#1
sorry for not reading the rules before entering a new forum, my bad. thanks Carmel. have read them now.

well this is my first attempt at lyrics so be nice. i know it needs a lot of help but i thought i'd give it some exposure anyway. no title yet. work in progress.



stare at the ceiling
half covered in bed
nights are pretty chilly
still you break into sweat

that generic acoustic music
eerily pleasant tonight

but i...
I'm sure this has to be right
and i still soar and fly while I'm strapped to your spiraling kite
your spiraling kite


i promise ill try to always be there
i promise ill laugh as you go (away)
ill be the sidelined mannequin you want now
and never want anything more

but i...
know that we'll never be right
i...
don't know what you feel
when you
gaze at the sky at your kite


cut loose before it'd crash in the night
Last edited by akack at Dec 30, 2008,
#3
Quote by akack


stare at the ceiling
half covered in bed
nights are pretty chilly
still you break into sweat Good start, nice flow.

that generic acoustic music
creepily pleasant tonight i didn't think this was as strong. "creepily" doesn't work as well here, probably try something a bit stronger. I think "eerily" works better here (god, i hope i spelt that right)

but i...
I'm sure this has to be right
and i still soar and fly while I'm strapped to your spiraling kite
your spiraling kite Good chorus, I don't know if you noticed this, but you've got a great internal half-rhyme with sure and soar

i promise ill try to always be there
i promise ill laugh as you go (away)
ill be the sidelined mannequin you want now
and never want anything more This is really good as well, stronger than the first verse

but i...
know that we'll never be right
i...
don't know what you feel
when you
gaze at the sky at your kite


cut loose before it'd crash in the night


I really enjoyed this, I did. The writing is very good, especially for a first post. And I'm not just being nice, i don't do that. Sure, I'm not as harsh as others, but still...

Anyway, I feel word choice let you down a little in the first verse, also it's a bit unoriginal and slightly cliched. The little stand alone stanza (pre chorus?) is good, just that word change would really help imo. This got better as it went along. Well done, look forward to seeing some more of your work. PM me when you post something else.
#4
Quote by kdownes
I really enjoyed this, I did. The writing is very good, especially for a first post. And I'm not just being nice, i don't do that. Sure, I'm not as harsh as others, but still...

Anyway, I feel word choice let you down a little in the first verse, also it's a bit unoriginal and slightly cliched. The little stand alone stanza (pre chorus?) is good, just that word change would really help imo. This got better as it went along. Well done, look forward to seeing some more of your work. PM me when you post something else.


Thanks a lot man. Confidence boost was needed.

I'll get around the forums critting other's stuff now, but I don't think I know enough to comment really.
#5
I like this a lot. The first stanza was shaky but you finished it quite well. The kite metaphor is very unique; I never would have thought of something like that.
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