#1
Im having MAJOR writers block....this is all i can come up with. I usually don't write in this style...but hey, what the hell. I'll try anything once. Now it's up to you guys if i try it again. I don't really like it that much. C4C.....you know the drill.


I hope you wake up in a room full of dead bodies. I hope you’re conscious enough to know you killed them. They’re dying. They’re dead. It’s all your fault. I want you to pass out again from the overwhelming stench of rotting prayers and the hot blood still screaming from the veins around you. I want you to wear that same blood everyday. Smeared on your face, to turn your skin an ugly red. Serves as a reminder of what you’ve done to thousands of lives. Shattered hopes. Broken Spines. Scars that have unimaginable stories hidden just beneath their surface. Forever carved into their owners nightmares. I don’t want to hurt you. Only want to make you sick of yourself. Only want to make you see what so many of us already know. I hope you’re smart enough to accept that you are wrong. Then maybe we'll think about forgiving you.

Listen to my covers here.


"Some even claim that I'm a terror, a dictator and they're right." - Lou Reed


AK-ROWDY
#2
diffrent, metal? you should put the song in structure, showing the what the verse is and what the chorus is, that would make it easyer to understand. sorry i donthave any lyrics written on my computer giht now
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#3
well it's not really a song....more like a buch of my thoughts squeezed together. Most of my other stuff is in a semi-understandable format. I only have one "song" posted on here. I love metal but am definantly a singer/songwriter type lol. Thx for the crit man.....when you post something.....i'll get to it.

Listen to my covers here.


"Some even claim that I'm a terror, a dictator and they're right." - Lou Reed


AK-ROWDY
#4
this was what you said: a bunch of your thoughts squeezed together. it lacked organization and was confusing at times. Still, it had some nice ideas through the piece. I just think it needs better organization and execution. It lacks unity as of now.

I want you to wear that same blood everyday. Smeared on your face, to turn your skin an ugly red. Serves as a reminder of what you’ve done to thousands of lives.

I don't know if it's because english is not my first language, but i found that awkward and confusing. Not too mention "shattered hopes" is cliche.
I would try rewriting the whole piece, you have some good ideas.
#5
i liked this. alot of raw emotion here. from what it i can gather, it sounds like youre talking to someone whos an alcoholic that apparently was the cause of a drunk driving accident.

i like the way you worded things, and the imagery you used. the writing style is great too, for some reason i just like reading angry thoughts i guess

overall id say it was pretty good. only a few things need changing, maybe some word choices or something

take a gander at any of mine from my sig?
#6
Sometimes, less is more. A little less of the gruesome angst would be more effective; it'd stand out more rather than just be lost in a sea of, well, more angst.
This is good for a braindump, which (from your description) it was. I think you could make something out of it =]
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