#1
Wrote this in the last few days.
*=dont like the word
Criticism good/constructive much appreicated

**EDIT: scroll down to post #7 for the newer 'version'

Berlin

Graffitied wall;
3 metres thick
We hear the sound of rifles click*
Crosshairs trained on us
And border guards on red-alert
In cars we’re smuggled to the other side
Beyond this great concrete divide
A scar across this world of ours
(as comforting as iron bars)

Twenty years of marriage
Torn part
My father gone
Because of the power that you wanted

‘For what?’ We demand answers to everything
Why we have been landed in the East and not the West
Like a sword this wall cuts through my life
The edges though are not clean
Like a nightmare come to life,
It is better left unseen

Overcast skies reflected in the pools of murky water
Along grey streets we walk,*
Stumble through the wealthy quarter
A haunting mist descends into the allies,
Spilling out into the streets
Pulling with it insalubrious reputation

This fog perforated only by the flickering bulbs
In the ancient streetlights guarding the roads,
Leading the way

‘To what?’ We demand answers to everything
Why we have been landed in the East and not the West
Like a sword this wall cuts through my life
The edges though are not clean
Like a nightmare come to life,
It is better left unseen



I am currently working on the bridge so i'll add that in when I have an idea of it
It will most likely show the 'other side' to the second verse
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

Last edited by jon93971 at Nov 28, 2008,
#2
why are you writing about the berlin wall
Gear:
Fender MIA Strat w/EMG SA's
Fender Super 60
Boss RT-20 Rotary Sim
Ibanez AD-9 Analog Delay
EHX Big Muff

"Doctor Kindly Tell Your Wife
That I'm Alive, Flowers Thrive
Realise, Realise, Realise"
#3
why not?
shows division and how one country can have two completely different sides to it
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

#4
Well I like the fact that you're writing about the Berlin Wall Thank god it was knocked down.

The only things that bug me is the sword simile (which you have noted might be changed) and the the first verse. If I were you, I would rewrite the first verse, but it's okay as is. Nice work.
#5
Quote by MissyxMorphine
The only things that bug me is the sword simile (which you have noted might be changed) and the the first verse. If I were you, I would rewrite the first verse, but it's okay as is. Nice work.

what exactly needs changing in the first verse?
words? structure? what it's about?
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

Last edited by jon93971 at Nov 7, 2008,
#6
Quote by jon93971
what exactly needs changing in the first verse?
words? structure? what it's about?


Sorry for not elaborating hehe. The structure's good, just your choice of words

Graffitied wall;
3 metres thick
We hear the sound of rifles click

I would reword that. I would also change the placing of:
A scar across this world of ours
(as comforting as iron bars)

I love the choice of words there, but I feel it doesn't flow with the rest of the verse because of where it's placed.
#7
ah I got you now.
thanks

Verse 2 rewritten.

Berlin

In cars we are smuggled to the other side,
Beyond this great concrete divide
A plan waiting to fail at any given moment
A scar across this world of ours,
As comforting as iron bars
Crosshairs trained on us
And border guards on red alert

Twenty years of marriage
Torn part,
My father gone
Because of the power that you wanted

‘For what?’ We demand answers to everything
Why we deserve false hope and insecurity
Like love it tears straight through my life
The edges though are not clean
Like a nightmare become reality,
It is better left unseen


A world painted in black and grey
Where night runs through into the day
Corridor streets and closed up doors,
How many left? No one knows
Reputations on the line,
Shove them over no one gives a damn.
Bread and water is all that we ask

(Alleys)
Infested with rats and Soviet corruption
Where leaders compete for political destruction

‘To what?’ We demand answers to everything
Why we deserve false hope and insecurity
Like love it tears straight through my life
The edges though are not clean
Like a nightmare become reality,
It is better left unseen


We dream of,

A place where life is fueled by these internal fires
Not salvaged doors and
Not salvaged chairs set alight
False hope is burning through,
It’s filling every vein,
Pumped around by these hearts that long to climb the wall
Risk the machine-gun fire,
Cold nights spent lying alone,
Bullets lodged in your chest,
Spotlights for company
Night to day
Cold to warm
Grey to colour
East to West
So close
Yet so different
Let’s walk West along boulevards paved with gold
It is only the sun
But to us it is real and precious
Our children will live this,
We are the generation lost.
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

Last edited by jon93971 at Jan 1, 2009,
#8
"Overcast skies reflected in the pools of murky water
Along grey streets we walk,*
Stumble through the wealthy quarter
A haunting mist descends into the allies,
Spilling out into the streets
Pulling with it insalubrious reputation"

I'm not really liking this verse. To me, it just seems a little too wordy and complex. Maybe just use a few shorter words instead of one long one in places.

The rest, though, is terrific. I especially liked the bridge/outro. Is this song at all personal, or is it just a recount of history?
Quote by Cathbard
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#9
Quote by shadow__666
I'm not really liking this verse. To me, it just seems a little too wordy and complex. Maybe just use a few shorter words instead of one long one in places.

The rest, though, is terrific. I especially liked the bridge/outro. Is this song at all personal, or is it just a recount of history?

Thanks for the input
I'm not so keen on that verse myself
It's not personal as in I or my family have 'connections' with the wall, but I do feel that it was a terrible thing to be built. So it's personal in that sense. If you get me??
Does it sound personal at all? just curious
thanks anyway, I'll have a look at some more of your stuff soon

EDIT: see two posts up for revised verse
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

Last edited by jon93971 at Nov 28, 2008,
#10
Dude, it does sound personal! I read both versions now and I like the second one much better than the first one. Fluently written and great choice of words. The last stanza is my favourite one. Good job I'd say.
It's incredible that you were able to write it that way since your American I guess?
I'm german and couldn't have done it this way. Very nice!
#11
Thanks a lot!
Actually I'm English but nevermind
cheers.

I'll get round to having a look at some more of your stuff sometime
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

#12
Quote by enemy120
why are you writing about the berlin wall


Why are you asking? And, why not?!

Great poem, the opening line was great.
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