#1
I've slit my wrists
to fill the circle of blood.
To perpetuate
a cycle of trust
that depends on your arms-
heavy as they are-
to care.
All I have are these
worthless, clumsy legs
that you never gave two shits about
who they carried.
Like a puppy, they try
looking up, doe-eyed
but can never be human.

I am a slave in a white mans world.
I am the blood the circle is made of.
Men without ideals,
nerve endings that must be fed.
A neccessary loss.

My flesh will go to Satan.
He draws on it with a magik marker.
where to strike, what nodes to lick.
They are the screws for turning,
ripping a hole in my flesh.


Burned out at the end of this. I'm fully confident that it will suck to a certain degree. I'm very sorry for not returning crits properly. Please let me know if I owe you, either in the thread or by PM.
#2
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
I've slit my wrists
to fill the circle of blood.
To perpetuate
a cycle of trust
that depends on your arms-
heavy as they are-
to care. You lost me from the first line. This is pretty much boring emo drivel, neither original, nor clever.
All I have are these
worthless, clumsy legs
that you never gave two shits about
who they carried. The grammar here is really bad which makes it ahrd to read
Like a puppy, they try
looking up, doe-eyed
but can never be human. you say they try to be like a puppy, then say they'll never be human? this is contradictory and confusing

I am a slave in a white mans world.
I am the blood the circle is made of. both these lines didn't work as well as they should. I'ev heard both before, especially the first one
Men without ideals,
nerve endings that must be fed.
A neccessary loss. Still nothing grabbing at me, though the images are a little better

My flesh will go to Satan.
He draws on it with a magik marker. The only interesting part so far, just cause it appeals to my dark sense of humour
where to strike, what nodes to lick.
They are the screws for turning,
ripping a hole in my flesh. The ending is really weak


Wow, finally a piece of yours i can actually crit properly. As I said, nothign about this really grabbed me at all. I felt like I'd ehard it before, hated it before, and now was watching the same rerun for the millionth time and wishing i didn't spend so much ****ing money just to by all these extra channels full of replayed shit, if you catch my drift. This either needs to be completely re-written, or dropped. It's hard to find a strong or original idea in here at all. This seemed to be saying the same thing over and over again,t hen going in a completely different direction, then sort of flailing about like an epeleptic. Hopefully this helps a bit, sorry to be so harsh.
#3
I liked one image throughout this, the magik marker. Everything else reeked of unpoetic angst filled with standard angsty images. I hate to be brash and call someone on angst, as I've been there and done that... but you are capable of infinitely more than this. When I read the "slit my wrist image" I cringed. When I read the "cycle of trust" in relation to "blood" I had to click away from this for a minute. I know you write better than this, I've read it.

That's really all I've got. You know what I mean I do believe.

Still look forward to reading the next one.

-zC
#4
The harshness is appreciated. Crits will be returned (zach, i'll get the next piece you post up). Much of my life reeks of the normal teenage bullshit, so I guess this comes as no surprise to me.