#1
The First Time I've never felt so weak
the second time i found it hard to speak
the third time i never wanted to let you go
A scary movie and Italian food
nothing better couldve set the mood
we were there lying on the floor
having battles on who loved who more

Face first i landed on the floor
still screaming that i love you more
never thought my dreams could come true
until i met you

until the sun dropped your all i thought about
a four leaf clover was my gift
a simple question
a simple answer
a harder way to learn to forget


First Time I've never felt so weak
second time i found it hard to speak
third time i never let you go
Last edited by 100% less at Nov 3, 2008,
#2
I Really like this peice.

The only line i didnt like was "a lonely altar covered in dust" i didnt get this line.


It might just be me though.


Crit mine? link in sig.
C4C
Latest song: Fading Silhouettes


Quote by goest
You raped someone with a knife, didn't you?
#3
This starts with an absolute cracker.
"we were there lying on the floor
having battles on who loved who more"
I love this line, it sets the tone so well for the piece, and paints a vivid picture of the volatile, twisted love your characters share.
I'm not so keen on the repetition of it in the second stanzer though. I think it belabors the point a bit, and the stark imagery is neutered somewhat because of it.

In fact, the second verse in general I think lacks the intensity and sense of volatility of the first. the 'I never thought my dreams could come true line' is a touch unoriginal, and cheapens the great imagery of the first verse.

I do like the short sentances of the third verse, though.
The 'A simple question / A simple answer line' really quickens the pace of the song, and adds a great deal to the overall feeling of haste.

I like the idea of the final verse, the whole theme of counting, but I think it could have been executed better. I'd be tempted to embed the numbers further in each line, rather than simply stating 'The first time, the second time' etc.

Overall, though, I enjoyed this piece. It started better than it ended, but it's got distinct potential.

Regards,
StrayCatBlues

Crit mine?
Quote by abstract pie
Ahh the pit. Where conversations of Pokemon Cards can turn into ones of wizard homosexuality



You are everything I want...
...'Cause you are...

...Everything I'm not.

Atheism. Is. Not. A. Religion.
Today's saints were yesterday's sellouts
#4
Quote by StrayCatBlues
This starts with an absolute cracker.
"we were there lying on the floor
having battles on who loved who more"
I love this line, it sets the tone so well for the piece, and paints a vivid picture of the volatile, twisted love your characters share.
I'm not so keen on the repetition of it in the second stanzer though. I think it belabors the point a bit, and the stark imagery is neutered somewhat because of it.


what does " this starts with an abosolute cracker supposed to mean?


In fact, the second verse in general I think lacks the intensity and sense of volatility of the first. the 'I never thought my dreams could come true line' is a touch unoriginal, and cheapens the great imagery of the first verse.

well i do realize its a bit cliche but its literally what i was thinking when it happened to me. do you think i should find a different way to say it?
#5
Quote by 100% less
what does " this starts with an abosolute cracker supposed to mean?


It means I think it's a bloody brilliant line! (:

well i do realize its a bit cliche but its literally what i was thinking when it happened to me. do you think i should find a different way to say it?


If it was me, I'd look for a different way to say it, but that's just my style of writing.
I mean, you could say that the use of this more familiar imagery balances the piece out and makes it more accessible.
It's all open to interpretation, so it's up to you.
Quote by abstract pie
Ahh the pit. Where conversations of Pokemon Cards can turn into ones of wizard homosexuality



You are everything I want...
...'Cause you are...

...Everything I'm not.

Atheism. Is. Not. A. Religion.
Today's saints were yesterday's sellouts
#6
Quote by StrayCatBlues



If it was me, I'd look for a different way to say it, but that's just my style of writing.
I mean, you could say that the use of this more familiar imagery balances the piece out and makes it more accessible.
It's all open to interpretation, so it's up to you.

im gonna try to rewrite the last bits tonight thanks for helping