't think I chose the right piece of yours to critique so I will get to your next too, to see what you really are all about.


If you have time: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=989769

peACE
Steve
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#6
I really got nothing out of it. But I guess you've sort of explained that. Just a bit of fun. I'm not particularly a fan of all the lines you used from other places. I think it is good in moderation, i.e. once in a piece, maybe two or thee times. I think there were good ideas behind it, but the execution didn't do them justice. I say, better luck next time on this one.

Comment mine? I'd appreciate it. I'm really trying to get back into writing regularly, and at a consistent level.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=990324
Last edited by DorkusMalorkus at Nov 1, 2008,
#7
I don't understand why so many people aren't getting to the nits and grits of this. Well, of course, it's quite possible they are, they just don't feel the same way about this like I do.
If this was aimed to be a piece of fun? I had fun.
If this piece was aimed to be a desperate, joyless example of falling into the normal ways of life and begrudging it? I felt it.
What more can you ask for?
#8
I feel the same way as this.

It could be better. But, you know. I felt it, s'all that matters.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#9
I mostly agree with Steve, so this post will be short, but I particularly didn't like the bit in the opening brackets.

on the flip side though, I did like the tone of this quite a bit. sounded like it'd make a good country song, in the vain of "the night the lights went out in georgia".

so basically the feel of this is really impressive, but I can kinda tell that you're in somewhat of a block for much of the same reasoning that's already been presented and I don't feel like typing out right now.
#10
Quote by Danny7
Umm, grotesque, frankly.

Lacked imagination, seemed like jumbled ideas amassed into an array of crude forlore and imitation.

~Sorry.


Way to essentially contradict yourself; you've got it way backwards. Songs and poems that are bound by rhyme and reason are the ones that lack imagination. This poem is probably one of the few good ones I've ever seen posted on UG.

one thing he did better than most UG lyrics: he avoided lines like: Put your hands in the air, like you just don't care.
#11
Great stuff, I commend you for actually trying to write unlike most of the half-wits on this forum who rhyme the first thing that comes to mind.

First off, the title, great play on words.
As for the rest of it, i can't really pick out great lines because it flows so well. Well done! . Don't listen to most of the people harping on this piece, trust me.
#12
I laughed. I cried. I just can't take all the offhand song references. I think it was doomed from the start when you mentioned "take your daughter to the slaughter" because I automatically associate anything with Iron Maiden to being poor, especially in lyrical quality. Oh well, this was a throwaway piece anyway I expect.
#13
Thanks all, but...

1. This was a drunken write and I can't remember doing it
2. There is practically no writing in this, every line is nicked from other song lyrics
3.
4. This has got a billion more replies than the serious thing I posted this week
5. If a mod jumps over, can they please lock it?
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!