#1
Crit4Crit. I was bored during German class, and I had a notebook out so I could look like I was working, and a couple lines of this just popped into my head. I'll trying writing more of it as I go, but during German, I only got about 6 lines.

[Fast Paced]
When the walls are closing in,
will you accept what's within, [maybe better as, "will you face your sins"]
or will you run and hide?

Will you curl up and die,
will you try to deny,
that we must fight to survive!

[Chorus most likely, still fast paced]
When your backs against the wall,
will you stand or will you fall,
will you try, to hold your land!

Would you rather die crying,
or would you rather die trying,
to make just one last stand!


This is all I've really got right now, I'm sure that if I try, I'll think of more later, but like I said, I'll do Crit4Crit as long as your crit is at least mildly useful.
Last edited by herby190 at Nov 1, 2008,
#2
its not the most original thing in the world, but it seems like it'd make a great radio song, no offense, just trying to be blunt

and this may be a personal thing, but i've always thought when rhyming lines were in a row(When your backs against the wall,
will you stand or will you fall,)
, that it sounded kinda cheesey, but that could just be me


i also prefer "accept what's within"

but nevertheless, it doesn't seem too original, but its not at all bad, good job

return the favor?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=16928246#post16928246
Top 15:
Neutral Milk Hotel
Smashing Pumpkins
Placebo
Elliott Smith
Devendra Banhart
Pavement
Anberlin
Eve 6
The Clash
Imogen Heap
Ingrid Michaelson
Bayside
Minus The Bear
The Replacements
Bright Eyes/Conor Oberst
#3
Quote by pwninator123
its not the most original thing in the world, but it seems like it'd make a great radio song, no offense, just trying to be blunt

and this may be a personal thing, but i've always thought when rhyming lines were in a row(When your backs against the wall,
will you stand or will you fall,)
, that it sounded kinda cheesey, but that could just be me


i also prefer "accept what's within"

but nevertheless, it doesn't seem too original, but its not at all bad, good job

return the favor?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=16928246#post16928246

Yeah, I wasn't expecting too much out of this, and it's not too original, I just felt like posting something. I tried to return the favor, I hope it was helpful.
#4
Quote by herby190
Yeah, I wasn't expecting too much out of this, and it's not too original, I just felt like posting something. I tried to return the favor, I hope it was helpful.


it was, much thanks

and to clarify, it was overly personal and direct because it was specifically directed at someone, and the people who generally read my stuff know that, i like to leave them wondering if it's them, and if it is them, make sure they know
Top 15:
Neutral Milk Hotel
Smashing Pumpkins
Placebo
Elliott Smith
Devendra Banhart
Pavement
Anberlin
Eve 6
The Clash
Imogen Heap
Ingrid Michaelson
Bayside
Minus The Bear
The Replacements
Bright Eyes/Conor Oberst
#5
I'd have to say I agree with everyone else for the most part, but I do dig the last part. It's a tad on the cliche side, but it still works. For busting out a notebook in class, not too bad at all.
#6
I really liked it. It was a nice read but I'd make some changes on these lines.

Would you rather die crying,
or would you rather die trying, (I'd definantly change this to some thing like "Would you rather go down trying" don't use die twice.
to make just one last stand!


I think if you thought about it a little more, (which I'm sure you will because you said it still needs work) that you could come up with a better last line. I liked it but it didnt stand out enough.

Overall i liked it. It feels a little punkish to me. It wasn't amazing but it was a nice read.
#8
[Fast Paced]
When the walls are closing in,
will you accept what's within, [maybe better as, "will you face your sins"]
or will you run and hide?

accept what's within is definately better.

Will you curl up and die,
will you try to deny,
that we must fight to survive!

this looks a lot like the stuff I used to write. It's not bad, but to be honest, it needs more. But, you said it's a work in progress.
[Chorus most likely, still fast paced]
When your backs against the wall,
will you stand or will you fall,
will you try, to hold your land!

Would you rather die crying,
or would you rather die trying,
to make just one last stand!

in my opinion, replace the last line of both of these. It just doesn't really seem to do it for me.

Overall, I think it has potential. But it also has it's problems. The forced rhyming is one of them. Also, maybe you should think about changing the rhyming pattern in the chorus. Instead of having the rhyming go A-A-B C-C-B, have it go A-B-A-B, or something like that. Just a few suggestions. I'm guilty of a few of the things I'm criting you for, so don't feel bad.

If you want to crit one of mine, the first in my sig would be good.