#1
Hey there guys, I'm totally new to this forum but I'd really appreciate it if you'd tear my work apart. Haha seriously though, I just want it so sound better so if you have any critiques, suggestions or comments, that'd be great. If not, thanks for reading :]

This first one is called Traumatica. It is supposed to be full band/electric, but since my band has yet to record it with me I can only do a single layer recording with my acoustic guitar haha. If anyone is interested in hearing it, I'll post my band myspace up here later.

Traumatica

Sound the alarms, the roads killed a king tonight
When playing with fire, you'll often burn your hands
Your drunken and driving hands

I'm told the angels are happy in heaven, but honest to God
I'm sure we're ill equipped and maladjusted

So what'd you say when you heard that
Everything was crumbling down
And I say the good die young because
They were born lucky and they cut the crowd

The more I think the less I understand
How could this shell of a man be friend?
Is this the arrow you shot
Lying cold, and dead, and flawless on the ground

Its not done yet, but I want to see what people think of the lyrics so far. Thanks :]
#2
Quote by Supahhdann32


Traumatica
nice title, interesting, new, different. main reasons i chose to crit this.

Sound the alarms, the road's killed a king tonight
When playing with fire, you'll often burn your hands
Your drunken and driving hands
the first two lines were very good, but the third didnt seem to flow on. i suggest changing the word driving. it didnt really work for me.

I'm told the angels are happy in heaven, but honest to God
I'm sure we're ill equipped and maladjusted
nice ideas, but maladjusted wasnt very nice to read. ive never heard it before, and it didnt feel "right"

So what'd you say when you heard that
Everything was crumbling down
And I say the good die young because
They were born lucky and they cut the crowd
how can you die young, when you are lucky? a bit conflicting there L3+4
apart from that good ideas.


The more I think the less I understand
How could this shell of a man be friend?
Is this the arrow you shot
Lying cold, and dead, and flawless on the ground
dead and flawless? try:

Is this the flawless arrow you shot
Lying cold and dead on the ground?

remember the ? after a question...



Its not done yet, but I want to see what people think of the lyrics so far.
i dont usually crit unfisnished pieces, so when you fnish it, post it up here and pm me. ill give it another go through.



Last edited by ginjaninja at Dec 9, 2008,
#3
Hey thanks for giving it a run down, I'll definitely finish it up asap. And if you are interested in hearing it, go to www.myspace.com/dannylovesyoumore. I have another unfinished song up there that you can check out as well, but they both have to be re-recorded.

In the first stanza, the drunken and driving hands part, I totally agree. I kinda just threw that together because I couldn't think up anything more clever. I'll keep trying, but if you have any ideas for what could go there I'd really appreciate it. As far as maladjusted goes, I think it works better when sung, but I'll let you make that decision.

The "dying and being lucky" part is a pessimistic view that I had when the accident occurred; It's better to die young than to live a long cruel life. In a sense, it was optimistic because I was glad that he wouldn't have to live any more. It was just a spur of the moment, angry at the world view. I was hoping to justify his death and say that he was somehow in a better place, even if he's gone. Finally, the dead and flawless compliments that idea, saying that he was perfect in death. Not at all that I wanted him to die, but now that he was dead, no one would look at him for the things he did wrong. In a sense, we'll remember all the great things about him. Maybe a lot to infer out of a few words, but you get the idea I hope.
Last edited by Supahhdann32 at Nov 6, 2008,
#4
hey man, i like all of it except the first stanza. Think of a few new ways to say that and i'm sure you'll come up with something better. aside from that i really like everything you said and i wouldnt change the last line. and i wouldn't change maladjusted. i like it. best of luck.