#1
if i was 12 i'd be running with sparklers in my hand
and two M-80s in my pocket.
watching my dad slumped at a picnic table
spilling popcorn crumbs and sipping on one of those
plastic cups that freezes itself.
my mother dancing in our barn
talking about how new it feels.
my brother wrapped in a blanket of anti-nazi
and baseless political pride sipping on a cherry coke
and kicking my ass in croquet.

i've realized why i'm marked apathetic.
a generation of pleasure seekers that
have no preference of white, yellow, or black.
we'll throw balloons while it lasts.
and i want to know where the boys are taking shots
and how many girls found their heads curled next to free coffee
and an "i voted" sticker.

his feet were bigger. that is why he always won.
now we're parallel though. i have a wall of backyard trophies
and he has two permanent hearts.
i suppose girls go for the jock,
even when his hair is bleached orange
and his passion involves bloodsuckers.

we're finding ourselves shooting roman candles
hoping flashes of light will break the dark.
but, all the girls i know have shaved pussies
and don't mind that their skirts are hiked.
learning every year
that fireworks mean so much more when you're young.
and i'm spent for comfort food
starring at my kitchen floor
lit by the t.v.

and i only can explain my anticipation as so;
a scene from 'Men Who Hate Women'
girl buys a Elvis mirror.
girl tries to take it to a boy.
boy is with another girl
and so she throws out the sign
muttering to herself
"stupid, stupid girl."
#2
I'm curious as to what style of music is this. This is just my type of writing, it's great, deep and meaningful. It flows nice and easy as well. This is really really good; I especially like that last verse. I want to hear this one. Beautifully done, great work.
#3
brilliant. I can't crit this at all, except to say that it was a very strong piece that read beautifully. However, I will say the ending felt a little week to me, but maybe thats just me. fantastic work
#5
The part I really liked was

'wrapped in a blanket of anti-nazi
and baseless political pride sipping on a cherry coke
and kicking my ass in croquet.'

and it didn't make sense. He's wrapped in a blanket (a metaphorical blanket or not, with the tone of the rest of this it comes across as literal), sipping on coke and playing croquet at the same time? If you say so. I love the contrast but don't think it quite works.

The rest didn't get to me on first read but I'll try to come back and give it another read.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#8
I was really drawn in initially, but later down the line I honestly found myself questioning the piece: "what the **** are you on about?" Maybe I'm just not making the connections. Or a connection. Or whatever.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#9
commentary on anticipation, devotion, back hand nature of how people want the image of being attached to something when they are actually interested in the complete opposite. using the guise of the election as that or at least attempting. the first stanza is kinda of hypothetically going back to how i'd view the event as a kid. then how i view it now. then back. then i start drawing conclusions and say how yet another supposed great situation is probably going to end up blowing up in my face.

aka. just being cynical jared as per usual. i know it is pretty heavy worded and dense, but i really couldn't figure out how to deliver it in any other way.
#10
jared, you have a way with the written language that throws me deeper down the spiral staircase of envy every time i read.

did i mention that the stairs are fluffy little clouds of rainbow sprinkled joy?

on a serious note though, i'd have to say that this is quite possibly the "rawest" piece i've ever read from you; and you delivered it quite well, friend.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#12
Other than being disappointed that I couldn't connect to it very much, it's very impressive. Well-written.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#13
I guess i am just not that big of a fan of this style from you. might be a little picky, since i have read so much of your work in the past, but i get a lot more out of the subtle, artsy stuff you come up with, where i have to think about it for a while. didn't really get that from this, so naturally, i am going to be a little disappointed.