#1
c4c

Basically this song is the end of a concept of a guy who starts with hope but has no will to live. He meets someone and things start to go right, she leaves, he falls apart and ends up with no hope but a will to live (not the best concept but oh well).

Hollow.

I've come so far that I can’t crawl back
So I’m left here with fading tracks
They’ll be gone soon, fading into sand
Even if I wanted to I couldn’t return
I wouldn’t be able to make a comeback

To have flew so high and crashed so deep
To fear that I may weep
As these wounds have begun to seep
I think I’ll flow where ever the sea goes
Because right now I don’t think the wind blows
But I know the sea has an undertow

Right now nothing could compare
To these feelings I feel, then again you were never even here
So would you dare to replicate feelings that were never there?
For I not know what tomorrow holds and I shouldn’t really care
And it doesn’t really matter, after all the brightest light on my horizon is often just a flare

Bed for two
Containing one
I know now
My time will never come
Path for one
Walked by me
I know that now
Hope will never be

To have said at a point that, I’ll be beside you forever in time
Looking back today, it seems that all dream’s do are die
And so the tears come, but I know they won’t stay
No hope for tomorrow, but I think I’ll live to fight another day


I can't help but think some of my rhyming patterns are clumsy particularly in the 2nd stanza or am I just seeing things?
Any opinions, thoughts or suggestions on improving my skills?
#2
i wouldn't have gone for rhyming patterns at the end of each verse. i mean me personally, i find it easier to write when i am talkin with another musician on IM. One of my friends is a bassist and we put together a song in about 15 minutes between us. if you want to add me, my msn is dan@barbears.co.uk just leave me a message sayin that is bout this and i will sort it out. Good luck
#3
Quote by Blue?
c4c


Hollow.

I've come so far that I can’t crawl back
So I’m left here with fading tracks
They’ll be gone soon, fading into sand
Even if I wanted to I couldn’t return
I wouldn’t be able to make a comeback
Hmm.. For this i would either take away the rythming in the first to lines or add in rythms in the last 2 lines but thats just me.

To have flew so high and crashed so deep
To fear that I may weep
As these wounds have begun to seep
I think I’ll flow where ever the sea goes
Because right now I don’t think the wind blows
But I know the sea has an undertow
I dont really like the middle to lines they kinda of ruin the flow but the first and last 2 lines are good.

Right now nothing could compare
To these feelings I feel, then again you were never even here
So would you dare to replicate feelings that were never there?
For I not know what tomorrow holds and I shouldn’t really care
And it doesn’t really matter, after all the brightest light on my horizon is often just a flare
I like this verse minus the last line i would change the is often just a flare to no longer there or somthing similar.

Bed for two
Containing one
I know now
My time will never come
Path for one
Walked by me
I know that now
Hope will never be
I like this bit i wouldnt change it

To have said at a point that, I’ll be beside you forever in time
Looking back today, it seems that all dream’s do are die
And so the tears come, but I know they won’t stay
No hope for tomorrow, but I think I’ll live to fight another day
Good But the last line is a bit Cliche.





Overall its quite good i can see how it kinda fits in with the concept.

Crit mine now? link in sig.
C4C
Latest song: Fading Silhouettes


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