#1
Fishermen of prostration
between the palms and the sea;
with no purpose to go on,
don’t go- not before
the ether of the sunny clime.
But not to abide in false hope
In a barren vessel where two desolations
dare meet under the Ravi river.
Restless souls; abstract in stillness
Fishermen
aroused in the warm mist
of deception. Aching spirits
of abomination, wherein Ganga;
humility is endless.
Let’s go.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Nov 1, 2008,
#2
Fishermen of prostration
between the palms and the sea;
with no purpose to go on,
don’t go- not before
the ether of the sunny clime.
But not to abide in false hope
In a barren vessel where two desolations
dare meet under the Ravi river.
Restless souls; abstract in stillness
Fishermen
aroused in the warm mist
of deception. Aching spirits
of abomination, wherein Ganga;
humility is endless.
Let’s go.

I've gotta say I rarely read your stuff, but I'm pleased I stopped by here. I love your execution in this piece. However certain parts left me thinking could more be said?

L2 is a nice image, no doubt, but 'the palms' felt too isolated on its own. L5 was a strong image too. I wasn't a fan of the mention of 2 rivers, assuming the Ganga is the Ganges, it harms the overall setting of the piece, for me anyway.

"Restless souls; abstract in stillness" sounds good but to me pointless bringing in a double image in the same line and using 4 adjectives in a short space of time; restless, abstract, aroused and aching is too much to process I felt. Which is the only downer I felt in this piece, too much trying to be said in too short a piece.

There's no doubt this is a good piece but (I should know) might be lost on some readers. I mean, I like it 'cause it fits with my tastes.


I know that's a weird crit, but anyway.

If you get time: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=989769
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#3
Fishermen of prostration
between the palms and the sea;
with no purpose to go on,
don’t go- not before
the ether of the sunny clime.
But not to abide in false hope
In a barren vessel where two desolations
dare meet under the Ravi river.
Restless souls; abstract in stillness
Fishermen
aroused in the warm mist
of deception. Aching spirits
of abomination, wherein Ganga;
humility is endless.
Let’s go.

I don't read much stuff here, but I have always felt that the nautical, maritime imagery was similar to what you said about my 'cigarettes, wine, beer' thing. But taking it out of context, the images were well executed, and the metaphor was carried well throughout the piece without becoming too overbearing. The syntax really caught me in the beginning, I enjoyed the lines 3-5. Very good overall. I thought it was well done, with great content.
#4
Quote by Bleed Away
Fishermen of prostration
between the palms and the sea;
with no purpose to go on,
don’t go- not before
the ether of the sunny clime.
But not to abide in false hope
In a barren vessel where two desolations
dare meet under the Ravi river.
Restless souls; abstract in stillness
Fishermen
aroused in the warm mist
of deception. Aching spirits
of abomination, wherein Ganga;
humility is endless.
Let’s go.


God, I envy your use of off-the wall descriptions. You really grasp the idea of doing it in short pieces, opposed to long. I think that's why when I do it in my long Mars Volta-style songs, people are left with a "WHAT?!" expression. Also your use of references really are great, 'Ravi River' 'Ganga', really adds to the song a lot. Something most of the cliche pieces I read lack.
Overall great piece, no complaints or suggestions.

If you get the chance check out my newest piece, I need some more people to weigh in on it Pet Names
this one is for you.
#5
This is really good, you know that.

I felt like there needed to be some orange in it, possibly around the mist part (yeah, I mean imagery of something warm and orange would compliment the overall feeling nicely and I think tie it up so it's really beautiful and give it something other than the, what are to me, yellow ideas of the sun and the warmth, to counter the sea).

That made sense yeah?

But this was good. Damned good.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!