#1
ots. c4c. let me know if i owe you one.

so i am with her:
stars. lights. melodies. confetti. etc.
flowers calling out my name
explosions inside me and
rain drops gently falling on my and her skin
i am nervous. -
i take out my cell phone
and text myself
"where r u where r u?"
i don't know how to answer;
i take out some fireworks from my left pocket,
light them up, put them on a slingshot
and aim for the sky
"i'm here i'm here!"
Last edited by cubs at Nov 5, 2008,
#2
Quote by cubs
ots. c4c. let me know if i owe you one.

so i am with her:
stars. lights. melodies. confetti. etc.
flowers calling out my name
explosions inside me and
rain drops gently falling on my and her skin. i don't like "my and her" its really hard to read
i am nervous. - too blunt. Everything has been sort of vague, airy, until now, its a harsh break. ease into it a little
i take out my cell phone
and text myself
"where r u where r u"
i don't know how to answer
i take out some fireworks from my left pocket
light them up, put them on a slingshot
and aim for the sky
i'm here i'm here


Nice, but nothing more. The start and end were strong, but the middle section dropped off a bit. there is some bad punctuation and some dodgy flow issues in this, and it lets the piece down. it has a lot of potential though, just needs some dressing up, or down.
#3
thanks kdownes (name?)
I'll work on this a bit more tonight. Do you have a piece you'll like me to check out?
#4
wow.... i really liked this. I actually liked the "i am nervous" line. It got my attention and made things seem a little more stable. Overall it was a good read. I don't really have any complaints or suggestions. I thinks it's really unique.

c4c? any one in my sig....

Listen to my covers here.


"Some even claim that I'm a terror, a dictator and they're right." - Lou Reed


AK-ROWDY
#5
it's Kyle, and there's links in my sig. Probably "Brie's Song" would be best, seeing as its the most recent. ^I missed that "i am nervous" line before, i agree. I still can't find anything wrong with this, so you must be doing alright
#6
Short and sweeeeeeet.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching