#1
this is just a song that i wrong for no reason, just was bored and had a headache
verse 1:
M brains dead
fryed in a skillet
chard to perfection
because of the things i have thought
like racism still rampit here
like pregnant teenagers showing off their gear
and my oh so crappy love life!
Chorus:
i think i'm giong insane
with this unbearable pain
just lock me up in one of those padded cells
and just let it go to hell.
verse 2:
i gotten in countless fights
with me, myself and i
over such stupid things
as simple words
what happened to those careless days?
i'm so old yet so young
chorus.
verse 3:
did i do this to myself
should i call for help
or just lay here in mental pain.
With no asprin to help.
Chorusx3
#2
thanks for the crit on mine
quite a few things i would work on, for you:

the chorus is too long to be repeated 3 times at the end of the song

in verse 3, you're rhyming "help" with "help"... not good.

i see hardly any flow, dude. I'm sorry but you jump from one thing to another, with no connection whatsoever, and the chorus sounds like it's been taken from a completely different song.

"and my oh so crappy love life!" ...i'm going to hope that that's line sung jokingly.
#3
thanks, yeah that love life part was jokingly writin' and yeah i suck at flow but i am determined to improve! Now that i look back(and have found a synonym) i think help should totally be changed completely.
#4
"M brains dead
fryed in a skillet"

that was a line I really liked,
but to be honest the rest of the song failed to entertain.


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Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#5
I liked it. If you play it hella fast and make it in powerchords it could be the next pop/punk song to catch on. I reallly did like it though. I agree with the 'help' rhyming with 'help' thing though, try, "No asprin for my health" or something like that. Could you crit a song in my sig please? Thanx.
Quote by Ponyexpress
Grammar Nazis scare the living crap out of me mainly because I'm half Jewish


MY SONGS:
[thread="985311"]A Love/Hate Relationship[/thread]
[thread="985301"](All) I Can See[/thread]
[thread="983897"]My Heart is a Hand Grenade[/thread]
#7
yeah like the other guy said do not rhyming help with help big no does not sound good
crit mine?