#1
For Mat. Because I'm not likely to write anything decent for awhile.


my mouth is a funeral,
speaking autumn leaves and
dead poetry.
the echoes of rapture
would rattle the trees.
(all numb and petrified,
divorcing their leaves)
and in a preface of passion,
a warning of winter,
my body will crack,
chip, and wither,
collapse in a pile
of fragile glass splinters

and i guess things just have to be this way
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#3
This was pure beauty, but i expect nothing less from you. This could be your best piece for a while, maybe not. I loved every second of it.
#4
Very well written, beautiful.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#6
Damn, that was good. The metaphors were awesome and it actually made me feel warm and reminded me of visiting my Great Grandma's grave in the fall. I don't know why. The first song in a LOOONG time that has given me any feeling. Check mine out please?
Quote by Ponyexpress
Grammar Nazis scare the living crap out of me mainly because I'm half Jewish


MY SONGS:
[thread="985311"]A Love/Hate Relationship[/thread]
[thread="985301"](All) I Can See[/thread]
[thread="983897"]My Heart is a Hand Grenade[/thread]
#8
I didn't like the second leaves, it came across to me as stale rather than subtle or well tied together repetition.

The rest was beautiful.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#9
^ I didn't see that, thankee.

Love you guys. Let me know what you all want admired.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#11
beautiful. my only complaint is the repeated use of leaves so close to each other. i prefer the 2nd usage because i love that () part.
nice work of course.
#14
I can't think of a fix for the first leaves that I like. I'm not one to revise anyway, all my stuff is pretty much OTS.

Thank you all for your thoughts.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#15
Honestly, I thought everything before a 'warning of winter' was a load of pretentious drivel. After that, pure class. I didn't pick up the power of it straight away, which made it even more effective.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#16
dude I love little Mattieu, where is that kid? And you know what else I love...?


this piece, nice work man
No Recent Activity