#1
Okay so this is a verse I have written for my grunge band. It's a work in progress atm, but I want your critique to see if i'm going in the right direction. This is a slower song to go between faster pace songs.

Why can't I say what I mean?
The words contradict my feelings.
Why can't I say what I mean?
This phrase conjugates the meaning.
I seem to fail in all I do
Why can't I be someone like you?
This simple poetry.
Can't show what I feel inside me.
Why can't you walk in my shoes?
And see how good it is to be you.

I've currently got the guitar riff for the Verse down now all I need is the chorus riff, then I can put some lyrics around it.
"If God exists, there's no way he is French" - Andrea Pirlo

S A D B O Y S
Last edited by I.O.T.M at Nov 2, 2008,
#2
For the last two lines maybe something like "I feel just like the laces on my shoes/I'm all tangled up, can't find my way around you." I think that's pretty cool but it might not be the dierection your going in .idk. i tried. Overall i liked this but it's kinda 'meh' without music.
#3
Quote by musicjunkie207
For the last two lines maybe something like "I feel just like the laces on my shoes/I'm all tangled up, can't find my way around you." I think that's pretty cool but it might not be the dierection your going in .idk. i tried. Overall i liked this but it's kinda 'meh' without music.

I'm workin' on the music atm, as well as the rest of the lyrics :P. Thanks for the lyrical ideas I appreciate it and I might implement them.
"If God exists, there's no way he is French" - Andrea Pirlo

S A D B O Y S
#4
I quite like the second to last line.
But not the very last one.
Maybe something like:
"Why can't you walk in my shoes,
And see how good it is to be you" ?

Be sure to post the lyrics when you have finished them
Also maybe a recording on your profile??
I don't know :P

Check out mine (see sig) if you have time
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

#5
when its finished, pm me and ill fully crit it. i dont do incomplete works. but i keep my promises.
#6
Quote by jon93971
I quite like the second to last line.
But not the very last one.
Maybe something like:
"Why can't you walk in my shoes,
And see how good it is to be you" ?

Be sure to post the lyrics when you have finished them
Also maybe a recording on your profile??
I don't know :P

Check out mine (see sig) if you have time

Thank you that is the sort of last line of the verse I was looking for!
Now time to crit your songs.
"If God exists, there's no way he is French" - Andrea Pirlo

S A D B O Y S