#1
wow, i haven't wrote anything in a long while, so here is my return. using more as a warm up, should take me a bit to get back into form.

***
there is an example of this exact occurance that i forgot about just now; it was creeping towards the tip of my tongue, pasted, probably to the back of the inside of my skull, then plastered over & over & over again. It has since been written on with phone #'s, agressive slang, and pictures of various body parts. I prop my head to where my chin is just above the water, and for the first time in the history of my life, or possibly even the entire being of my soul, i feel completely unimportant, fully engaged and apart of all of my surroundings, as if 'one' with everything I have ever seen, touched, smelled, or heard. I tread slowly over to the edge of the shallow end, where my moms dangling feet flick at the water with her toes. "Hun, were you gonna to say sumthin?" Hun? Honey! Wake up!! You're not breathin! Somebody help!!"

"Mom, that penny's too deep for reachin," for some reason, is all i wanted to say, as i watched a smile on my face continue to grow.
#2
The opening line is very loosely presented, and seems to make little sense. Very disengaging.

I feel the rest of this was completely underdeveloped. Every idea needs room to grow to be kept or discarded; the conversation at the end was hardly moving.

The last line is win, and I have a feeling that the rest of this came from it.

Let the cake bake a little longer. Make the cake, then add the icing.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#5
I was intrigued in the beginning and creeped out as hell by the end. Both feelings are very good.
However, the middle just lacked; it was meant to mean something, but it never showed quite what.

I'd be more constructive but that kind of stuff is out of my hands and in the author's.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#7
i unfortunately only ever got to read one other of your work, which i greatly enjoyed. THis, however, felt constricted and scattered. It was like you'd taken a million different ideas and tried to compress them all into a paragraph. Ok, that's a bti of an over exaggeration, but you get the idea. The ending was strong, but the begging was really floating all over the place, which sucked for me, cause I want to be grabbed right at the start, and instead you ahd me going "what the hell? That doesn't even amde sense." Then it got worse and i had to wait to the last line before it got good. This needs to be given room to breathe, expand it and focus on your strongest ideas. Make it tight and punchy, or at least understandable.
#8
i found this to be kinda interesting actually. the part where you feel completely unimportant should be expanded on, i think. actually, alot could be expanded on. only you know whats going on here, and i think the rest of us (for the most part) are slightly confused. but the two lines of dialogue are great, even if the last one seems a bit random.

judging by peoples reaction to you (and your join date) it seems to me like youre quite famous around here. i wouldnt know, im of the lesser breed who spends most of his time in the pit

id be grateful if you could take a look at this and tell me how i could improve it
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=17048428
#9
yeah, this was really quickly wrote and i agree with you that my thoughts were certianly underdeveloped. i appreciate you guys' honesty, and will try to get back to all of your promptly.
#10
unfortunately i don't think that there's anything i can be too constructive on here, since most of the points have been eliminated.

i will say that i enjoyed it, though.
i too, used to read your stuff back in the day.
i look forward for more.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.