#1
This is the title track off my new album. It's a cynical attack at american politics basically. I wrote the whhole thing in about a minute or two, scribbled in a cheap notepad just before i ran out the door, so maybe it's not perfect. Anyway, let me know what you think. C4C as always.

City’s On Fire

Excuse me, Mr. President,
I’ve got this here list of grievances
and I think you should see
it won’t take but a minute of your time.
You see, we’ve got a lot of problems in the world,
but I know you’ve got some vision problems,
so I’ll point them out to you,
cause that’s the kind of person that I am
take a look outside, sir, it’s easy to see
the city’s on fire

If you didn’t know better
you’d swear that the Devil had opened up the Gates of Hell
and let the demons out to roam
Like Nero of Rome you just sit there,
high up in your throne
as they set
the city on fire

We were running low on oil
so we had to attack
and, no offense, sir, but you saw what came from that
Not to talk down to you, sir,
but don’t you know that oil just
fuels the fire?
city’s on fire

And last but not least, sir,
there’s a lot of hunger in the world
not for greed or war or money
but for life
I’m sorry to have interrupted but I
I just thought you’d like to know that
the world’s on fire

Oh, one last thing, sir,
before you throw me out the door…
How about you get off you high horse,
stop being such a tool
and for god sake, can I stop calling you sir?

Sir?
Last edited by kdownes at Nov 8, 2008,
#2
i like the idea here a lot and i have to say i like pretty much all of this except for a few lines here and there.

'you’d swear that the Devil had opened up the Gates of Hell
and let the demons out to play
Just to see how much havoc they could cause in a day'

i thought this bit lacked a little mainly cause of the weak rhyme, it kind of brought what you were building up down. it lacked the conviction/emotion i think the rest of the piece seems to carry through out.

You see, we’ve got this little thing called poverty
and it’s a real bummer, sir,

this^ is probably my least favorite part of the whole piece, seems a bit too straight forward and is a little bit awkward.

as a whole i think this was pretty solid, you got what you needed to say said without being too over the top. nice work.
#3
yeah, i hate that line, but i couldn't come up with anything else that fits. THat "devil" bit is where the heavy guitars kick in, so the weaker lyrics are offset by the music. I just needed something there to kick in with the heavier guitars. The song is up on my profile if you want to listen
#4
Cities On Fire*
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Quote by T Man Prime
Ok everyone, who do you think is the heaviest band? Personally I think As I Lay Dying is the heaviest
#5
my god, you didn't actually just post that did you? You do understand that "City's On Fire" is just a conjunction of "City IS On Fire"? The name of the song is City's On Fire, because it refers to ONE city, not many, otherwise i would ahve called it "Cities On Fire"
Last edited by kdownes at Nov 7, 2008,
#6
Well that's a lame ass title if you ask me. But to each his own I guess, as long as you're making music.

Cheers.
ADD MY -CORE BAND!
www.myspace.com/efakaz

GEARx
Ibanez RG2EX1
Peavey 5150 II
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ISP Decimator

Quote by T Man Prime
Ok everyone, who do you think is the heaviest band? Personally I think As I Lay Dying is the heaviest
#7
well, thank you for your opinion. Anything else "lame-ass" here? or did i jsut let you down on the title? cause the alst thing i want to do is be "lame ass"

EDIT: Retract that statement, that was very petty of me. God, I need to sleep, now i'm just in a bad mood
Last edited by kdownes at Nov 7, 2008,
#9
maybe it would, but it's too long. "City's On Fire" is short and snappy, and fits to the rhythm of the music. Try saying "City IS On Fire" fast, adn you'll see why I called it "City's On Fire"
#10
Eh, your song, do whatever the hell you want with it. It could be "Fire's On City" if you'd want.
#11
haha, well done, sir. I concede. That made me smile. Thank you for your comments, I do appreciate you offering your opinion, i'd just rather it was on the piece as a whole, not jsut the title.
#12
Quote by kdownes
haha, well done, sir. I concede. That made me smile. Thank you for your comments, I do appreciate you offering your opinion, i'd just rather it was on the piece as a whole, not jsut the title.


Yeah, sorry bro, I admit i'm a douchebag today. It's three in the morning, i'm ****ing tired, and I still haven't drank mountain dew OR played Gears of War 2.

No problem, I would give full criticism but I can't think straight due to the reasons above, pm me later if you really want my opinion.
#13
This is why I hate to see political pieces.

You (a writer who has a lot of potential and good ideas) are simply not yet well-equipped enough to take on something like this and not come across with the same flat and uninteresting points as every punk-band ever. Writing something politically charged without sounding like a broken record of angry poets past is something very few can do. This was unanimated and honestly, felt uninspired. I mean, there has to be inspiration for it to be written down... but it feels like your inspiration was simply to write something with the "hey man" kind of tone... and apply it to everything you are pissed about or see wrong with the world. You said nothing new, nothing interesting, and didn't even really put an original spin on old ideas. Nothing about this grabbed me save for the tone; which makes me feel like you wasted what could have been a really good feel for a piece (in the conversational style) on something that would have been better suited for some form of anger or at least some form of emotion in the tone instead of something calm.

My honest opinion: do this again in a year. I don't think you're ready for this yet. I know I'm still not and I've been writing semi-seriously for more than a year now. And when you do revisit this; don't be so front on about it... write about it in a way that doesn't scream your ideas.. otherwise it will be hard to take this any more seriously than Sid Vicious. There is a special tact needed for writing politically charge piece, and that tact will form in time. For now, I'd say you'll get a lot of praise from America haters and anarchists and idealists... and rightly so... but from a poetic standpoint, this just doesn't hold much water.

-zC
#14
^ +1
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#15
Thank's Zach, you've echoed my sentiments about this piece exactly. I figured I'd better give it a whirl here before i threw it away, just to see what people would ahve to say about it.
#16
I was waiting for a particular ending: you kept repeating "sir" and it had a childish angry tone to it which I am fond of reading, but you didn't end with it something of similar degree.

You could of wrote it like this:

"And last but not least, sir...
... I'd like retract my statement
and replace it with this:
please stop being a wanker, sir
please stop killing people, sir
and sir, please allow me to call you something other than sir."

I know it's really rough, but the idea just hit when I read this. You and everyone else could hate it, but I like reading something childishly funny and full of sarcastic anger.

Digitally Clean
#17
haha, wow, you know, that might work. I was worried about doing that though, worried i might go over the top and just look ridiculous
#20
idk, i guess i just don't feel like you are getting your points across in a creative enough way. the whole time i was thinking this is a song that would be sung by a nu-metal band or something, and that is not a good thing. this just seems like it has been done many times in the past, not only the topic, but the way it was attacked.
#24
Zach, would you stop reading my damn mind, it's getting creepy!

i'm just about ready to throw this away, but maybe that's just me
#25
I liked this. It made me smile. The cliches, which are inevitable, don't overly detract from the overall feeling that I had. Lyrics, poetry, writing is all about the overal sensation that you are finding in amongst the words. It's not whether there is this, or that, or the other, it's whether they all connect in a magical way that conjures certain emotions. And emotions are varying in degrees.
My brother won't admit that System of a Down has emotion because it's not all sad and groppy like Radiohead or Porcupine Tree. He is ignoring the whole spectrum of emotions: mainly humour; which is ripe in this.
Therefore, it's a very good piece. Much better with a more quirky ending - although you may find it difficult to allow this to flow with a melody. But, I guess that's up to you to solve.
#27
Well, I've posted a new version of the song on my profile now with the new lyrics. Have a listen to it before you read the lyrics, then while you read the lyrics, because while they might not work on the page, I'm more interested in whether or not it works within the song. Thanks everyone for their help so far
#28
Quote by kdownes

City’s On Fire

Excuse me, Mr. President,
I’ve got this here list of grievances
and I think you should see
it won’t take but a minute of your time.
ok, I'm having a hard time cathing the flow right on the beginning, so I'll probably just stick to this as a poem, not a song. The lack of rhyming doesn't help, but I have no problems with that
You see, we’ve got a lot of problems in the world,
but I know you’ve got some vision problems,
I don't like the repetition of problems in here, probably replace the first with torments or something like that, I dunno, I actually suck at trying to help in other pieces
so I’ll point them out to you,
cause that’s the kind of person that I am
take a look outside, sir, it’s easy to see
the city’s on fire
As I said before, this is far from the style I like to read, and this does not detach from other similar lyrics.

If you didn’t know better
you’d swear that the Devil had opened up the Gates of Hell
I like that part even though it may be a little cliché
and let the demons out to roam
Like Nero of Rome you just sit there,
^ This line reads awkwardly
high up in your throne
as they set
the city on fire
This stanza is an improvement. It's more fun to read and the imagery, although kind of "basic", does its job.

We were running low on oil
so we had to attack
and, no offense, sir, but you saw what came from that
Not to talk down to you, sir,
but don’t you know that oil just
fuels the fire?
city’s on fire
Best stanza so far, even though the reptition of fire sounds kinda meh...

And last but not least, sir,
there’s a lot of hunger in the world
not for greed or war or money
but for life
I’m sorry to have interrupted but I
I just thought you’d like to know that
the world’s on fire
This is getting better and better, I actually erased from my mind that these are the lyrics to a song though...

Oh, one last thing, sir,
before you throw me out the door…
How about you get off you high horse,
stop being such a tool
and for god sake, can I stop calling you sir?

Sir?
Maybe I'm in a bad humour toay but I didn't find that last line so funny, but everything before that is the best of all this piece...


So, I think this piece goes in a crescendo, I don't like the beginning but it just grows and grows... I fear it doesn't have such an impact and you'd probably wish, and I have my doubts at how it would work as a song, but I count on you...

Also, this is very different from the rest of your pieces, which I think that you're more comfortable on the other writing style. Nonetheless, this has some promising phases that are quite fun to read...

I don't know if I gave you any help but that's all I have to say. Thanks for that crit on mine