#1
This is a song in 12/8, all it is is the NOTES E, G, B, B the whole time. Not much too it.


Cantations avast
I daresay, i'll bring you back
Take thick, fickle steps
To break my neck


Tear me down
Tear me down
Tear me down
Tear me down


Remember remember the 5th of November
The night that it all came to pass
You're hazel green eyes are my terminal cancer
and it eats me alive 'till i'm dead

You're sweet deadly gaze mounts a marching parade
where it stops and it starts and it stops
the percussion and banjos make listening in
more a chance than a luck in a pot


Tear me down
Tear me down
Tear me down
Tear me down


probably more to come, C4C on what i have so far
#2
Quote by JakdOnCrack
Cantations avast
I daresay, i'll bring you back
Take thick, fickle steps
To break my neck

Avast doesn't seem to fit in that well, but maybe because I've only ever heard it said by pirates. Also, compared to the rest, this is extremely wordy. You suddenly drop this tone for one created with much simpler language. Is there a reason?

Tear me down
Tear me down
Tear me down
Tear me down

Repeat it twice. 4 times seems like overkill, especially for a rather bland line.

Remember remember the 5th of November
The night that it all came to pass
You're hazel green eyes are my terminal cancer
and it eats me alive 'till i'm dead

Your, not "you're". The cancer thing has been a little overdone, and since you do nothing new with it then drop the metaphor after one line, I'd say it's unnecessary.

You're sweet deadly gaze mounts a marching parade
where it stops and it starts and it stops
the percussion and banjos make listening in
more a chance than a luck in a pot

Your=possessive
You're=you are

This stanza lacked something too. It wasn't bad, but I didn't take much from it. The last line doesn't make sense to me. Could be my fault, but then again you can't have "a luck".



The whole thing feels a little empty. I know you're going to add to it, so that's not necessarily a problem, but you jump between ideas and that creates inconsistency. You'd do better to focus on a few key points.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=993470
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


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#3
Quote by break-me-in
The whole thing feels a little empty. I know you're going to add to it, so that's not necessarily a problem, but you jump between ideas and that creates inconsistency. You'd do better to focus on a few key points.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=993470


Yeah, it's a rough bit i'm working on. I wrote it this morning after my girlfriend sprung the surprise that she's leaving me last night. Excuse the grammatical errors, i'm on auto-pilot right now. Inconsistency was a motif of our relationship, so it kind of fits