#1
This is the first piece of my personal material I will post. With the new President of the United States slogan being "change", I guess this piece seems appropriate.

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The clock is tickin


This is a chance for a fresh start at life
time to make some changes, to make things right
I wonder to myself, "how many people have used that line"
and, "how many were truthful? How many were lying?"

I've decided to do something and try
I've realized I will only live one life
I want to rest easy as I close my eyes at night
knowing I've rearranged the outcome of my life

Nobody is perfect, we've all made our own mistakes
some call it destiny or fate, I suppose another human trait
so many have deceived and lied, you could fill a lake
with the tears of the heartbroken, bitten by the snakes

I want to see clearly, my vision and insight
time for a decision, not the wrong make the right
take what I have left, given to me in this life
I choose not violence, but I'll put up a fight

Time to understand, picture a better world -envision
I can only suggest, and thats just if you will listen
everyone must make a choice, one by one rhythmic decisions

(tick-tock the clock is tickin)

this is your life and mine, we can change the world that we live in

The cloth may be torn, but it holds on by the fringes
rips can be sewn, lives can be forgiven
remember this life and universe, for us it was given
to all of us earth is home, not just a planet we live in

(tick-tock the clock is tickin)

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I'm still unsure about the title. Any suggestions would be nice.
"yeah, well, you know...


that's just like... your opinion man."


-The Dude, His Dudeness
Last edited by daniel c b at Nov 6, 2008,
#2
i didn't care much for this.

the thoughts are all fine, but that's all they are - just thoughts.
... you could fill a lake
with the tears of the heartbroken, bitten by the snakes

that's one of the few images you painted.
it isn't great, but it's something.

the rest are ideas stated straight-up.
the words don't have strong sonic qualities.
and they don't have a strong rhythm or meter.
there are no fresh phrases to draw the reader/listener in.

the title and the parentheticals (tick-tock the clock is tickin)
suggest that time is something to be dealt with
but the rest of it is static.
it doesn't show a sense of urgency.

i think you'll be better off, one way or the other.
either rid yourself of those.
or make sweeping changes in the piece, so show the urgency.

and maybe say less, but spend more time saying it a colourful way.


this isn't awful. it's just plain.
Meadows
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