#1
so this isnt entirely finished, and im debating on whether i should finish it or not. i really like it, but i just dont see it happening any time soon. its kinda long.

i also need tips for improving it, sometimes i feel like it gets too repetitive.

well, here it goes:

the hell she creates exists within her
as she stares across this blazing field
there is no heat from these wicked flames
but in her mind this fire is real
silence fills the air around her
to stop her cries she holds her breath
and for some reason she cant resist
being pulled into this field of death

somewhere across this chaotic land
a lonely soul is silently lying
freezing to death beneath a barren tree
this lonely soul is slowly dying
foolish things he must have thought
that love would ever last
"keep your innocence and unbroken hearts"
will read his epitaph

she walks forward, her fear consuming her
yet these horrid flames keep at bay
so she continues forth in her resolve
and listens to what her heart has to say
she knows she finds it hard to trust because
shes been burned so many times before
but if she has the strength to try again
he swears she shall be hurt no more

next to lifeless, gazing at the sky
the sun blocked out by a leafless branch
on its way down past the horizon
and our wayward soul begins his dying chant
"i have no regrets about my life
except that i never found the right one
and now it ends all too soon,
and i must die with this setting sun"

she continues further through the blaze
ignoring her mind and following her heart
as embers rise and the fire dies
a clear cut path begins to part
the light begins to fade away, and
the sun sets, given to the moon
the smoldering fire stops burning
and instantly the air starts to cool

waiting, lying, dying, cold
awaiting death in this deep dark freeze
just as he is giving up on this world
he cannot believe what he sees
the ice around him begins to melt
the branches once bare now covered with leaves
the air around freezes him no more
the frost around his heart quickly leaves
-----

and thats all i have so far. the song itself is going to end up being relatively lengthy as well, with heavy fast parts and soft quiet parts (think insomnium) and the beginning of it is going to have a real angry/depressing tone to it that gradually fades into a happier sound (going along with the story)

i have two possible endings:

1. a typical 'happily ever after' ending. not my style

2. a seemingly 'happily ever after' ending, until the woman leaves him, the man ends up burning, the tree burns as well, the woman walks on into a blizzard, but it has no effect on her because shes a cold hearted bitch. thats more of my style.

sorry for the wall of text but i need help here

thanks in advanced, ill be on later tonight, hopefully to some helpful replies

#2
i would crit, but im tired, its long.

a song? seriously? out of this? more to come?

i wouldnt, personally. way too lengthy for my liking.

yet it is good.
#3
read first half very good,doesnt good cliche. not much more to crit,but it kinda long,i ll finish it later
Just call me Julius, J, etc.
Taking an Internet break for a while, will come on when I can.
#4
I liked it as a whole, but I think it would be better to keep it as a long poem and not a song. The last stanza is nicely done and complements the imagery of ice nicely with the image of thawing out. As far as endings go I would go with number 2 just because I think you could have some nice imagery with the cold hearted bitch walking into the blizzard.
#5
Hm, very good. But I don't know how well it would work as a song. It was a little bit on the lengthy side and seemed to flow more like a poem. Very good writing and painted a good picture. I could see it working if you split it into different parts like they did, "Jesus of Suburbia" by Green Day. Then have a chorus or something to tie it all together.
Quote by Ponyexpress
Grammar Nazis scare the living crap out of me mainly because I'm half Jewish


MY SONGS:
[thread="985311"]A Love/Hate Relationship[/thread]
[thread="985301"](All) I Can See[/thread]
[thread="983897"]My Heart is a Hand Grenade[/thread]
#6
thanks for the replies, guys

and to all of you who said that this is too long to be a song, your damn right it is. but i think ill do it anyways ive already started writing the music for it, and i plan to keep writing the music until i run out of lyrics. then ill finish the lyrics, then finish the music

and yes, rockstar, i do believe that i will do it in the same style of green days JOS. it will be separated into sections most definitely, and each section will sound a little different. the parts that are about the girl will be fast and heavy, because the imagery of fire suits it more, and the parts about the dying man will be slow and depressing, cuz it just fits. i havent figured out what to do for the music when i reach the part where they meet, so any ideas would help
Last edited by jetfuel495 at Nov 7, 2008,
#7
Well, not for copying, but just for ideas. In JOS, the first Section, Jesus of Suburbia is pretty fast and up beat, then the City of the Damned is slowed down. The last three parts have more of an almost melancholy feel to me. Depending on what type of song it is, if it's a alt rock or pop/punk whatever song, throwing some strings or other orchestra type insturments would give it a nice feel. Maybe a violin, but not too much.
Quote by Ponyexpress
Grammar Nazis scare the living crap out of me mainly because I'm half Jewish


MY SONGS:
[thread="985311"]A Love/Hate Relationship[/thread]
[thread="985301"](All) I Can See[/thread]
[thread="983897"]My Heart is a Hand Grenade[/thread]
#8
Quote by Rockstar729
Well, not for copying, but just for ideas. In JOS, the first Section, Jesus of Suburbia is pretty fast and up beat, then the City of the Damned is slowed down. The last three parts have more of an almost melancholy feel to me. Depending on what type of song it is, if it's a alt rock or pop/punk whatever song, throwing some strings or other orchestra type insturments would give it a nice feel. Maybe a violin, but not too much.


ah, although i must admit i love green day, they and i are worlds apart when it comes to music. its more of a metal project. so maybe some melancholy pianos or something, some slow foreboding acoustic guitars