#1
Just something to point out; this is not meant to be a song and not a poem. View it any way you wish.


Child's Play

16 year olds are so sexy.
You can't ever explain it;
that feeling of helplessness
and self pity.
It just seems to linger;
not heavy, but floaty.

I remember the mistakes so well;
a never dying flower,
an ever growing seedling -
Youthful and tiring,
like chasing a new born puppy
around a single garden patch.
Child's play,
but with sex.

I could sing about beauty with my
swinging voice all day long,
but I'm just too busy
gathering my petals from
last nights orgy to care,
my life - painfully clear.

16 year olds are too sexy for me.
I fear them like death.
I crave it.
I loathe it.
I moan with it.
I turn with it.

I remember her youthful mistakes;
child's play,
but with sex.

There were days where I thought she was the one.
Then there were days where I thought she wasn't.
Her fresh skin had made old smells new.
but like all children,
one day they grow up and realize
what on earth they were doing with you,

and move on.

In all, it was a rather unsuccessful mission.
I guess the innocence was just a dream,
child's play in a grown up world.

Digitally Clean
#2
Quote by AngryGoldfish

I remember the mistakes so well;
a never dying flower,
an ever growing seedling -
Youthful and tiring,
like chasing a new born puppy
around a single garden patch.
Child's play,
but with .

This is my favorite part.
I like how "an ever" and "a never" are the same letters with just different spacing. "Child's play, but with sex." was just one of those lines that makes you think.

I like this piece, or whatever you want it to be called. Good work.
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

BEDBUGS
#3
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Just something to point out; this is not meant to be a song and not a poem. View it any way you wish.


Child's Play

16 year olds are so sexy. Way to start off with an uncomfortable line
You can't ever explain it;
that feeling of helplessness
and self pity.
It just seems to linger;
not heavy, but floaty. This line struck me, but I don't know what to make of it. Floaty seemed like such a childish word, but then the simplicity seems to fit as well. It's kind of endearing.

Right now it's hard to understand what you're saying. Are you saying that this is how it feels to be 16, or to be with a 16 year old?


I remember the mistakes so well;
a never dying flower,
an ever growing seedling -
Youthful and tiring,
like chasing a new born puppy
around a single garden patch.
Child's play,
but with sex. Hah, cute. Well, at first. It's not cute after you think about the validity of the statement.

This is more clear and is very relateable. The simple approach is nice too; nothing convoluted to mix with the words you're trying to get it. It's not pieced together perfectly but it doesn't have to be.


I could sing about beauty with my
swinging voice all day long, I adore these two lines, 'swinging voice' in particular
but I'm just too busy
gathering my petals from
last nights orgy to care, Petals and orgy contrast interestingly
my life - painfully clear.
I don't know what to make of this. Of course, I'm not you.

16 year olds are too sexy for me.
I fear them like death.
I crave it. This particular line seems to have the greatest effect, at least to me. Craving death. We've all been there.
I loathe it.
I moan with it.
I turn with it.

I remember her youthful mistakes;
child's play,
but with sex.
It's good that this stands alone.

There were days where I thought she was the one.
Then there were days where I thought she wasn't. To the point but hits the right notes.
Her fresh skin had made old smells new. great image
but like all children,
one day they grow up and realize
what on earth they were doing with you,

and move on.

In all, it was a rather unsuccessful mission.
I guess the innocence was just a dream,
child's play in a grown up world.

Digitally Clean

Enjoyed. I think you could develop the idea and make something else, but if you're satisfied with it, leave as is. It's interesting.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#4
I viewed it as being told from a seventeen year old's perspective and that ruined any ethos the piece could have had. There was something rushed about it that i expected and received. It reminded me of someone who wrote without writing.
#5
I thought this was good, but not great... and you can do great.

I was also slightly disturbed by the analogy about the dog cutting to the phrase 'child's play, but with sex'. Dog/human sex just isn't right, sir. You should know that
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
My opinion mirrors synth's strongly.

You can do better. Stop plugging American shit in English outlets.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#7
Quote by #1 synth
I viewed it as being told from a seventeen year old's perspective and that ruined any ethos the piece could have had. There was something rushed about it that i expected and received. It reminded me of someone who wrote without writing.

I never noticed that before, but now that I have re-read it with your comment in mind, I have changed my though patterns slightly. I did initially want this to be a very flowing piece, really fluid and sensual. It probaby came across more as childish. Which, like you mentioned, doesn't compliment the subject matter.
The puppy analogy was not intended to be regarded as some form of sexual snap, although I don't mind the relation you gathered, Katherine. I think it adds humour and a sadistic edge, which would help the overall feeling I tried to create.

This piece was actually written quite differently, but I wasn't confident with it, so I rearranged it to this. I'm glad people liked it and I do feel like I can do better so I entirely agree.
Thank you all very much.
#8
I understand that it won't have been written with that intention, but wanted to point out that it was possibly and perhaps not pleasurable to draw that link from the placing of both separate verses
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!