#1
Song. I'll try to link to a rough version later.

I thought I'd have something to say, but it never really works that way
so instead I stole your declarations and renamed them change,
took this garbage in my pocket, traded it for something fine
stared at its pretty colours like they could've been something divine
but heaven's meant to be free, alcohol just sickens me til I get too lonely
then nothing makes me feel freer than a bottle and product liability

There's nothing better than a drunken walk in the rain at night,
slipping in the autumn puddles reflecting the last rays of sunlight,
this girl's got a habit for it, looks so fine until you realise
she's torn up the skin under her winter jacket.
The cold's the best excuse to cover up and keep your mouth shut.

She says miss, there's this feeling in my stomach;
it hurts when I eat and cramps when I walk,
think it's a lack of inspiration,
I've spent weeks locked in my room, addicted to procrastination,
drinking alone in the evenings, I'm starting to lose that feeling,
(you know the feeling)

So I'll put a bottle of whiskey in my jacket pocket,
it always makes me throw up,
put on my fur gloves, my scarf,
and walk,
take in all the colours til I find something divine
in these streets I know so well but in which I feel so confined,
remind myself of childhood laughs
in the chippy and the back of class,
swig from the bottle, let myself lose on the town
and end my night face down on the rainy ground

The hangover's a reminder you've forgotten everything you learned,
that it's far too hard to walk past the bar and not to turn,
that meditation classes are on the same night as you're working
and if you don't work you'll never afford another place to live in.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#2
I loved it. It was so honest. It feels like your personality is very apparent in this. Maybe I'm wrong (since i don't know you that well), but I really enjoyed it. Sorry I can't say anything else (and for not returning crits sooner).
#3
Thanks, means a lot
No worries about not returning crits soon, I've been critting badly lately anyways.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
I have no critsism fo you. I think this is absolutely brilliant

"took this garbage in my pocket, traded it for something fine
stared at its pretty colours like they could've been something divine"

Oh girl you are good!!
#5
It's about fkin time.

Every line of this, ma'am. Every line.

(P.S. I hate the word drunken. >:| That's my criticism.)
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
^ You managed to post a comment without using any descriptives other than 'fkin'.

Guess you liked it, though, yeah?

Thanks
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
finally, you have achieved perfection. This is the first piece you've written where i have nothing to say but "**** yeah!"
#8
There was so much going on and so much on every line I lost most sense of flow and central topic by the third stanza. at the end all I knew was it was about alcohol. you had some killer lines in there but I just wasnt sure how they all fit together and it seemed so cluttered that I didnt want to dive back in and find out.

think it will be better as a piece of music than as a poem and definitely want to hear it when you get it recorded.

mixed thoughts on this, far from perfection, far from bad.
#9
i proper liked this.

</worst crit in the world>
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#10
you know, you're that gem that I've been looking at from different angles, like the kid who walks around the statue, just to make sure it's not a painting. It's been weird, because while I have really enjoyed everything of yours I've read, I haven't really been able to get into it and understand the workings beneath its skin. This, however, is another level of beauty. The first word that comes to mind was the second poster's first adjective: honest. It makes dread seem romantic - it's the reason we all secretly want everything to be gone from our current lives, just so we can be miserable, because we feel more at home then, we feel more familiar and comfortable then, we're better writers then, etc. But sometimes, it's tempting to just go with the flow, and see how things can get, see how little we then write.

What I'm trying to say is this: misfortune wouldn't seem nearly as satisfying without inspiration like what you have here.
#12
I thought it was really good. There were parts where I think I speak for a lot of us when we just said " F***, hes so right"

Well Done
Write it down.
#13
#1_synth, I'll try to record it tonight if I can get my camera working. I understand where you're coming from and would like to think that it does with better with music.

jallas, Scarlatto and A New Vision: thanks

spike: ...I'm not entirely sure how to react to that Thanks, just... really thanks.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#15
This is one of the rare things that starts OK-ish and actually gets better. Normally I end up paying full attention to the first verse or two, and then slightly skim the remainder if it wasn't already wowing me. I can't help it, it's just the way I've always read. I have a very short attention span - like most - it does become annoying. Anyway, this got better and I became more and more attentive as it progressed - even though it never really progressed, it just became more and more intense with each word and line.

The perfect example of lyrics with a humans jaw. The kind of lyrics I look for in a band. The kind of lyrics I admire with great respect.
I admire you, greatly.
#16
Check ma profile yo'
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!