#1
Sorry this is late #1synth. For Mat.


all hallows

eve.
--
for the first time in months
i watched a movie with a girl
and didn’t **** her halfway through


evening.
--
this is where it’s all supposed
to come to a close and
shit’s gonna go down,
a devil fight in a ghost town;
dead eyes would feel alive
one last time, before what goes around
comes around

but i’ll be honest,
i didn’t even leave my house


end.
--
the cosmos is on fire
cosmic hues of candy corn,
and i am burning,
my soul aflame in a canyon of coniferous fire;

o, the lowliness of love
and the art of forsaking
such an intimate immolation.

now i am:
high along the highway,
headless on my horse,
laughing, laughing--


afterword.
--
fooled me twice,
shame on me
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#2
why do ya always say "for Mat" before your poems?

I thought "devil fight" sounded somewhat awkward, but that section flows really well so I don't know if I'd modify it really.

impressive alliteration in the first stanza after "end." I don't think the last line in said stanza flows all too well though.

actually all of "end" has impressive alliteration. nice.

I liked this a lot, captured the mood of Halloween well. it was relateable and a pleasure to read. nice work.
#3
In the hopes that he may read it.

Thank you very much sir. I'm glad you've decided to come around again. :]
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#4
I liked most of it. Two criticism's though:
1) I don't understand how a flame can be coniferous. I think you might be talking about a tree though, which is cool.
2) It seems like you're trying to force yourself to use big words, and it comes across as a little cheesy. All I'm saying is don't try so hard to make it sound more profound than it already is. It was a great piece.
#6
I really liked the "eve" section, it sounded great in my head. I'm usually not a fan of pieces that break themselves up into sections like this, but because it was a good progression of time, I didn't mind it. Also, I really like the word immolation, it isn't used nearly enough.
#7
how i love your work so much, There really is nothing like it, and that's what makes it special for me. no complaints at all.
#8
I like it. Good originality, but I agree with Bullcrunky, there is a sense of using big words to sound profound.
#9
It's a shame you don't post more than you do. Loved it, particularly the first two cuts.
#10
You guys make me happy.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#11
I like fun, big words that look like simpletons. Coniferous is not coniferous without fire, and immolation is certainly not being immolated without intimacy.

I like each separated part for different reasons - but they all flow nicely, in their own respect, which makes it a little bumpy on the transitions, which tells me the author may have been in a different state of mind while writing different parts, so not only <enter> spacing them, but <air, time, physical contortions> spacing different parts, which doesn't matter so much becvause they are indeed separate parts within a story, but you know how I ramble. 'end' was my favorite, not just for the words, but specifically the now i am: part in which you have your sum.
#12
Quote by culex-knight
For Mat.


worn hands
afraid to wander;
skin stretched
thin over broken bones. <that's where it gets interesting.
silk is such
a youthful linen.

those last two lines have a subtle beauty I'm having a hard time finding the words to describe.


i hoped you had some
sovereignty left
within your soul, but no
it must be difficult being
19 when you're 39
and for the last time i wonder
do you think about what you've left behind?

one of my favourite stanzas that I have read recently. The feeling is terribly relatable, to paraphrase you.

I'm having the hardest time finding qualms in your writing, you know why? Because you have what most writers here don't(spare quite a few of course). You have something to say. The beginning was pretty simple yet it lead to something effective, concise, beautiful. Great job again.
Quote by culex-knight
(promesse i'll read everyone's. promesssssse. for mat)


i'm a legionnaire,
mediterranean skin, alpine eyes,
and when the wind is high <brilliant flow
i lift my hands up
to the sky
and let the salt
blow away--

sometimes, it's just not worth it's weight


This flowed so damned well, had a great amount of originality without being overly pretentious. It's lovely, accessible. I loved this to it's core. The ending with away/weight adds a lot. I might have wanted the last line to read "but sometimes" ... but then again it's understated.


<3
Quote by culex-knight
Sorry this is late #1synth. For Mat.


all hallows

eve.
--
for the first time in months
i watched a movie with a girl
and didn’t **** her halfway through
I'm unsure if I appreciate the rough language coming from you. You know it's going to be effective here, and going to get a good response, but is it really how you want to write? It can add oh so much at times, but now, I just don't know.

evening.
--
this is where it’s all supposed
to come to a close and
shit’s gonna go down,
a devil fight in a ghost town;
dead eyes would feel alive
one last time, before what goes around
comes around
See, again. That tarnished a little bit an otherwise astonishing stanza. the imagery, the closing, the flow, the line breaks, they seemed to fall down perfectly. Very professional imo. Apart from the third line.

but i’ll be honest,
i didn’t even leave my house


end.
--
the cosmos is on fire
cosmic hues of candy corn,
and i am burning,
my soul aflame in a canyon of coniferous fire;

Notable change in tone here. I like it, but I feel like you lack something introducing this in the previous parts. The alliterations are gorgeous. That's showing some skill.


o, the lowliness of love <"o" seemed a bit ridiculous . is "oh" overly dramatic?
and the art of forsaking
such an intimate immolation.

great theme. I mean, well chosen and well developed. Very relatable again...

now i am:
high along the highway,
headless on my horse,
laughing, laughing--
<3<3<3

afterword.
--
fooled me twice,
shame on me
I'm a little unsure here, I felt kind of let down afther the "now I am" stanza. I liked the ascension in pseudo-abstraction (or metaphorical description if you'd prefer) and the fact that the piece ended like this. But consider that I related a lot to the madman unfolding, so that might be why.


I loved this piece too, however, I think there are still a few changes that you can make or at least directions you might want to reflect on for future pieces.

It's always a pleasure reading you.

<3
#13
For your first verse alone - which is so true and related to everything that concerns me - I adored this.

I'm going to try and come back to this and say what I disliked. There was quite a bit in this that detracted me from enjoying it.
#14
Mat, I will marry you.

Angry, sorry you didn't get anything out of the rest of the piece.

Thanksies everyone.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#15
I can't say that i have read very much of you stuff in the past, and to be honest, i think i only remember you reading MY stuff as well as so many others, so this is cool to give back.

I do like the approach that you took with this, even though it was a little forced and maybe lack a lot of potiential content, I think for the most part it got its point across and have a semi-clever ending. so props for that.
#17
Quote by rushmore
really enjoyed this.
thats all i will say.
+1.
except, i don't really think there's anything else that could be said at this point.

great stuff.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.