#1
I think I'm up to date on c4c, if not Pm me. c4c.


I'm starting to find it hard to stand up each morning
and call myself a man.
Climb in the shower and wash off last night's indecision
while jigsawing my spirit back together (after watching my
friends apply just enough pressure to collapse it.)

The shower is a place of healing.
Like putting on a new face for the day at hand.
Its pure.
Standing under warm water;
cleansing all facets of me.

I still piss in the shower like a little boy;
it doesn't really help me feel more manly.
#2
the 'every' that you have in brackets is really already implied.
I don't get why the things that are in brackets are in brackets.

It's interesting that you have to stand up to use a shower.

I didn't like the second stanza.

Why is the water in your shower lukewarm? Do you have faulty plumbing?*
I don't like the word facet, partly because of the numerous meanings (one of which is part of the body) of the word which confuses the idea, for me. Also because it's very ... I can't think of the word, but it simply doesn't seem to apply to the physical body which makes the physical/metaphorical cleansing seem odd... or not quite work. You get facets of personalities not bodies.
'like putting on a new face for the day at hand' is obviously a cliche but you didn't seem to really be doing anything with it, you were just using a cliche (unless I missed it)

When you come in with 'purifying' your penis (this kind of relates to facets as well) it seems like you're half-way into an extended metaphor but not fully commiting and you've ended up on either side. Obviously the shower is MORE than a shower, you call it 'a place of healing' (the whole second stanza basically) then you give us the physical reality of a shower in the third which is ok... and then you break out of it again by saying purifying. No one 'purifies' in a shower and I think that if you're going to start that bit of realism about pissing in the shower you should continue on then stop. Then use any more directly flighty ideas that you want.

*Another example of this, I think. If you want us to think that, I understand it... but it comes across to me that the water is actually lukewarm which again breaks the realism in an unnatural way, if you see what I mean.

I liked bits of it, I didn't like others. Liked stanza three the best.


A lot of this is probably rubbish, but if any of it's useul, good-o!

If you want to kill my poem then heeeeere it is. https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=991393
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#3
Before I start, I have to say that I really like your piece and really connected with it so if I say something like "I just like it" it's because I can connect with it.

Quote by ZanasCross
I think I'm up to date on c4c, if not Pm me. c4c.


I'm starting to find it hard to stand up each morning
and call myself a man.
Climb in the shower and wash off last (every) night's indecision
while jigsawing my spirit back together (after watching my
friends apply just enough pressure to collapse it.)

The ending of this is brilliant, in brackets, like an afterthought. The "every" is a little bit off putting though. I like the idea of Jigsawing your spirit too.

The shower is a place of healing.
Like putting on a new face for the day at hand.
Its pure.
Standing under lukewarm water;
cleansing all facets of me.

Ok, I don't like the lukewarm idea. Lukewarm doesn't lead to healing, it leads to complacency (in my head anyway). If the water's not hot enough to hurt then you're not doing it properly. Secondly, I liked how you used Facets, it's close spelling to Faucets and their relation to a shower made it seem like the perfect word.

I still piss in the shower like a little boy;
it doesn't really help me feel more manly.
After pissing, I purify my penis
and remember that I have less of a backbone than he does.
At least part of me knows what I want.
He reminds me I can call myself a man
(though, just in the brain that most people discredit as primal).


The last two lines at the end, they're annoying. I like what you're trying to say, but does your penis really make you feel like a man. The primal force we fight every day is pretty much the only thing that makes me feel like an animal. I odn't know, I like your point, I like your idea, but I don't like the way you summed it up.


Apart from that, well done
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#4
The first two stanzas were plagued by filler. The first two lines of each stanza were the only ones worth keeping, I think. Though the idea is fine, it was just so lackluster.

EDIT CUZ IT POSTED WITHOUT ME:
The last line is worded a bit long. Dumb it down fer ye stoopid folk like myself. Something about "discredit" makes it annoying.
#5
you've got this mold of intellectual introspection putting a damper on the effect your writing has the potential of creating.
it just...seems like you keep circumventing simplicity like it's a plague.

these ideas you have are golden, bro. don't let the cognition of textbook perception overbear your writing's opportunity to implement these ideas in a more simplistically effective tone.

and that's all i have.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
I feel your brain and not your soul. This is well-written and doesn't make me feel anything.
Sorry. =/
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#7
^ Both of them are right. It felt like a robot was telling the story. Even the symbolisms and metaphors that you had felt like it was said for the sake of moving the story along.
#9
^ +1

I'm not going to say my reasoning because it's impossible for me to phrase it without it becoming some innuendo.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#11
Quote by ZanasCross
I think I'm up to date on c4c, if not Pm me. c4c.


I'm starting to find it hard to stand up each morning
and call myself a man.
Climb in the shower and wash off last night's indecision
while jigsawing my spirit back together (after watching my
friends apply just enough pressure to collapse it.)

The shower is a place of healing.
Like putting on a new face for the day at hand.
Its pure.
Standing under warm water;
cleansing all facets of me.

I still piss in the shower like a little boy;
it doesn't really help me feel more manly.



I liked the beginning and end(the end supposing it weren't actually the end) more than anything else. The shower interpertation felt empty and didn't really accomplish much to me.

The fact that the end was the end, annoyed me a little bit. You didn't come to any conclusion about your situation. Which made the entire poem feel like the clever depressing ramblings I'd find in my blog after masturbating and not being able to sleep.

I liked it, I just feel like some self discovery might make the message conveyed more worthwhile.

-Jake

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=994802, if you care to.

But, the fact
#12
Your recent edit has made this tolerable, and even enjoyable. A much better display of real ideas. e.g. much better without the dark sarcasm you (at least I think) wanted.

I think you got what everyone else meant, so I'll not beat a dead zigzagoon.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#13
^^ im going to second clichealias, i think the ending lost its effectiveness because of a lack of build up. everything you said before the last two lines was great but for the ending to justify the piece i think there needs to be a little more before it.
#14
This is much better now. I think there were just too many words before, and they got in the way of what you were trying to get across. Not my favourite, but enjoyable nevertheless
#15
- "(after watching my
friends apply just enough pressure to collapse it.)" - I thought this was the only line that really caught my attention.
The ending, as people have mentioned, was misplaced and lost a lot of it's disturbling character because of the poems layout. When I read it, I just thought, 'dude, I don't want to know that'. Not because I'm afraid of reading honesty, but because of the way you displayed it. You said it like you were proud of it. I don't know whether I'm explaining myself properly but it just came out of nowhere and felt inappropriate and uncalled for.

As a whole, this was OK.
Sorry it didn't grab me very well, mate.