#1
Spit

Cartilage slaves over sandpaper joints,
searching for the umbrella Jesus
left for us on the day he died,
something he believed we might
bring out with us on a rainy day.
God also thought it fitting -
even though he had no reason to -
to allow our hair to become
wet in the downfall while
keeping our heads dry.

Pointless?

At the time, it was.
now it's indispensable.

They both look down on me,
but I know they're really looking up.
They notice how people
spit on me when I'm on fire.
They're not the only ones who
understand the principle.
But still, it's not easy to
see why I cherish it:

Where would I be without the
bastards slanging me?
Bringing out the worst in me,
pointing out my failings
just so I would know where
not to look.

I guess it did make me a nervous wreck,
but haven't we all found wonderful
bargains in that trash can of a head?

Once down, you see,
I knew roughly where to build,
when before, I was
Laurel and Hardy on a
construction site with a 200 foot crane
and 500 tonnes of concrete,
without a hard hat.



Digitally Clean
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Nov 8, 2008,
#2
They both look down on me
(but I know they're really looking up)
They notice how people
spit on me when I'm on fire.
They're not the only ones who
understand the principle.
But still, it's not easy to
see why I cherish it:


I really enjoyed that. Although I felt as though most of the piece got tangled up in itself, there were moments of clarity which really jumped out. Sand paper joints, lovely.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#3
^ I agree entirely. I might come back later and give you a full crit, just wanted to say that I enjoyed this, but not as much as usual
#4
K, unlike our associates, the first line was disgusting.

Secondly, get rid of the parentheses. They take so much away, but give so much back if they were gone.

Last stanza was a drop off, the rest of it was so solid, and this barely stands on its feet.

Other than that, one of the most solid works I've seen from you yet.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
I thought the was you discribed this was what made me like about it. It's true, straightforward where it needs to be and as metaphorical as it should be.

"Where would I be without the
bastards slanging me?
Bringing out the worst in me,
pointing out my failings
just so I would know where
not to look." ------------------------- This stanza was so great !

I don't know what to point more, or tell you something to change. I really liked this, one of the best from you lately.
#7
Quote by culex-knight
one of the most solid works I've seen from you yet.
+1 bazzillion.

this was good Dan.
it seems like you're churning out a lot of good stuff here lately.
i lie in patience for you next.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
Why is it called Spit?
Quote by NGD1313
Well I don't know about solos but how about that Smoke on the Water riff. It's like...impossible.


THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE

I'm Jake. I'm a musician, philosopher, and exhibitionist.
#9
Put the last line in the stanza, there's no reason for it to be outside it, i think.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#10
Quote by Jacob6293
Why is it called Spit?

It's called 'Spit' because it's basically about how I believe it's important to have friends that are not afraid to bring you down a peg, as long they understand what they are doing.
What I'm saying is, if no one had ever criticized me when I was growing up, I would become a person who someone would not be able to cherish; maybe cocky, maybe overly secure, maybe a total failure because no one had ever punished me or directed me in the right paths.
Everyone needs a friend who is not afraid to be honest and tell you what you need to do in your life. But, at the same time, spitting can be overly hurtful, which is something I touch on as well. Balance, I wanted to create a feeling of balance.

EDIT: Thank you all very very much.
#11
Some good observations you make in these lyrics.

God also thought it fitting -
even though he had no reason to -
to allow our hair to become
wet in the downfall while
keeping our heads dry.

Pointless?

At the time, it was.
now it's indispensable.

Some pretty deep stuff. I give it a 9.

The only thing I didn't seem to like was the ending. I mean it works, but it just feels like something better can replace those last three lines.

Favorite line of the song:

I guess it did make me a nervous wreck,
but haven't we all found wonderful
bargains in that trash can of a head?
#12
Much less ambiguous than your normal pieces, and I state that as neither a good nor a bad thing, just an observation. This was good.

Small thing: I would remove the 'to' in "even though he had no reason to". That's all I got for ya.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#13
I've read this at least ten times, really wishing I could get in to it, but I can't.

I don't know, it feels like I should. Flow wise, structure wise, it's pretty much flawless. But I can't connect.

So just a note since I probably owe you a million crits: I'll get to your next.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#14
I connected with the sentiment and hte tone... but I felt like the words just really let me down. They were like a wall in the way of me feeling it truly. I don't know, I just couldn't find myself in anything but the idea and the voice... the actual wordings and what not left me wondering and insecure about my place in this piece.
#15
Scrap what I said, I said wrong. Zach summed it up.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#16
You're so ambiguous when you critique my stuff, I often find it difficult to fully grasp what it is I need to watch out for on the next time round.

Thanks though Zach, and Jake and Katherine too.
#17
The words you used overtook what it was you were trying to convey for me. By the end of it I'd taken in some absolutely wonderful imagery and recognised a great tone, but not had time to piece it together and connect it with my life. It was the kind of thing you digest and it makes you smile, but you're not exactly sure what it's telling you.

Too ambiguous? Sorry.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#18
I like the idea of what you were writing about, I enjoyed the writing as well. What I didn't enjoy was it's lack of description. You wrote in depth about something vague, which bothers me. It just doesn't seem very plausable that anyone would write so much about nothing. So, my hope is that there was a particular situation that drew out this writing. If so, I'd like to see some hints toward whatever that is.

I also found the last stanza came too quickly.


-Jake

Mine is in my signature.