#1
OTS; I'm going to rewrite it eventually... c4c


He was a waterfall.
His thoughts kissed more passionately
Than any Hendrix song, no matter how long
And when we toked, the red in his eyes
Only made the blues and greens more like stars.
We were connected.
Ripping his voicebox away from my ear
Was so hard to do, because you can't help but
Talk to yourself.

He would always talk of death like it was something proportional to life
That if you really, really lived, you died early
And the more beautiful your art, the harder the blow
So dying early was his thing
And that he did.

Within a month he died in a vial
His mind disintegrated in acid while
Colors and subtance shot out of him when he took a hit
And they never came back for later.
He finally danced and touched and flew
And left his former, timid shell
To become a god of thunder -
But the rain was always tainted..
He was dead without his poison.

And so the ghost still haunts me
We'll have lunch and go on walks
And he raves about his occasional living form.
I'll try to look him in the eye but
All I see is the back of his skull
'When did your substance fade?'
'I like myself now. I reincarnate myself into something I love.'

Love and ecstasy are two different things -
He's too rich in mind to give in to a fantasy world
But alas, there's no such thing as ghosts and
Hoaxes can go hand in hand -
In the meantime, I don't mind looking through him.
He walks in purgatory til he can get the next hit
I'll be waiting when he wants something genuine.

It feels good to have the earth under your feet.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




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theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
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Last edited by vintage x metal at Nov 5, 2008,
#2
I'm not really sure but I really like this. I think it was the flow that really drew me in. I really like the line, "He was dead without his poison." I'm not sure if this was what you were going for, but it reminded me of my friend before he kicked drugs. The dead without his poison line really struck me because of that. Also the whole second verse is written very well. It sounds like what we all say but what few actually believe. Anyways not much else to say but here is one of my newest pieces: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=993850
#3
Quote by vintage x metal
He was a waterfall.
His thoughts kissed more passionately
Than any Hendrix song, no matter how long
And when we toked, the red in his eyes
Only made the blues and greens more like stars.
We were connected. I don't like the transition from the modernity of smoking and referencing Hendrix to the romantic cliche of stars and "we were connected". You jumped between them too quickly, IMO.
Ripping his voicebox away from my ear
Was so hard to do, because you can't help but
Talk to yourself.

Love the last 3 lines.

He would always talk of death like it was something proportional to life
That if you really, really lived, you died early
And the more beautiful your art, the harder the blow
So dying early was his thing
And that he did.

Great, nothing to criticise here.

Within a month he died in a vial
His mind disintegrated in acid while
Rhyme for two lines then ditch it? Why?
Colors and subtance shot out of him when he took a hit
And they never came back for later.
He finally danced and touched and flew Switch danced and touched around. It just sounds better.
And left his former, timid shell
To become a god of thunder -
But the rain was always tainted..
He was dead without his poison. Nice little irony here.

And so the ghost still haunts me
We'll have lunch and go on walks
And he raves about his occasional living form. This line flows poorly.
I'll try to look him in the eye but
All I see is the back of his skull
Liked those 2.
'When did your substance fade?'
'I like myself now. I reincarnate myself into something I love.'

Love and ecstasy are two different things -
He's too rich in mind to give in to a fantasy world
But alas, there's no such thing as ghosts and
Hoaxes can go hand in hand - Loved that bit
In the meantime, I don't mind looking through him.
He walks in purgatory til he can get the next hit
I'll be waiting when he wants something genuine. This line feels a little out of place in its plainness. I mean, it concludes everything well, you've just put a lot more into everything leading up to it.

It feels good to have the earth under your feet. Nice line but it's as though you put it there simply for the sake of a stronger ending.


I loved it, despite how my crit may look. It was perhaps overly harsh, but this is great, Saadia. C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=993470
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

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#4
^ I agree totally. There were parts of this that seemed to me like you'd just thrown in a line or two just to fill space, or to make it look strong or wordier. I don't know. I think it needs a little trimming. There are some really good parts in this, but they are let down by the amount of weak points. I can't add anything to the previous posts, except that this has a lot of
potential
#5
^ Will take into note. Every line in there holds purpose though..

BigD, this is about my friend's substance use, so the connection is no accident. I'm glad you could relate.

Thanks Jon, not overly harsh at all.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#6
apart from a few cliche lines, which really aren't worth the time mentioning, i dug this.

the tone you assimilate seems very genuine.
i love genuine writing.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
It is very genuine, like our main man up there said.

I just wasn't real keen on what seemed to be mad amounts of clashing imagery. That may or may not be just my taste in writing. That was my only beef with this.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#8
I think this is crackin' stuff. I'm really beginning to delve into your writing style, I'm lovin' it!

This is one of those pieces that has such character and charisma that the 'mistakes' and off beat lines actually find themselves adding to the atmosphere and run-down emotions. It just paints a picture. Just because he used a brown-y pink for his sky, doesn't mean it's not a sky.
#9
nice read
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