#1
Hey, think a sort of acoustic Wilco/Ryan Adams when he doesn't suck feel to this when you're reading it. I just wrote this yesterday, so any criticism or impressions are welcome. Crit for crit if you leave a link.


Lifeboats

I didn't notice when you said
that we were sinking.

The waves felt like warm champagne
breakers breaking over my skin.

Tell the captain that the lifeboats
are reserved for the plasticine classes.

In case you wondered, I never bothered
to learn how to sink or to swim.

Shut the door behind your
footsteps
Unless of course, you'd rather
come back in.

Your face, shaded blue and gray
in the shadows of the lights aquatic.

I'd like to say I'd like to break your heart
but i wouldn't know where to begin.

Shout your silence from the towers
to the ears of the alien masses.

So here we are to drown our divisions
underwater with our sight going dim.

Shut the door behind your
footsteps
Unless of course, you'd rather
come back in.

You must have known the odds
and how they were stacked against us.

10 to 1 and 24/7
till your patience began to run thin.

We thought that we could wait it out
but the floods were only just beginning.

It's not something to talk about
so we'd sing it as if it was a hymn.

Shut the door behind your
footsteps
Unless of course, you'd rather
come back in.
#4
i though you conveyed your ideas very creatively. I didn't liek the "Breakers break on my..." line, because it felt redundant. I'd use a different word there.

Although, I am iffy on the chorus. There is something about 'Close the door on your footsteps" I'm not sure if it is good, or bad. Just feels off. Overall loved it though.

Crit mine (in sig)?