#1
C4C (leave link)

[Autumn Comp piece]


She hitchhiked a walk with me through ember fields
with her thumb on the call button;
I estranged, since we didn’t talk for a while
and we’d probably have nothing to say,
like a casual encounter with someone we know
but barely not enough.
The common “what’s up?” on the street
without slowing the pace.

I took her to a place I’ve never been before;
a small paradise unknown to many, I presumed.
I remember passing by while driving to
somewhere I don’t recall.
I thought of Louise instantly,
but she OD’d from depression...
So, I took this situation to clear my mind:
a breeze; a breath of fresh air;
a boredom break.

We arrived, and what once was a sprout of life
was now like slow death; a torture to sight.
The path cracked by each step we took;
dry leaves were leaching strength
and the view was undressing to passivity.
Little fires started sparking here and there;
soon it will be overflamed
just like Louise…

The hand I was holding was aging to decomposition;
the touch was no longer smooth,
her pulsation sensitive.
She was dying on the way.
The sky was clouding, from cyan to pink;
from innocence to flames.

I kneeled down for a moment
while a whirlwind of new born leaves
hugged me. My bubble; my escape rope
out of a world where nothing kept its way.

I looked at her, already a statue
eaten by the landscape; diminished to lifelessness.

I miss Louise, not some petals incinerating;
I miss yesterdays’ blooms...
#2
JUst quickly posting here so i don't forget to come back. You lost me with this one, more than usual, there were a lot of things that I didn't like. I'll re-read it and crit it properly when I'm more alert.
#4
No! You have every reason to be proud of this one! I really liked it the first time I read it, when you sent it to me (I didn't reply because I totally forgot to) and I still really like it now.
I also might give a proper critique of this, although, I don't enjoy going through a piece and nit-picking it like I used to. It just doesn't seem right anymore.
It all felt disconnected from each other, but I think that suited the theme of the piece. To me it felt correct and appropriate to create disarray.
Sorry I don't have a whole lot to add.
#5
I agree with the needed sense of disarray that you added in there. I really liked this piece a lot. It was depressing, and moody but had wonderful imagery and a sort of story to it that I enjoyed. Great job man keep it up.

C4C....https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=991917
My Gear:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guitars:
Gibson Explorer, Worn Cherry-

Amps:
Fender Roc Pro 1000 - 1 x 12 Combo, 100 watts, Hybrid


Effects:
Blues Driver Keeley Modded
Last edited by deathforyouth at Nov 7, 2008,
#6
Sorry, seventh_angel, that wasn't what i meant when I said you lost me. This is a really good piece, it jsut went over my head. I think this is beyond my ability to fully understand. It's me, not you
#7
Quote by seventh_angel
C4C (leave link)

[Autumn Comp piece]


She hitchhiked a walk with me through ember fields
with her thumb on the call button;
I estranged i never knew estranged could be used like that, but it is beautiful. And I got to learn something new., since we didn’t talk for a while
and we’d probably have nothing to say,
like a casual encounter with someone we know
but barely not enough. The first time i read this line, i hated it. Now, tis starting to grow on me
The common “what’s up?” on the street
without slowing the pace.

I took her to a place I’ve never been before;
a small paradise unknown to many, I presumed.
I remember passing by while driving to
somewhere I don’t recall.
I thought of Louise instantly,
but she OD’d from depression...
So, I took this situation to clear my mind:
a breeze; a breath of fresh air;
a boredom break.

We arrived, and what once was a sprout of life
was now like slow death; a torture to sight. Those two lines are brilliant
The path cracked by each step we took;
dry leaves were leaching strength
and the view was undressing to passivity.
Little fires started sparking here and there;
soon it will be overflamed
just like Louise…

The hand I was holding was aging to decomposition;
the touch was no longer smooth,
her pulsation sensitive.
She was dying on the way.
The sky was clouding, from cyan to pink;
from innocence to flames. This is one of my favourite stanzas. I still don't understand this (again, my fault, not yours) but this stanza is particularly beautiful

I kneeled down for a moment
while a whirlwind of new born leaves
hugged me. My bubble; my escape rope
out of a world where nothing kept its way.

I looked at her, already a statue
eaten by the landscape; diminished to lifelessness.

I miss Louise, not some petals incinerating;
I miss yesterdays’ blooms...


Just had to make a few comments for you, i know its not much. I can understand this gist of this now after re-reading it a few times. This is a very powerful and poignant piece, even if i'm too stupid to fully comprehend it. Oh well...There are some parts in here that dno't feel as good as the rest, but its offset by the overall piece. Sorry I can't offer you much. Hopefully Zach or someone will come and give you a hand