#1
this for you, #1 synth, because you wanted something about someone who in know face to face, in the flesh, who loves me, or vice versa, and who deserves worship. Well, here you go. Tear this to pieces

Brie’s Song
(if you wrote a song about me)

“what would it sound like,
if you wrote a song about me?” she asked,
head tilted in that cute way
that cuts fire to my heart
her stare roaming about my soul
peaking into the rooms to see what she finds
some truth perhaps
or worse…

“I could never do it” I say
for lack of a better answer
an excuse not to dwell on my doubts
doubts that I could do it
doubts that she would like it
doubts about my doubts
Doubting Thomas would be proud
(stupid bastard)

so I’m taking a crack at this instead
poetry…
what a joke
should have taken the effort to write you a song
any song
rather than this

I’ll start with your eyes
a good place to start
“into your soul
the window’s clear”
you asked me if it was that obvious
I smiled and a gentle green washed over brown,
a slight lift in the mouth and tilt in the head

and your hair?
red like fire
fire
need I say more?

I think it’s the softness of your face,
the warmth of your body against mine,
the way your breath sends ripples over my skin
the taste that lingers long after you’re gone
hidden in the cracks of my teeth
the base of my mouth

“why do you love me?”
I couldn’t answer that then
I doubt I can now
it’s like asking why B goes to C
it just does
it makes it whole
complete
I know its boring and clichéd
but God if I can’t think of something beautiful
beautiful like you

sometimes I see us
ten years from now
in a house by the beach
running naked along the sands
making love under starless sky
my skin burns when I speak your name
I need you more than the air I breathe
I once called you my song
but I know that you can never be owned
like a fire you rage, controlled but wild,
burning those stupid enough to stray inside your path
but comforting those who keep close
huddled together from the winter chill

“if you wrote a song about me
what would it sound like?”

Life


(btw, probably no one will understand this, or get it, but i don't give a shit. Enjoy!)
#2
Wow, I really did like it. I really, really did. Great piece. I don't even understand what I like so much about it, but I really enjoyed it. Wonderful imagery. Keep it up.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=991917
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#3
I got it, and I enjoyed it. It's just cheesy enough, just personal enough to still be able to apply specifically to you and her. Axe 'stupid bastard', no matter which Thomas you're referring to. I have a feeling that the mere mention of his name solidifies the comment that follows, thus making it quite unnecessary. 'beautiful like you' is like the cherry on a banana split: few truly care about it, and it is more often than not uneaten, but it's a nice touch. good job.
#4
Quote by kdownes
this for you, #1 synth, because you wanted something about someone who in know face to face, in the flesh, who loves me, or vice versa, and who deserves worship. Well, here you go. Tear this to pieces

Brie’s Song
(if you wrote a song about me)

“what would it sound like,
if you wrote a song about me?” she asked,
head tilted in that cute way
that cuts fire to my heart
her stare roaming about my soul
peaking into the rooms to see what she finds
some truth perhaps
or worse…

the ellipses bothered me.

“I could never do it” I said
for lack of a better answer
an excuse not to dwell on my doubts
doubts that I could do it
doubts that she would like it
doubts about my doubts
Doubting Thomas would be proud
(stupid bastard)

no idea who Thomas is.

so I’m taking a crack at this instead
poetry…
what a joke
should have taken the effort to write you a song
any song
rather than this

uh, i hated this. its blunt and unimaginative. Once again the ellipses, seems like they're just there to say "oh hey im trying to be dramatic".
"so i'm taking a crack at this instead:
poetry."
would work better, imo. i would even go as far as omitting the last lines or at least work on them. The linebreaks are just distracting and the bluntness of them, ughhh. Definitely dragged down the piece. It sort of went downhill from here.


The ending was nice and strong, but it made me question if some of the ideas presented in the piece were really necessary.

(btw, probably no one will understand this, or get it, but i don't give a shit. Enjoy!)


to be honest this was nothing special. It was not bad, but not amazing either. As said before, it was cheesy at times and a lot of cliche ideas. A lot of the lines seemed unnecessary (they're probably not, but its just the impression i got).
I also checked some of your other pieces, much better than this one. I was gonna comment on them, but i didn't want to bump old threads. You're a good writer, definitely above average. However, this was just not for me.
Sorry if i was harsh.
Last edited by cubs at Nov 5, 2008,
#5
Doubting Thomas is the disciple from the bible who didn't believe Jesus had risen from the dead.
#8
Lots of cliches, but admittingly so, and the honesty makes up for it. It's relateable. I like it.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




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theguitarist
minterman22
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& alaskan_ninja

#9
I didn't like the tone and mood this piece had. It's hard for me to understand why it's the case, but it's very evident to me. The thoughts are cliched, but something about the characters don't seem real. Something about the girl asking him what the song would be like - especially right at the beginning of the piece - made me really lose interest in the girl, and her personality became very flat. The images that followed were not very specific, and cliche, which made her character even less interesting.

so I’m taking a crack at this instead
poetry…
what a joke
should have taken the effort to write you a song
any song
rather than this


That could be, should be, cut down. Big time. The thought itself definitely doesn't need a whole stanza, and the wording is very undecisive and bland.


I dunno, I just really didn't like it. I know that you've got a lot of thoughts in your head, and that your reasons for posting this go beyond getting a pretty crit. But this just felt so cliche. I hate to say it this way, but this reminds me of your last piece in terms of character development. I'm probably the only person that feels this way, but I'm just not immersed in her character (or the narrator, for that matter).

Sorry to be so harsh, but it's what I've got.
PS: Thanks for the crit on mine.
#10
This whole piece is just basically a collection of real life events, just put together with some filler crap in between here and there to try and colour it up a bit. 90 percent of this is real, taken from conversations, thoughts, dreams etc. I'm sorry that you didn't enjoy this, but you can't please everyone. Thank you for your crits though.
#11
i dont really feel like theres much i can add or say here that hasn't been said. i enjoy this for what it is, or what i interpreted it to be. i know i owe you crits, let me know when you post again.
#12
kudos
**** now i feel like a jackass, as if my songs can compete with the ones you peeps write.
i got work to do
keep it up
#13
I'm exhausted right now, Kyle so I will have to return to this. Thanks for reaching mine, AGAIN; you're very regular at critiquing everyone's pieces. I read the first verse and my eyes just rolled shut... I don't want to insult this by falling asleep half way through!

Nighty nigh'.
#14
no worries, dan, i enjoy reading and critting, gives me something to do with my time
#15
I will say one thing as it only needs one thing: I get it, and for that reason, I really like it...

that's two things actually.

Hell, while I'm at it, I may as well say that the flow of this - even with quick line breaks and diminished punctuation - was excellent. I have only read this twice and sometimes that's all that is needed.
#16
beautiful piece
its simple, and thats what makes it honest (a rare thing)
it also flows superbly. it has a conversational aspect to it
as though its a transcription of a heartfelt admittance
well done man
9/10

c4c?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=999460


ChordEdit: screw that other guy, the (stupid bastard) line is gold. keep it
#17


I'll be useful some other time, I promise.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!