#1
Not sure. You tell me. Crit for Crit.


My most precious thoughts have not been read or written, but vacuumed tightly in my fingers; aching to breathe at the stroke of every key. For old dreams I've made investments too tidy to die. Yet, to say it all would mean to sacrifice consollation, for a desperate fairytale. I choose to be confined a happy liar; betting on some pair of eyes, than a truthful man whose day has come and gone.
Last edited by clichealias at Nov 8, 2008,
#2
i really like the first two sentences here, then the rest kind of gets into the territory of average. possibly try expanding off of the start in a different way and see where it goes from there?
#4
i think the first two sentences would work as one, at least thats what my "GRAMMER ALERT" brain is telling me, eg as:


My most precious thoughts have not been read or written, but vacuumed tightly in my fingers; aching to breathe at the stroke of every key.


notes typos: vacuumed not vaccumed and fingers not fingers

also tense change, intentional? I chose to be instead of choose?


apart from that, very good, i like how open it was to interpretation, you dont get that often here.
#6
Hmm, I like it. But I agree with ginjaninja, the first two lines are the best... Mine's in my sig
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[thread="985311"]A Love/Hate Relationship[/thread]
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#7
I like the premise, and i love the first two lines. THis just needs a little room to breath and a bit of character. Give it a little sparkle and here, and some clour there, and you'll have a really good piece. Links in my sig if you wanna give 'em a once over
#8
kdownes has my thoughts outlined well; this piece needs space. It just doesn't feel lenghtly enough or congregated well.
You have some smashing ideas here that were just a little waisted. That's harsh, I know, but I do feel genuine about what I am saying.

- "For old dreams I've made investments too tidy to die. Yet, to say it all would mean to sacrifice consollation, for a desperate fairytale." - For a short piece, I didn't like a third of it. The wording here was annoying and to be honest, the wordy termanology and relatively complicated analogies (the ones I gathered, anyway) were all too forced. It almost read like a clash between honest, humbling, thought provoking ramblings and a bloody thesuarus. Ramblings should be contained, but not by the roots of a book like a Dictionary. I know that what I just described could well be entirely innacurate, but it is the way I read it to be.

Digitally Clean
#9
Concept is fantastic, and your first line is gold. The rest needs to breathe a bit. It's saying a lot, and a little space would give it more room to be understood.
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#10
This all felt robotic and tight. There was no personality... it was simply and idea on a page. Pretty decent image in the first line (fingers thing) but the rest simply was on the page. It solicited nothing from me. I didn't care that I read it, nor will I in the near future. Let yourself shine through in the delivery as well as the idea; it will make this much more readable and favorful. As it is, its writing... but its sort of the white rice of writing... it is sustenance; but nothing to write home about. Just needs some seasoning to make the idea really pop out and bite me.

Thanks for getting to mine,

-zC