#1
there ain't no streetlights on the road ahead
but i keep on moving

i watch sprinklers along the pavement
sprinkle the grass
some are broke and wet my feet
but i keep on moving

acorns crash on the sidewalk
and the grass rustles to the beat
i hear music play but its all the same
so i keep on moving.

i see businesses without a chain,
a McCain sign in a storefront,
and a "for sale" sign in an empty lot.
and i keep on moving.

a shadow person, without a name,
speaks words that i comprehend,
but i ain't got change or cigarettes,
so he keeps on moving.

i stop as i reach my car,
fumble through my pockets for my keys,
jot down a few words in the front seat
and i keep on moving.
Last edited by SilenceEvolves at Nov 3, 2008,
#2
<33
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#3
Quote by SilenceEvolves
there ain't no streetlights on the road ahead
but i keep on moving
I've seen that at my uni

i watch sprinklers along the pavement
sprinkle the grass
some are broke and wet my feet
but i keep on moving
I've seen that as well

acorns crash on the sidewalk
and the grass rustles to the beat
and i keep on moving.
Again

i see businesses without a chain,
a McCain sign in a storefront,
and a "for sale" sign in an empty lot.
and i keep on moving.
do you mean local shops? If so, I see a lot of those, but I also see a lot of more up-scale places too. I assume the "run down" / "down to earth" is supposed to mean something along with McCain.

a shadow person, without a name,
speaks words that i comprehend,
but i ain't got change or cigarettes,
so he keeps on moving.
again.

i hear music play but it's all the same
so i keep on moving.
a hit at typical music?

i stop as i reach my car,
fumble through my pockets for my keys,
jot down a few words in the front seat
and i keep on moving.
I like how you end it. I like how you keep mentioning the moving ; perhaps it is to deal with a lot of growth during college and moving away from what you used to hold close.

mhm
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
#5
Sir, I don't like sprinklers sprinkle.

This is still good, a noticeable, but small, revision.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
Very good. People can really connect to this. I mean, the lyrics are everyday life, and thats always good to do, connect with the listeners. I really did enjoy it.
Here is mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=991917
My Gear:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guitars:
Gibson Explorer, Worn Cherry-

Amps:
Fender Roc Pro 1000 - 1 x 12 Combo, 100 watts, Hybrid


Effects:
Blues Driver Keeley Modded
Last edited by deathforyouth at Nov 4, 2008,
#7
I adore this. Not like a pet, but like my dog - whether she was just being a little bitch, or wants food, I can't help but love her. I love the lines, the observation imagination station (remember that?) businesses without a chain, and that last stanza which is a definition of my daily life, verbatim. I don't like the exit lines of every stanza, they bother me a little, and the placement of the departure from this is a bit odd, but you can't very well end this hing with the dshadow person, nor begin it, so I suppose the links, beside the day, that hold this together are altogether unchangable. So leave it.
#8
I actually preferred pre-edit
oh well, it isn't my piece
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
#9
culex, I'll probably change the "sprinkle" line eventually. I just can't think of a better, more concise way to describe what sprinklers do other than "sprinkle". my brain fails me again!

death, while your tag annoys me to no end on this election eve, I really appreciate what you said. thanks a lot.

spike, I adore you. aren't dogs pets though? I suppose I may consider my dog more of a friend than a pet... but I'm not really sure what that meant haha. I actually wrote this as I was walking to my car from some girl's dorm room, and I considered removing some of the end lines, but ehh, I'm unsure about it. thanks a bunch dude.

lord, the main reason for the revision was that I'm considering recording this and seeing if it works as a song and I think the continuity works slightly better the way it is now. I didn't feel like it sounded proper just throwing the music line out of the blue (which referring to your previous post, was a shot at the shitty college bands I heard playing at a music festival earlier in the night I wrote this). thanks a lot for the second.

I'll be returning crits for all of you tomorrow, but I'm off to bed for now. thanks again y'all.
#10
I'd buy a book full of your stuff, it's different, endearing, grown-up, and truthful. I wish I could write like this.

edit: only thing is I hate the repetition at the end of every stanza, there is just no reason for it (unless you truly intend on keeping it a song). If not, just title it 'i keep moving' and cut off the repetition.
Last edited by #1 synth at Nov 3, 2008,
#13
the only thing i didn't like was ain't. I always have, and always will, hate it. It's just so abrasive and annoying. Other than that, very enjoyable
#15
I don't find it familiar at all. It's just a depiction of a life, or the possibility of life. For that, I love it. It's like you have invented a lifestyle, a totally new addition to the routines of the community, even though it's quite clear it's a standard way of living; just tampered with and illuminated.
I don't know how to explain myself properly, I really don't.
I fail. You win.
#16
dylan, thanks, but I definitely don't believe I could ever sell a book with my writings. also don't sell yourself short, you're a spectacular writer!

sean, I feel ya ... I ****in' hate cats. ugh.

teghvir, where the hell have you been?! did ya get my poke? thanks bro.

kdownes, I don't even notice when I write ain't anymore, but I love how deliciously southern and backwards it is. I see your point of view but I ain't changin' that. thanks a bunch though

greg, haha college student? thanks so much.

angry, I thought I was following you pretty well but then you gave up haha. thanks a lot though, I really appreciate your comments. I don't think you failed...

I usually do win, though.