#1
i just recently found out my girlfriend was raped, multiple times by her father when she was younger, now I'm venting
so if critting, at least be gentle on the topic


what did that sick bastard do
to cause you this lifetime
of uncontainable pain?
my God, how could it be done?
such a ****ed up action
that only the twisted could ever imagine
never before has someone so deserved to die
never before have i wanted to cause it

stripped of innocence
stripped of purity
what he's done to you
is less than he deserves
but they don't make words
to express my magnitude
of hatred, anger and sorrow

**** him and his perverted cruelty
**** him and his unmeasurably evil desires
**** him and his maliciously disgusting acts
**** him for this life he's damned you to lead
these memories you're condemned to keep
the hell you'll always have
this pain you'll forever feel
this terror you'll always relive

stripped of innocence
stripped of purity
what he's done to you
is less than he deserves
but they don't make words
to express my magnitude
of hatred, anger and sorrow

i wish they made words this deep
i wish he felt that cheap
i wish he could get what he deserves
i hope he feels the way you do
i hope he knows the hell he caused
i want him to see what he's done
i want his death to be soon
i want his death to be of fault my own
i just want him in the hell he deserves
Top 15:
Neutral Milk Hotel
Smashing Pumpkins
Placebo
Elliott Smith
Devendra Banhart
Pavement
Anberlin
Eve 6
The Clash
Imogen Heap
Ingrid Michaelson
Bayside
Minus The Bear
The Replacements
Bright Eyes/Conor Oberst
#2
Sounds like a horrible rendition of a Hatebreed song.
Jesus wouldn't give you the sweat off of his balls if you were dying of thirst.
Quote by Code-E
God, you've gotta be UG's only moron!


Quote by magnum1117
that's right,you certainly are UG's only moron.


Quote by necrosis1193
Read the moron's posts, ironically enough he knows what he says.
#4
i don't see the problem
Gear:
PRS SE Singlecut, blue with stoptail (my baby)
Line 6 Spider III 75 (shut up)
Epiphone Les Paul standard
Cheapo Yamaha nylon string
even more cheapo Fender steel string acoustic
#5
Quote by p o e
Sounds like a horrible rendition of a Hatebreed song.




I'm not going to lie to you, its not the greatest thing I've read. Thiers very little metaphoric usage and fewer use of a rhyme scheme BUT I'm not sure a rhyme scheme or use of metaphor is whats needed in this case, this song is about rage. My one criticism? Find another word for deserves, you use it twice in one stanza which kind of breaks the flow (In how I read it atleast.)
#6
It gets better as it goes along. I think that's probably just because I can't hear the rhythm you wrote it to, but I can imagine the rest of it a bit.

S'good and *hugs*
Quote by SteveHouse
Also you're off topic. This thread is about Reva eating snowmen.
#7
Quote by sakura'sdarkest


I'm not going to lie to you, its not the greatest thing I've read. Thiers very little metaphoric usage and fewer use of a rhyme scheme BUT I'm not sure a rhyme scheme or use of metaphor is whats needed in this case, this song is about rage. My one criticism? Find another word for deserves, you use it twice in one stanza which kind of breaks the flow (In how I read it atleast.)



thanks for an actual crit
and i think its something that'd be closer to spoken, almost like Cake, just obviously harder and angrier

and i know i need to fix that, i just kinda wrote this out without thinking of what i wrote, jsut for the sake of getting it off my chest, and i posted it like anything else i write
Top 15:
Neutral Milk Hotel
Smashing Pumpkins
Placebo
Elliott Smith
Devendra Banhart
Pavement
Anberlin
Eve 6
The Clash
Imogen Heap
Ingrid Michaelson
Bayside
Minus The Bear
The Replacements
Bright Eyes/Conor Oberst
#8
The thing I like about this is that it's got a lot of raw emotion. It needs work, but you'll work it out. Just be sure to add metaphors and whatnot and I think it'll turn out pretty powerful.
That's a damn hard thing to have to live with. You've got a strong girl.
Peace,
Lauren
"To find yourself think for yourself"
#10
Quote by lmack22
The thing I like about this is that it's got a lot of raw emotion. It needs work, but you'll work it out. Just be sure to add metaphors and whatnot and I think it'll turn out pretty powerful.
That's a damn hard thing to have to live with. You've got a strong girl.
Peace,
Lauren


i've not met anyone stronger, by God you couldn't even tell if you've known her for years, i have unspeakable respect for her

and i planned on fixing it, its just something i mindlessly wrote to vent with
Top 15:
Neutral Milk Hotel
Smashing Pumpkins
Placebo
Elliott Smith
Devendra Banhart
Pavement
Anberlin
Eve 6
The Clash
Imogen Heap
Ingrid Michaelson
Bayside
Minus The Bear
The Replacements
Bright Eyes/Conor Oberst
#11
Quote by sakura'sdarkest


I'm not going to lie to you, its not the greatest thing I've read. Thiers very little metaphoric usage and fewer use of a rhyme scheme BUT I'm not sure a rhyme scheme or use of metaphor is whats needed in this case, this song is about rage. My one criticism? Find another word for deserves, you use it twice in one stanza which kind of breaks the flow (In how I read it atleast.)



dont vent.

think, right with passion, not anger.
write slowly, not impatiently.

songs are created, not written.