#1
From back in August

Verse 1
Tryin' to make a livin'
For my baby on the way
Bust my back in a shop
All the hot hot day
Got no air conditioner
But they don't seem to care
They're all smokin' cigars
An I'm chokin' in the air

Chorus
Tryin' to make a livin'
For my baby on the way
But no one needs a mechanic
In the USA
They all got computers
All ya need is a chip
Wendy's just a waitress
We're livin' off a tip
Tryin' to make a livin'
For my baby on the way
But no one needs a mechanic
In the USA

Verse 2
Lizzie an' Todd
You know they made it up town
I still get a call
Every time she breaks down
An' Every time I do it
Lord I die some more inside
Guess you could chalk that one
Up to my foolish pride

Chorus

Solo

Verse 3/Bridge (Has diff. chord progression from verses 1 &2)
Lord knows I've tried
But I can never understand
Why she wouldn't let me
Take hold of her hand
Guess he always had a hold
I remember every word she said
And how we both felt so dead
That's when I called Wendy
Just to escape the cold

Chorus
#2
good, but the constant An', tryin', livin' annoyed me.
made me feel all "south american". bloody horrible stereotypes.


generally as a rule of thumb, i like songs to be posted on here as pieces of work to be read, not songs to be sung.

apart from that, good.
#3
It's all so damn cliche. I can imagine it being some old blues-rock song. There's no substance to the lyrics, you're telling a linear, dull story. Fortunately, you've got good control over your rhymes and the flow isn't too bad, so you have potential to be a good writer if you just use more interesting language and stop sounding Robert fucking Plant.

You don't have to, and probably don't want to, but if you feel like returning the crit: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=993470
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

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#4
Well sorry about the dropped g's but I am from the south, so I guess it permeated into my writing. I just put it up here because it's one of my better works and I wanted to get some strangers opinions, because people you know tend to just not be as harsh.

I also didn't really try ot be steroetypical, I was just having the freeon checked in my car and got the idea. I was not trying to be Plant either, but thanks. Lol. I had been listening to a lot of Springsteen at the time, so I guess that's why it ended up being kinda old school sounding. Thanks for the crit and I'll do your soung when I get back.