#1
"I hate you", she spat the words out as though they were infected, and maybe they were. I drank them in a similar fashion, mirroring her somehow, and she sharpened her tongue to break me. I refused to play her game, my face stayed devoid of cracks, an imitation of her nonchalance.

"I HATE YOU." Echoes don't usually get louder, do they? She twisted disgust into more of a weapon than a noun, torturing me with every breath, every little molecule of her unfulfilled existence. Her eyes; her tongue on her lips; a small sigh; a flick of her tangled hair. She knew.

"IhateyouIhateyouIhateyouIhateyou" she coughed in a single breath, repeating the same few seconds like a broken child attacking a parent. Tears poured down her face now, and suddenly I cracked, tears on my own cheeks. Faithful in irony, both hers and my own, resigned to my position. She sunk into my arms, muttering the same phrase under her breath until the impact was gone and with it the candid reflection.

And then the echoes are gone and so is she, and I don't know where I am any more, but it's not here. I glance at the clock behind me. One year down, six to go.


Shit? Probably. Pretentious? Probably. C4C.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
Last edited by break-me-in at Nov 6, 2008,
#2
birlliant.

simple idea, even cliched in most rock songs. yet so welll said.

applause.


i can ask for a crit back after just saiying that, but if you have a spare time, if anything just write a line back to me, freebump right?
#3
Quote by ginjaninja
birlliant.

simple idea, even cliched in most rock songs. yet so welll said.

applause.

i can ask for a crit back after just saiying that, but if you have a spare time, if anything just write a line back to me, freebump right?


Sure, what piece do you want me to crit?
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#4
Quote by break-me-in
"I hate you", she spat the words out as though they were infected, and maybe they were. I drank them in a similar fashion, mirroring her somehow, and she sharpened her tongue to smash that mirror. I refused to play her game, my face stayed devoid of cracks, an imitation of her nonchalance.
I don't like the way 'sharpened her tongue to smash that mirror' is worded, especially after the preceding line. You need to replace some of your commas with semicolons or figure out some other form of punctuation if you're going to keep it in this kind of a paragraph format. It took me a few reads to get all the images clearly; needs to be read aloud a few times and edited.

"I HATE YOU." Echoes don't usually get louder, do they? She twisted disgust into more of a weapon than a noun, torturing me with every breath, every little molecule of her unfulfilled existence. Her eyes; her tongue on her lips; a small sigh; a flick of her tangled hair; she knew.
The character jumps around. "Echoes.. do they?' seems naive rather than sarcastic. "Every little molecule' can be left alone as 'every molecule'. 'She knew' would be more effective if it stood as it's own statement. The montage of images in the preceding line are nice though.

"IhateyouIhateyouIhateyouIhateyou" she coughed in a single breath, repeating the same few seconds like a broken child attacking a parent. Tears poured down her face now, and suddenly I cracked, streams on my own cheeks. Faithful in irony, both hers and my own, resigned to my position. She sunk into my arms, muttering the same phrase under her breath until the impact was gone and with it the candid reflection.
'Streams' is just weird. Everything else has been images.. you can take a break and just say that you cried/weeped/had tears. Images are best used when balanced. The whole sentence 'Faithful.. position' reads funny.

And then the echoes are gone and so is she, and I don't know where I am any more, but it's not here. I glance at the clock behind me. One year down, six to go.
First sentence would be better off divided into multiple sentences.


Shit? Probably. Pretentious? Probably. C4C.
Don't tell me that; I'll believe you

I was harsh but only with good intention, because I know what feeling you're trying to convey, and I felt it and wanted to share it with you. It's not one easily explained, and while this poem was good (despite my ripping it apart), you can do better with some editing, and I think it'll do you more justice. The confusion, putting up a front to get a response, using hate to hide weakness, and falling right back to pieces at affection, the hollow feeling of it all just fleeting... it's all there, and it's a powerful thing. Just look through it and work on the bits and pieces a little more.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#5
Quote by break-me-in
"I hate you", she spat the words out as though they were infected, and maybe they were. I drank them in a similar fashion, mirroring her somehow, and she sharpened her tongue to break me. I refused to play her game, my face stayed devoid of cracks, an imitation of her nonchalance.
Sets the mood well. The bad relationship or what not. the nonchalance, as you say, and the attitude of having been through this before with her

"I HATE YOU." Echoes don't usually get louder, do they? She twisted disgust into more of a weapon than a noun, torturing me with every breath, every little molecule of her unfulfilled existence. Her eyes; her tongue on her lips; a small sigh; a flick of her tangled hair. She knew.
I can feel where you're coming from, i've been there too. Good phrase

"IhateyouIhateyouIhateyouIhateyou" she coughed in a single breath, repeating the same few seconds like a broken child attacking a parent. Tears poured down her face now, and suddenly I cracked, tears on my own cheeks. Faithful in irony, both hers and my own, resigned to my position. She sunk into my arms, muttering the same phrase under her breath until the impact was gone and with it the candid reflection.
Brings back all too familiar memories. Good imagery

And then the echoes are gone and so is she, and I don't know where I am any more, but it's not here. I glance at the clock behind me. One year down, six to go.


Shit? Probably. Pretentious? Probably. C4C.



Maybe because i'm going through a break up right now, but this speak really hit home to me. It felt more like a narrative than anything, but i liked it.
#7
Edited a little in regards to Saadia's comments. The "Faithful in irony..." sentence I realise doesn't make sense to anyone except me, but I can't think of a different way to phrase it. Will change it later. And the "Echoes... do they?" bit is supposed to just be unaffected, not sarcastic or naive.

Thanks for the rest of the positive feedback. Sorry to hear about the break-up man.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
Last edited by break-me-in at Nov 8, 2008,