#1
to the traps
to the cigarettes
to the wine
and one beer
this probably isn't poetry
i'll die
faithfully, faithfully
kill me
freed of responsibility
to protect all from thinking
they failed me
the galaxy is too big
a galaxy for everyone
400 billion stars in one
and we're stuck on earth
i can't betray my sense
common or not
god's not dead
god is not
a hatchet of civilization, society
smashed into our spirits
gaping wounds
like the mouths of infants
we're all terrified at birth
i won't miss much
if i leave early
i won't miss much
or anyone
seizure seizure
make the heart stir
leisure leisure
relax with ardour
trapped in atmosphere
cigarette seance
palettes for wine
and desperate for beer
is the end rebellion?
#3
I've read this and need a little time so I can come back to it. First read I liked, just a little meshed together.

lol at the sig.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#5
Quote by Sgt.Pepper
it's ok, it sounds like a hardcore or trash song is it true?

I hope you meant thrash.
#8
I really liked it, and there's nothing I would change about it, very nice job.
New To Town With A Made Up Name

In The Angel's City

Chasing Fortune And Fame
09/03/2012
#10
I really liked that
Would be interesting to hear it w/ the music

Quote by The Hurt Within
lol at the sig.

haha! yeah just noticed that :P
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

Last edited by jon93971 at Nov 1, 2008,
#11
Quote by DorkusMalorkus
to the traps
to the cigarettes
to the wine
and one beer
this probably isn't poetry
i'll die
faithfully, faithfully
kill me

I didn't like the altering tone due to its structure.
i wasn't a fan of the content either, I mean this is
almost becoming a gimmick around here; beer, cigarettes
wine, sex-among other things. The mention of these things
immediately put me off.

freed of responsibility
to protect all from thinking
they failed me
the galaxy is too big
a galaxy for everyone
400 billion stars in one
and we're stuck on earth
i can't betray my sense

This was enjoyable but I think
that you need to punctuate this;
at times this felt like it was entwined
in a disorderly fashion. But I did enjoy this
nonetheless.

common or not
god's not dead
god is not
a hatchet of civilization, society
smashed into our spirits
gaping wounds
like the mouths of infants
we're all terrified at birth

Those last two line were magnificent as well
as the "Smashed spirits" line. Again it's the lack
of punctuation that's hindering this but still
this was fantastic.

i won't miss much
if i leave early
i won't miss much
or anyone
seizure seizure
make the heart stir
leisure leisure
relax with ardour
trapped in atmosphere
cigarette seance
palettes for wine
and desperate for beer
is the end rebellion?

OK this was win for me. I really enjoyed this and, to me, this summarized the piece. This made everything worthwhile and worthy of a read. Congratulation is due, me thinks.


Overall maybe just consider what I have said as far as improvements or changes. But this was enjoyable.

If you have time, could you please check out my latest piece called "Dry Foliage?" Here's a link: http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=990288

Thank you in advance (Gimmicky, I know )
#12
I really liked this. Sorry for not being constructive. Others will have said what you wanted.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#13
wow...i LOVED this. These were my absolite favorites...

i can't betray my sense
common or not This was brilliant
god's not dead
god is not
a hatchet of civilization, society
smashed into our spirits
gaping wounds
like the mouths of infants
we're all terrified at birth
i won't miss much
if i leave early


I have no complaints this was sooo good


c4c?......it's in my sig.

Listen to my covers here.


"Some even claim that I'm a terror, a dictator and they're right." - Lou Reed


AK-ROWDY
#15
I liked this sir. A little meh on the presentation. But the ideas and a lot of the writing itself, very nice.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#16
You sure it's not a trash punk song?

Anyway, this was pretty nice. The ideas in the middle seemed a little languid and empty. Some weren't fleshed out, some just weren't doing it for me. The ending really kicked though. Good to see you around here again.