#1
So I've noticed that occasionally people will post their papers for school in The Pit for criticism. I figured I might as well start a topic that all of it can be put in.

Here's one I just finished writing. I had to read an excerpt from the play Everyman and write a short essay about its moral. The curriculum I use is christian, so I wrote from that viewpoint, even though I am an atheist. It is just a first draft, so keep that in mind.

Out of all the art forms to gain popularity during the Medieval Period, few have come close to rivaling the popularity and respect that theater has gained. From Shakespeare to Marlowe, plays have gained substantial popularity throughout the world. A great example of this fact is the play Everyman. Everyman is the allegorical story of the life of each person. Through the use of vivid examples, Everyman brings attention to the spiritual issues each person must face.

The primary moral in the story of Everyman is preparedness. Everyman lived his life without giving thought to its end. Everyman's unpreparedness is made clear when he meets Death at the beginning of the story. Realizing that his life is at an end, Everyman is gripped by fear. He offers his great wealth in exchange for his life, but Death refuses. Through this, the audience is reminded of the fragility of life and the importance of dealing with spiritual matters now instead of waiting.

Although Everyman does contain great moral truths, its moral ideas are not perfect. After his conversation with Death, Everyman seeks out his friend Good-Deeds. Good-Deeds, who is weighed down by the sins of Everyman and cannot move, agrees to counsel him and testify for him before God. Through the testimony of Good-Deeds, Everyman is allowed into Heaven. This directly contradicts the Biblical idea of faith based salvation. Although good deeds are important, they are not a replacement for the salvation of Jesus.

Referred to as the best-known morality play, Everyman is a great example of Medieval theater. Although it presents the fallacious doctrine of salvation through works, Everyman does remind the audience that death may come at any time and that it would be prudent for us to be ready spiritually when that day comes.

I think it is decent for a first draft. There are some areas that seem weak to me. I hate the introductory paragraph, but I honestly could not think of anything else to put. Any thoughts?
#4
Quote by iantheman
no

Thanks for the productive post. There's a Math/Science help thread, so why not a thread for this?

tl;dr

Then kindly fuck off.
#6
Quote by jetfuel495
its kinda short. but then again, im used to writing pages upon pages upon pages. i wish i was in highschool again.

It had to be two pages written, and I believe that's about that length.
#9
The Leader casts "Lightning Bolt".

The Leader rolls d18.

The Leader crits Spamwise's paper for 1250!


...amidoinitrite?
Is it a bad thing if one of your testicles is larger then the other two?
#11
The key here is 'occasionally'. The math/science questions are so common a single thread was required. In this case unless everybody starts posting them an ONLY thread is not required.

I'll leave this open for opinions on yours but that's about it.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#12
Quote by Skierinanutshel
que?

there is a math and science thread because those topics dont require reading.

I'm sure it must suck for you to not possess the intelligence to be able to read a few paragaphs of text.

oh well then yeah that works

So do you think it's any good, then? Also, I'm interested in reading some of your paper if you want to post it.


I'll leave this open for opinions on yours but that's about it.

Okay..well whatever.
#13
Quote by Spamwise
So do you think it's any good, then? Also, I'm interested in reading some of your paper if you want to post it.


it needs to be expanded a great deal, but for a rough draft it works. it seems like youre just blazing through this paper. i havent read this play myself so i wouldnt know, but i think you could strengthen it by analyzing more and going more in depth on your points
#15
Quote by Spamwise

Out of all the art forms to gain popularity during the Medieval Period, few have come close to rivaling the popularity and respect that theater has gained. From Shakespeare to Marlowe, plays have gained substantial popularity throughout the world. A great example of this fact is the play Everyman. Everyman is the allegorical story of the life of each person. Through the use of vivid examples, Everyman brings attention to the spiritual issues each person must face.

If this is an analytical essay dealing with the contents inside the literature, then you need to rewrite this entire intro. You should immediately start with your thesis, not beating around bush with a general observation that has no relevance to an analysis directly related to an aspect of the literature.

The primary moral in the story of Everyman is preparedness. Everyman lived his life without giving thought to its end. Everyman's unpreparedness is made clear when he meets Death at the beginning of the story. Realizing that his life is at an end, Everyman is gripped by fear. He offers his great wealth in exchange for his life, but Death refuses. Through this, the audience is reminded of the fragility of life and the importance of dealing with spiritual matters now instead of waiting.
First sentence is too blunt. You need to introduce each branch of your thesis with more context. Supporting content isn't tying up with what you're putting forward very well...

Although Everyman does contain great moral truths, its moral ideas are not perfect. After his conversation with Death, Everyman seeks out his friend Good-Deeds. Good-Deeds, who is weighed down by the sins of Everyman and cannot move, agrees to counsel him and testify for him before God. Through the testimony of Good-Deeds, Everyman is allowed into Heaven. This directly contradicts the Biblical idea of faith based salvation. Although good deeds are important, they are not a replacement for the salvation of Jesus.
Rarely should you start your sentence off with "This" because it usually means you just broke up what you were trying to say in one sentence. Instead of "This", just add a comma followed by "which..."

Referred to as the best-known morality play, Everyman is a great example of Medieval theater. Although it presents the fallacious doctrine of salvation through works, Everyman does remind the audience that death may come at any time and that it would be prudent for us to be ready spiritually when that day comes.
Again, if your analysis has to do with the morality of the play, then that's what you should be talking about all the way through. Comments about its place in theater is irrelevant and a topic of another subject.

Overall, I think it needs a lot of work. Your thesis is not being followed up very well by branches of subtopics and their supporting examples.

...modes and scales are still useless.


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#16
Quote by jetfuel495
it needs to be expanded a great deal, but for a rough draft it works. it seems like youre just blazing through this paper. i havent read this play myself so i wouldnt know, but i think you could strengthen it by analyzing more and going more in depth on your points

Well the excerpt we read was only a couple of pages that didn't go into much detail. I will try, though.


yeah.....something about theoretical organic chemistry and not being able to read

You can't deny the fact that your post didn't scream intelligence.


edit: Thanks Xiaoxi. Like I said, I couldn't think of anything for the introductory paragrah, but I will try again.
#18
Quote by Spamwise
I'm sure it must suck for you to not possess the intelligence to be able to read a few paragaphs of text.


I can understand you wanting to hear others opinions but I personally come here for relaxation and entertainment, and reading about a topic I have never heard of doesn't fall into either category.
#19
Quote by Spamwise



Then kindly **** off.



Dude why invite people to critique your work then just tell them to **** off?
#20
Quote by RobertiusB
Dude why invite people to critique your work then just tell them to **** off?

I didn't invite people to spam. Saying "tl;dr" is spam.
#22
Quote by Spamwise
I didn't invite people to spam. Saying "tl;dr" is spam.


I think it was actually honest critique, requesting that you remove the waffling from your writing to a more readable length. Your username invites spam too.
#23
Quote by Xiaoxi
Rarely should you start your sentence off with "This" because it usually means you just broke up what you were trying to say in one sentence. Instead of "This", just add a comma followed by "which..."

What? Where the **** did you learn that rule?
#24
Here's an example of an A paper (yea that's right. I'm that cocky )

Lord Jim and The Return of the Native both possess protagonists that are the architectures of the classical and contemporary tragic heroes. Tragic heroes are usually individuals who are highly revered at the beginning of the narrative, yet are referred to with pity and even contempt by the end of the story. They have good intentions and have a desire to improve situations or help their people, but each has a flaw that leads to disaster and afflictions to the hero and those around him. Jim fantasizes about saving people from dire scenarios, yet perpetually falls short of doing so when the chances arise and lusts for second chances. Clym selflessly devotes himself to provide education for his neighbors, but is too stubborn to meet practical problems with practical solutions. Both protagonists are punished heavily for their personal shortcomings, resulting in deaths of loved ones and close friends as well as the realization that their aspirations are permanently ruined.

Jim’s tragic flaw stems from his longing for second chances after missing opportunities to conduct a successful act of heroism. Most tragic heroes possess superior talents or high ranks. In Jim’s case, his talent is his ability to quickly prove his merit in his occupations. Marlow even foretells the audience that Jim will be "loved, trusted, admired, with a legend of strength and prowess forming round his name." During his stint at a merchant marine academy, Jim develops a passion for the sea after taking “a course of light holiday literature.” His romanticized view of the sea-faring life sparks his interest in being a hero: putting down mutinies, conquering savages, and rescuing people from imminent danger. However, he perpetually fails to be the hero portrayed in his fantasies. When a collision between two ships occurs near his training ground, he acts too slow and misses the rescue boat. The abandonment of the Patna proved to be a crucial “chance missed”, as the ship was quite possible to salvage. The lives of the inhabitants of Patusan were put in jeopardy by Jim’s failure to expel Gentleman Brown and his criminals from the island. The significance of these shortcomings is that Jim could have succeeded if the opportunities were presented with more clarity to him. For example, had he known that the Patna was not sinking, he would have stayed on the ship to wait for a rescue vessel, which is why he is especially tormented by his regrettable choice of abandoning the Patna throughout his life. He thinks of the missed opportunity as a pinnacle of "the impossible world of romantic achievements" that was at his fingertips, but short of his grasp, which leads to his sympathy with the opportunistic Gentleman Brown. Having been captured, Gentleman Brown plays on Jim’s flaw; he asks Jim for a second chance, to which Jim feels compelled to give him to make up for Jim’s own missed chances. His decision to give Gentleman Brown a chance to leave Patusan results in the death of Dain Waris, which allows Jim’s haunting past failures to consume him and reveal that he will never be a true hero. Ignoring Jewel’s plea to avoid seeing Doramin after Dain Waris’s death, Jim visits the grieving father, who shoots Jim for his fatal mishandling. Jim, most likely knowing fully that Doramin was going to take revenge on him, sees the punishment justified for his failures of heroism. As one temporary employer wrote to Marlow about Jim’s apparent internal struggles, "The earth wouldn't be big enough to hold his caper."

Clym Yeobright may be noble and respectable for his generosity, but his inexorable ideals ultimately derail his plan to create a better life for the people of Egdon Heath. In the beginning of the novel, Clym is described with biblical proportions, envied by family and neighbors alike for his residence out of the country in Paris as a lucrative urban businessman. Clym comes back to the heath because he is dissatisfied with the metropolitan lifestyle abroad and prefers the simplistic nature of his hometown. He implicitly takes role as the leaders for the heath folks and feels a certain devotion to them. His noble intention in regards to tragic heroism is his goal of creating an education system for the inhabitants so that future generations can advance the conditions of life on the heath. His inherent flaw is his stubbornness on his determinations, which fate uses against him. First, he refuses to heed his mother’s warnings about Eustacia and her penchant for bringing misfortunes, which incites hostility between all three parties. Then, he fervently read textbooks to prepare for pedagogy to the point in which he becomes blind from exhausting his eyes. Thirdly, he neglects Eustacia’s requests to choose a more lucrative occupation, and works as a lowly farmer while recuperating his eyes and estranges his relationship with his wife. Hardy’s use of fate collects his mistakes to create a chain-reaction of misfortunes and repercussions. His physical blindness represents a metaphorical blindness; he is too stubborn to see fate’s force at work. As Timothy Fairway foreshadows, “[Clym] will never carry it out in the world. In a few weeks he will learn to see otherwise.” Clym only learns to see otherwise when he puts his stubborn aside to make amends with his mother and Eustacia. However, his timing is too late and both women die in various fate-driven incidents. Realizing that his stubbornness has sequentially created irreparable disaster, he abandons his dream of service. Instead, he becomes a drained and weak-eyed preacher who “was received kindly, for the story of his life had become generally known”, a stark contrast to the initially promising Clym.

Jim and Clym’s flaws are not entirely Greek classical and in the form of hamartia, and can be considered tragic virtues of the more contemporary English model. Tragic virtues are traits that are normally considered desirable, but the traits work against their favors due to external circumstances. Clym’s stubbornness isn’t one of mal or selfish intent. Rather, it is a byproduct of his determination to help his people. Fate is the ultimate external force that sabotages his benevolent plans by plotting behind his stubbornness. Jim’s flaw is that he longs for a second chance to be a hero, which is otherwise admirable because it shows that he wants to do genuine good in the world. However, his charitable nature is exploited as a virtue of weakness; he could not have known about the deceit made by Cornelius unto Gentleman Brown when he decided to release Gentleman Brown in an act of forgiveness.

The two English novels share the element of tragic heroism during a time of contemporary shift. The two heroes, Jim and Clym, have hamartia that gives way to their fall. However, their flaws aren’t unilateral like those in Greek tragedies because their internal shortcomings are exploited and fueled by many external circumstances working against them. Jim’s downfall is developed through the basic plot of his life: he wants to be a hero but never fully succeed. Similarly, Clym’s flaw is not inherent either because his judgments are made erroneous by fate’s opposing orchestration. The two protagonists offer a seamless display of classical and contemporary value on the focus of tragic heroism.


Quote by agreth_3rd
What? Where the **** did you learn that rule?

From my highly qualified and experienced English teacher during my senior year of high school.

...modes and scales are still useless.


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Last edited by Xiaoxi at Nov 3, 2008,
#25
Quote by RobertiusB
I think it was actually honest critique, requesting that you remove the waffling from your writing to a more readable length. Your username invites spam too.

It's almost too short, to be honest.

My name has nothing to do with spamming. It's a parody of the LotR character Samwise.



hey, whatever makes my mules work harder and my cows produce milk faster.

wtf?
#27

From my highly qualified and experienced English teacher during my senior year of high school

I wish I wasn't homeschooled. I have to send my papers and tests to this place to get graded, but I never actually get my papers back. I never find out how I did or what to work on, so I never get better.
#28
oh, and spamwise, i would have read and edited the paper (always gotten A's in english/writing courses) but i'm just tired, and was in a heated discussion with my gf, so i resorted to humorous quips to satisfy my need for laughter. maybe i can look at it tomorrow if you can wait.
#29
Quote by Skierinanutshel
oh, and spamwise, i would have read and edited the paper (always gotten A's in english/writing courses) but i'm just tired, and was in a heated discussion with my gf, so i resorted to humorous quips to satisfy my need for laughter. maybe i can look at it tomorrow if you can wait.

Ha, it's cool. Sorry i got pissed.
#30
Quote by Spamwise
I wish I wasn't homeschooled. I have to send my papers and tests to this place to get graded, but I never actually get my papers back. I never find out how I did or what to work on, so I never get better.

Well look at it this way. You just got schooled...by me.


...modes and scales are still useless.


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#31
Quote by Xiaoxi
Well look at it this way. You just got schooled...by me.


I was about to post "tl;dr" to that. I stopped myself, though
#32
Here's an assignment I'm working on. Its not really a paper, but a writing assignment nonetheless.

I have to explain the significant ideas presented in P. Shelly's poem "Stanzas Written in Dejection--December 1818, near Naples."

Percy Shelly’s poem “Stanzas Written in Dejection” shows significant ideas that relate to the principles of the Romanic Era such as the importance of nature and natural occurrences of emotion.

The speaker in the poem expresses the ideology of nature in the Romantic Era by declaring the sunset and all of his surroundings “will linger through enjoyed” in life “like joy in Memory” (CITEpg750), which shows that nature has its own place in one’s memory and is part of one’s life every day in which that memory lingers.

With this comparison, the speaker exemplifies the fact that his feelings of dejection are not those from his surroundings, but from another force. His interpretation of his own death suggests that he knows that death can be a natural cause and in its naturalness, be just as joyful as his surroundings.


This is supposed to be written all together but I paragraphed the ideas to make it easier to read here.

The poem I'm supposed to be analyzing can be found online. I'll look for a link.

Here's the first four stanzas:
www.bartleby.com/41/498.html

And the last stanza:
Some might lament that I were cold,
As I, when this sweet day is gone,
Which my lost heart, too soon grown old,
Insults with this untimely moan--
They might lament,--for I am one
Whom men love not, and yet regret;
Unlike this day, which, when the Sun
Shall on its stainless glory set,
Will linger though enjoyed, like joy in Memory yet.
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Last edited by americablanco at Nov 4, 2008,
#33
Quote by americablanco
Percy Shelly’s poem “Stanzas Written in Dejection” shows significant ideas that relate to the principles of the Romanic Era such as the importance of nature and natural occurrences of emotion.
Reiterations of the prompts suck. Rather than trying to fill up space, start off your whatever-it-is with something more specific and involved.


The speaker in the poem expresses the ideology of nature in the Romantic Era by declaring the sunset and all of his surroundings “will linger through enjoyed” in life “like joy in Memory” (CITEpg750), which shows that nature has its own place in one’s memory and is part of one’s life every day in which that memory lingers.

With this comparison, the speaker exemplifies the fact that his feelings of dejection are not those from his surroundings, but from another force. His interpretation of his own death suggests that he knows that death can be a natural cause and in its naturalness, be just as joyful as his surroundings.

What comparison? And it's hard to draw anything out of what you're claiming. You have to relate the points a lot closer. Last sentence is grammatically incorrect.

...modes and scales are still useless.


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#34
Quote by Spamwise
Thanks for the productive post. There's a Math/Science help thread, so why not a thread for this?


Then kindly fuck off.

I think its a good idear....
#35
Yes, I know I have to use more citations to make the point clear.

Last sentence is grammatically incorrect.
So is this one, lol.

I think I have to add a comma?
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#36
Here's a paper I just finished for Western Civ 2 (college course). Nearly everything in the paper is required and a strict structure requirement is in place, so there isn't very much freedom for expression, though I do my best. We had to pick a primary source from the textbook (I chose Louis' Memoirs to the Dauphin), a theme from a list (the theme was accepting responsiblities), create a thesis statement using the theme and souce, and relate the old happenings to more recent events. The Reagan worship was more to get my point across and shouldn't be taken to heart

And no, we aren't required to add citations, though most material is right from the textbook anyway.


Kingly Advice from Louis XIV and Accepting Responsibilities



Few monarchs in the history of the Western World have had the influence and power of King Louis XIV of France. He was the ideal king; powerful, organized, benevolent, proud, determined, and delighted to rule his country. Like any leader, he was presented with a series of responsibilities and was asked to fulfill them. Unlike many rulers, however, he saw these responsibilities as being of the utmost importance, and created a lifestyle for himself that would allow him maximum control so that he might accomplish maximum good for France, rather than live in excess while the country wasted away beneath him. All rulers are faced with responsibilities, and whether they choose to accept them and accomplish them or to ignore them and let the issues persist is exclusive to every leader. How a leader chooses to accept their responsibilities ultimately affects the success of the government and the success of the ruler himself.


King Louis knew that the responsibilities he held were supremely important and thus required the supreme attention of the monarch, and chose to write them down in his Memoirs for the Dauphin, a general collection of precepts for the education of his eldest son and to future heirs to the thrown. Here is one example of the general but blunt and truthful ideas he believed that the king need hold to: "Kings are often obliged to do things which go against their inclinations and offend their natural goodness. They should love to give pleasure and yet they must often punish and destroy persons on whom, by nature, they wish to confer benefits". Here he stresses the importance of the administration of true justice, without any special favor and with cold and logical procession to ensure that whatever needs to be done gets done, regardless of personal inclinations or desire for selfish gain. When he said "...they must give special care and total application to everything. One must resist oneself, resist one's own tendencies, and always be on guard against one's own natural bent", he referred to the necessity of the monarch's complete devotion and complete attention to their duties as leader of a country, and says that the monarch is obligated to resist their own desires and their own bad habits if they get in the way of the welfare of the State. Clearly, he was not only an amazingly devoted king but had high expectations for his heirs.


When an individual is put in a position of power, he is presented with an important question: should he accept the responsibilities given to him? King Louis XIV solved this dilemma by not only accepting his responsibilities, but by taking them as his divine mandate, and with an amazing fervor that has never been matched by any monarch, he made it his duty and his purpose to rule the country of France to the best of his ability, making absolutely no compromises. Many rulers often answer in a different way, however. King Louis XVI, the Sun King's great grandson, chose to leave these responsibilities to his advisors and to leave some completely unattended, and lived his kingly life in excess, feasting and partying and spending money with no concern for life outside of his lovely palace. His rule was so neglectful and so terrible that not only was be beheaded by his subjects, but monarchy collapsed completely in France, not because monarchy is inherently inferior, but because as a ruler he completely failed. It is obvious that any ruler, when presented with their position and their duties, will handle them in different ways, which ultimately leads to completely different outcomes.


In modern times, many leaders have fallen under the same rule. For instance, two famous rulers from modern times were Ronald Reagan and Saddam Hussein. Ronald Reagan came to power while the country was in crisis- the Cold War was at it's height, the country faced massive economic difficulty, with double digit inflation, huge interest rates on houses, and people forced to line up for gasoline at the pump. He saw these problems, and took them head on. Speaking in simple terms that the common people could understand, he empowered individuals and worked to bring national pride back into the mainstream. When the world was at risk of nuclear war, he worked hard and found a peaceful end to the conflict that had been going on for nearly 30 years. Reagan sought to bring pride back to the American people, and in the process gained immense popularity, winning two landslide elections and became known as the most prolific Republican president of the century, and clearly saw it as his duty to work for the people, rather than enjoy life in excess. Almost directly opposite, we see Saddam Hussein, the former president of Iraq. Saddam Hussein gained power in the 1960's and ruled with an iron fist. He was paranoid, killing anyone who he believed opposed him, rigging all elections, and plastering images of himself all over the country. Though he was careful to crush all opposition, he holed himself up in a lavish palace, where he enjoyed comforts and worship while the country dealt with massive debt, poverty, and abuse under his police state. Obviously, he saw his position as a place of grandeur, where he had a divine right to live lavishly as the ruler of a nation.


King Louis XIV may have been the most powerful and most successful monarch of all time, and with his power sought to fulfill his responsibilities to the best of his ability, seeing his kingship as a divine mandate to the country of France. Likewise, other leaders have ignored these responsibilities, choosing to enjoy their privileged lives with little concern for the world outside of their palaces or mansions or estates. The choices made by leaders regarding their reaction and acceptance of these responsibilities have a significant effect on their rule, on their country, and on the order and government as well. The monarchy of France flourished under Louis XIV, but under his great grandson Louis XVI, the monarchy was destroyed and the king himself killed. This illustrates the frivolity of arguing which political structure is "better", showing rather that the leaders and officials are what really "make" the government, not the form of government itself, and it all stems from the way that the leaders decide to rule and the care given to the issues and responsibilities which their position entails.


Crit would be appreciated and in the morning I might make changes before I print it to hand in for
Last edited by CowboyUp at Nov 4, 2008,