#1
Dad,

your anger subsides in those flushed cheeks,
the cricked veins stretching out- extra wall

space - ha.

I could joke but the blood would push the corners
of your mouth down, kill the smile in birth. And he

doesn't

really help, gruff-voiced at the television. Too dissimilar,
your interests. I've always remembered the butter-knife

could

never cut the tension. Watch out, Mum. The hob's getting
hot. Don't let the line fall upon it, melt the covering. It might

light. Blow.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Nov 5, 2008,
#2
I have one question before I come back to this.

What is a hob?
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
this is a spaced-out quirky thang.

the two line then single-word breakout is bold.
and the way you start out addressing Dad, then having an unnamed "he" is confusing.
it seems like you're now talking about Dad, but i'm unsure.
objects connected in ways that are unclear.
i get the feeling the butter-knife has some significance, either in reality or metaphorically.
but why? i can only wonder.

even when i don't know what you're on about, i still love hearing you speak.
Meadows
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I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#7
you know my thoughts on this probably, or at least can guess, but I shall tell them to you anyway

Quote by Jammydude44
Dad,

your anger subsides in those flushed cheeks,
showing, not telling. 'those' is an extraneous word here, it's drawn out and distracting to the actual subject of the sentence. And, if you mean the cheeks to be the subject of the sentence reword or get rid of the first five words as they are there for no reason other than to set up the flushed cheeks and the line following (and, of course, they dilute the effect of the rest). The first line was general and needs to be reified and that makes me think the author is not in control of his language (if he has to set up to what he really means) and so I am already turned off to the piece.
the cricked veins stretching out- extra wall
don't know what cricked means, but I like it in this context (at least sonically). I want to know more about the situation here, as of now I have no idea of your intentions with the character (of the invisible "I" and the dad) and I don't have a feeling that you do either, which would be remedied with a greater emphasis on specifics to the situation and context. I want to know more, so that's good, but I don't believe you're going to tell me more, based on how you've presented the general sentiments in the first two lines. I do enjoy the feeling of confrontation the structure implies and how the piece starts by addressing someone, thats all pretty cool.

space - ha.
didnt get this because you didnt set up anything to relate this to, unless i really am missing something, which is entirely possible, you are british afterall.

I could joke but the blood would push the corners
of your mouth down, kill the smile in birth. And he
who is the he and the you in this situation, that's confusing. again, without some idea of the situation being described the "kill the smile in birth" means very little. I love the sentiment in the first and a half lines but I don't understand them at all.

doesn't
i'm not understanding why these certain words were chosen to be outside the rest except for arbitrary reasons, which I don't believe would be your reasons for doing anything.

really help, gruff-voiced at the television. Too dissimilar,
your interests. I've always remembered the butter-knife
the television idea was well executed. the "too disimilar, your interests" was a weird syntax for no reason and I don't need nor understand it. The butter-knife is the part where it starts to get better in terms of content, but the fractured presentation takes away from my ability to get a concrete image out of this, which is what I really want.

could

never cut the tension. Watch out, Mum. The hob's getting
hot. I like this. Don't let the line fall upon it, melt the covering.seemed wordy, though I don't know how. It might

light. Blow.
eh, don't see how the ending connects to the beggining and the entire piece seemed to reek of insufficient connection. indeed, i did not understand a majority of this. the last part was clearly the best part and the most impactful for me as it reified the situation and allowed me to latch onto something other than generalized imagery. Overall, i feel like the structure hindered the piece greatly as it obfuscated to an even greater degree the message of the piece. None of the ideas felt whole either, they felt, instead, like half truths that needed the other half to complete them but the other half never came.


thank you for your comment on my piece and I sincerely hope you're doing well (or slowly dying from some obscure Peruvian illness)