#1
olivia,
i know you're off trying to tame the unknowns with your mystical wand and archer's crossbow, you were always a real good shot, decoys behind your fathers cabin and target practice every thursday after school. you put me on display only a hiccup away and now i am borrowing from your memory bank, holding this pose, arms at my sides, eyes tucked beneath sullen eyelids, picking off sesame seeds that cover the pores of my skin from which my loneliness leaks. i've been saving my yawns in lock key safes hoping to be awake when you return, ill be humming along to the stories you tell, listening too closely to unnecessary details and i will shower you in lazy lines like 'i want to memorize the arch of your nose and put it in the prettiest poem' and 'i want to (ect. etcetera ect.). but really what i'll want is to walk with you home and fall asleep for the first time in weeks.
Last edited by rushmore at Nov 5, 2008,
#3
Please check your PMs sir.

--

Same here..
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#5
The same here was directed at your final line, fyi.

This is one of those pieces where you don't critique, you get in the car so I can buy you a round.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
ha. i hope im not bumming you out.
you can say whatever you want though, id like to know if its sh.it or decent.
#7
'i want to memorize the arch of your nose and put it in the prettiest poem' Very nice. But I hate the word mystical in the first line.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#8
Quote by rushmore
ha. i hope im not bumming you out.
you can say whatever you want though, id like to know if its sh.it or decent.


of the two, id pick decent.
in fact, its brilliant.

a few problems with grammatical errors, but nothing thats not a simple fix.

few suggestions:
L2, magical instead of mystical? mystical makes it sound unreal, and doesn't fit with the style of the rest of the piece. magical fits better, because its an exaggeration like many of the other things you say. or maybe a different word, im just saying, mystical doesnt work for me.

sometimes the sentences feel too long. i think that this piece might benifit from being structured like a poem with line breaks. but that, i suppose would ruin the "letter" effect.

on the topic of the letter, you start it well, keep it all in "you, I", yet you dont end it like a letter? just saying...

is the spelling of etc as ect meant here (L9)?


beautifully written, well done.

heart
(however the **** you get that.)


C4C, whatll it be, link in sig?
only if you want, you didnt say C4C, you didnt say anything.


would you like to elaborate on the piece, inspiration, olivia etc?
#9
this is good menry, you really tied it all together at the end, and gave us, through time, how much this individual really does care about this other person. I also like how he realizes that a lot of the usual corny stuff us guys do to try to impress girls, really does hold up in this situation. solid, heart flet stuff hear, you have certianly grown since the last time i read you.