#1
It's Just the Same Old, Man.

Every now and then,
I watch my neighbor's wife
frantically run out of the house,
get into her car,
and speed off.
He,
quickly runs out into the
street afterwards,
drops to his knees,
and beats his head off
the asphalt
while crying and
making noises a man
should never make.

It's quite disturbing
to see all that blood,
and there's no walking
away from it -
the skull's pop, pop,
pop from each impact.
And he'll continue on,
until the part where he's
telling the cops that he
couldn't find his
medicine, again.

Borrrrrrrrriiiiiing.

I'd like to plow his wife
and see how interesting
things get, then.
...
I pop another nerve pill
I got from somewhere,
and think on it some more.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Oct 31, 2008,
#2
Man I loved what you were saying here, I really did. The first stanza was a peach, really a style I am beginning to understand. Stanza 2 nearly as good, still a really strong read.

Then I was cut down. I really hated the 'borrrrrinnggg', like really. I appreciate what you were doing, but it fell flat imo. Something far more understated would have the same effect, a sigh, a moan anything.

I like the ending, nothing more. Still I'm left feeling as though I really enjoyed this piece.

If there's a gap in your diary, I have a new piece up: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=989769
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#3
Every now and then,
I watch my neighbor's wife
frantically run out of the house,
get into her car,
and speed off.
He,
quickly runs out into the
street afterwards,
drops to his knees,
and beats his head off
the asphalt
while crying and
making noises a man
should never make.

I don't understand the line breaks, other than for some help with flow. It seems as if it may as well have been a paragraph. I'd have liked it that way too. I sort of liked "beats his head off" and sort of did not. It had multiple meanings when I read it, and the contrast of beating off/beating on was good, but I question its effectiveness. But as a piece of narrative, I enjoyed it.

It's quite disturbing
to see all that blood,
and there's no walking
away from it -
the skull's pop, pop,
pop from each impact.
And he'll continue on,
until the part where he's
telling the cops that he
couldn't find his
medicine, again.

Good up until the 7th line. Whatever you mean to say, upon the first read, was lost by "until the part." I felt like there could have been a stronger way to let readers know that eventually the cops come waka waka waka

Borrrrrrrrriiiiiing.

Hated the boring. It removes the reader to much. The best I could equate it to is a profound, moving lecture in a classroom only to have some jerk yell "borrrring" right at the best part. It'd work just much better to say, in my opinion, "But that's far too boring"

I'd like to plow his wife
and see how interesting
things get, then.
...
I pop another nerve pill
I got from somewhere,
and think on it some more.

Wasn't a fan of the "..." or the two lines after it. The use of 'pop' after the earlier 'pop, pop, pop' bugged me. The nerve pill, I assumed it was the man's medicine, just came from "somewhere" and that bothered me. Perhaps something to clue readers into where it came from. "medicine cabinet's of the abandoned" "stranger's houses" anything just not "somewhere"

Overall, I really did like the piece. I just pointed out each bit I didn't like because I'm negative. I liked the narrative, it was strong, and clear, and it seems like you know how you like to write, and that is something I struggle to do. Congrats on that. Good job. I enjoyed it.

here is my latest:
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=990324
#4
**** it, I loved it.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
i thought the boring worked perfectly. and the line breaks are fine. it just highlights your adoration of bukowski... prose with linebreaks. reads great.
#7
thank you guys.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
Quote by ottoavist
It's Just the Same Old, Man.

Every now and then,
I watch my neighbor's wife
frantically run out of the house,
get into her car,
and speed off.
He,
quickly runs out into the
street afterwards,
drops to his knees,
and beats his head off
the asphalt
while crying and
making noises a man
should never make.

Those last two lines had a lot of impact on this piece, in a positive way of course. This was great but the only thing I didn't particularly enjoy was the 'knee' mentioned-I don't know, it didn't really convey much more of a picture in my head with or without it.

It's quite disturbing
to see all that blood,
and there's no walking
away from it -
the skull's pop, pop,
pop from each impact.
And he'll continue on,
until the part where he's
telling the cops that he
couldn't find his
medicine, again.

That comma after again was glorious. You've really seemed to have mastered this new craft of yours. The line breaks were great, they were used effectively
unlike others I have read. Good man.

Borrrrrrrrriiiiiing.

Nothing bad here.

I'd like to plow his wife
and see how interesting
things get, then.
...
I pop another nerve pill
I got from somewhere,
and think on it some more.

"Plow his wife" felt a little too uncomfortable; it didn't resonate in me what I believe your intentions were. "I pop another nerve pill" felt too simple, but then again, I guess it does depend on what you had in mind. But yea, that's about it really.


Really good stuff mate, it's always great to read your stuff; take care.

PS: If you haven't already could you check out my latest piece; here's a link: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=990288

Thank you in advance.
#9
I just didn't like the boring part.

Rest of it was A+.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#10
the idea was awesome for sure, but I didn't like the way it was written I suppose. feels like it'd be better written in prose / short story format than the poetic structure it currently has.

definitely a cool premise though.
#11
The whole first stanza is, I hate to use this word, perfect. Clear images that say everything they need to in action. This is so human. It's so smooth, like the thoughts just whipped off like butter into words.

The 'pop's in the second stanza are disgustingly cute and work very well for the whole character.
The only thing I can constructively comment on (I'm incredibly biased at this point since this was a thoroughly enjoyable read) is the last stanza. Could be worded with a bit more thought. The content is presented but it seems like you kind of rushed with those last lines to get the point across.


Good god, I love this.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#12
In the second stanza, the three lines in a row ending in he's/he/his really threw a wrench into the flow. Other than that I'm going to just say "The usual." from now on and assume you know how much I enjoyed it.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.