#1
Hum and hurt, hum and hurt
the hummingbird pluck-winged,
with fleshy spine and flushed chest
coughing phlegm up through choking
throats and huffed cheeks.

Woodland bird, feathered friend or
nasty little night-time schemer,
wide-eyed flicklets skimming grass
and nicking at the small, the wounds.

In Autumn with trees divorced of leaves
and summer set in murky stone, beaks
peaked and plunged into ice, with barely
a wriggle or squirm of dirty worm. Scarce,
berries left and gone with oft-alluded
male aplomb, scoffed or left to rot in the
death season.

November, never better or brighter for
an artist's easel; but yet to set kindly
in the pit of my stomach.


Read, and walk on.
#2
Quote by Jammydude44
Hum and hurt, hum and hurt
the hummingbird pluck-winged,
with fleshy spine and flushed chest
coughing phlegm up through choking
throats and huffed cheeks.

This was wonderful. I liked the elusive imagery here; the hummingbird and phlegm idea was quite hilarious. I have no complaints here except the pluck-winged wasn't sonically enjoyable.

Woodland bird, feathered friend or
nasty little night-time schemer,
wide-eyed flicklets skimming grass
and nicking at the small, the wounds.

The disjointed feel was great here. I thought that everything did in fact go well together. I liked the fact that you didn't use an 'a' after or, this did well rhythmic wise. This was great as well, well done Jamie.

In Autumn with trees divorced of leaves
and summer set in murky stone, beaks
peaked and plunged into ice, with barely
a wriggle or squirm of dirty worm. Scarce,
berries left and gone with oft-alluded
male aplomb, scoffed or left to rot in the
death season.

"Oft-alluded male aplomb" was a bit too heavy, compared to the overall setting; but it's good nonetheless. I didn't like 'wriggle' here though, likewise with 'scoffed'; it was quite a put off. But apart from that, all is well.

November, never better or brighter for
an artist's easel; but yet to set kindly
in the pit of my stomach.

A great closer, if I do say so myself. The 'r'-ending in that first line was glorious, if I do say so myself. I have nothing to add here.




It's nice to to read your work again, I hope you do keep posting, even if it's on occasions. I hear you're published now;well I would like to wish you good luck with your future endeavors. I liked this.

PS; If you have time please check out my latest piece called "Dry Foliage"; here's a link: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=990288
#3
I'm not entirely sure that I liked how 'a wriggle or squirm of dirty worm' affected the flow. It's okay, though. I think I did. I didn't like 'male-aplomb', was a tad too wordy along with rhyme try and make it flow easier. Made it feel mish-mashed.

This was good. Ruddy good.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
I hear you're published now;


I don't? Lol.

Thanks. I'll try and return, sorry if I don't. Hard times 'n all.
#5
You make me happy.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
I thought the rhyming in this, to be particular, was extremely impressive.

other than that though, I didn't get all too much out of it. how've you been, though? haven't seen anything from you in forever! (probably my fault moreso than yours)