#1
Does anyone have any feedback for my poems? Be kind: I'm new at this.

Here they are:

Words of Hate

I sat there in the open, rain trickling down my cheeks,
As I realized that you were the cause of all my problems.
For I was not always an emotionless shell of a human being,
Devoid of all emotions.
I was once a person, with feelings and stupid problems much like yours.
Who to date, what to wear, what my grades in school were.
But now, inside me lies no fear, no happiness, no love.
Instead, I am just filled with overdoses of drugs, taken to ease my pain.
Deep inside, you know it was you who caused me to be this way.
And you could have prevented it too.
You could have let me down lightly, with words instead of venom.
But instead, there were two shots of hate, from a mouth as loud as a gun.
So now, I sit here, awaiting death’s cold embrace.
Waiting to fall into a deep, endless sleep.


A Pact With the Devil

It was a pact with the devil – signed in puffs of smoke,
emitted from the devil’s gift to me – a cigarette.
The cigarette envelopes you in a cloud of gray smoke.
You walk into this grey void, unaware of what lies ahead.
It sucks out all of your happiness, your youth, your strength.
And once your life is beyond repair,
The grey smoke will frigidly touch your ailing excuse for a body,
As your life flashes before your eyes.
Unlike many people, I walked into that unending void,
And lived to tell about it.
As I started walking into this cloud of nothing, unsure of what would happen, I decided to look back.
And as I turned, I was suddenly filled with newfound hope.
For I saw a shimmer of light.
It was not much, but in such a caliginous surrounding,
It was as clear as a full moon in the nighttime sky.
So I ran back to this shimmer of light.
And as the light became clearer and my margin of view wider,
I realized that my eyes had been obscured by the devil’s trickery.
I then threw the cigarette as far away as possible,
And lived a happy, fulfilling life.

The Cat is Waiting

Only those who have the ability to remain the same
At night as well as during the day,
Are subject to love or happiness.
For the burning orange and crimson of autumn,
Though quite visible by day,
Dwindles into a miserable black nothingness by night.
I, like the bright autumn leaves, smile and laugh during the day,
But by nightfall, these smiles and laughs are distorted into an endless frown.
Parties or other social gatherings are out of reach.
Because once entrapped in the unpenetrable veil that night places upon me,
Nothing will be able to escape or enter.
All that is left inside is misery, which circles around me like an angry storm.
I am in the eye of this storm, which though seemingly tranquil, everywhere around for miles is being assaulted by an unending barrage of misery.
Because of the surrounding area, I just lie there, completely still,
And fall into a deep death-like trance.
But I have not truly reached the comfort of death.
I have not yet allowed myself to be carried away to a carefree paradise.
But as the grains of sand in time’s unending hourglass
Slowly drop – one by one,
The cat in my mind continues to stalk its prey – me.
And once that cat decides that it is finally time to pounce,
There will be no stopping that gleaming blade that is always with me
From reaching its unprotected mark.
Gear:

St. Blues Bluesmaster IV
Vox AC4- ah-mazing lil amp
Roland Micro Cube- 1st amp... pretty crappy
a whole lotta picks

Am I the only one who has WON
THE GAME?

#3
was it good though?
Gear:

St. Blues Bluesmaster IV
Vox AC4- ah-mazing lil amp
Roland Micro Cube- 1st amp... pretty crappy
a whole lotta picks

Am I the only one who has WON
THE GAME?

#4
You turn 13 tomorrow?
None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free.
#5
Quote by Våd Hamster
Songwriting and lyrics forum methinks
This. ^

but READ THE RULES in the announcement at the top of the S&L forum before posting there.

this needs to be closed.


*reported*


...
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#6
response to niburu: yes but how did you know? is it on my profile?
Gear:

St. Blues Bluesmaster IV
Vox AC4- ah-mazing lil amp
Roland Micro Cube- 1st amp... pretty crappy
a whole lotta picks

Am I the only one who has WON
THE GAME?

#7
ugh no one has said anything about the poems yet! hehe
Gear:

St. Blues Bluesmaster IV
Vox AC4- ah-mazing lil amp
Roland Micro Cube- 1st amp... pretty crappy
a whole lotta picks

Am I the only one who has WON
THE GAME?

#8
oh crap! I'm sorry moderators! I forgot to read the rules!
Gear:

St. Blues Bluesmaster IV
Vox AC4- ah-mazing lil amp
Roland Micro Cube- 1st amp... pretty crappy
a whole lotta picks

Am I the only one who has WON
THE GAME?