#1
Bloviating existence among the fat kings and royalty
Casting curse and stone before the royal courts give right to thee
They do not understand, nor do they want to, no
Mortal stands before the gates, awaiting entry from the Fates

And, allows the Saviour mocking rights against the words in his own plight
Splitting mountains, sky, and plains, he deals the death to those he claims
Are unworthy, Unworthy

You, man, who murders and rapes and pillages…villages
May this blade here bring you pain and death in the slowest fashion

We who hear the utterance of this broken, corrupt son of flesh
Growing fat, and more unkind, this bastard ****ing king of swine
We tore his bloated heart from chest and buried him with family crest
And took his throne now as our own and ruled the lands forevermore
But little did we know, 15 winters by would go

And then after that whole thing I was thinking about repeating it over again save the last line. The concept is a king being overthrown by his people for being corrupt and merciless, and repeating would be history repeating and the same happening to those who had originally overthrown their king because they too had become corrupt and blood thirsty. Let me know what you think, dudes!
My Gear:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guitars:
Gibson Explorer, Worn Cherry-

Amps:
Fender Roc Pro 1000 - 1 x 12 Combo, 100 watts, Hybrid


Effects:
Blues Driver Keeley Modded
Last edited by deathforyouth at Nov 3, 2008,
#2
The swearing didn't work for me. I enjoyed the imagery of your piece but parts were kinda... "huh?" but overall I really liked your piece. There isn't much I would change about your piece but fix the swearing parts because it kinda takes away from the song.
#3
Interesting.
I also like the imagery, it's quite brutal in some places :P
the swearing didn't bother me so much.
I think it's more of a poem than a song, but if it is a song then i would be intrigued to hear it
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

#4
The swearing is where it gets really intense, so it's used to express anger. I find it necessary. Almost everyone swears, especially when angry. So that's why it was used there. Thank you guys.
My Gear:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guitars:
Gibson Explorer, Worn Cherry-

Amps:
Fender Roc Pro 1000 - 1 x 12 Combo, 100 watts, Hybrid


Effects:
Blues Driver Keeley Modded
#6
as to the repetition, it would work if you did them kind of seperatly, like had the first time maybe acoustic.slow or whatever, then the second time faster, harder, something like that.

to have it over twice would be repetitive. you need to change the music because something has to vary.
#7
Yeah the music and the way the words are sung were gonna be slightly different to avoid that. Thanks guys, any pieces you want critiqued?
My Gear:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guitars:
Gibson Explorer, Worn Cherry-

Amps:
Fender Roc Pro 1000 - 1 x 12 Combo, 100 watts, Hybrid


Effects:
Blues Driver Keeley Modded
#8
I dug it alot, especially the last verse. I think the swearing adds more anger to a peice, and you used it pretty well. What kind of music do you plan on putting this to?

It's weird though, I wrote a song about basicly the same exact thing a week ago, if you'd like to critique that'd be neat (in the sig).
#9
This is great! Your piece manages to convey its message directly and brutally, just like it's supposed to. However, my favorite part was your use of bloviating (is that a word?). It sets the tone for the whole piece!
My only criticism would be that your first stanza is talking about kings in general, and then the second one suddenly refers to "he" (I'm assuming it's the king). It's a little abrupt.
#10
To clear up the kings in general, what I meant to convey was the main king, 'he' was basically bragging about how he was God, 'bloviating existence.' So HE, the main king of the story, is bragging to other kings about how great he is. And I will critique that right away...the music has a really big rock feel, real steady but chugging in its beat and movement, and I look forward to finishing it up and getting it on here to show you guys.
My Gear:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guitars:
Gibson Explorer, Worn Cherry-

Amps:
Fender Roc Pro 1000 - 1 x 12 Combo, 100 watts, Hybrid


Effects:
Blues Driver Keeley Modded