#1
i had to repost, i forgot you can't put C4C in the thread title.
anyways here you guys go, so uhh..
C4C i guess.
Also, post what you think might be a more suitable name for a song like this.
----------------

they say acceptance comes last.
but i'm a bit skeptical
maybe there isn't such a thing,
maybe it's just a stalemate we reach
and decide,
it isn't worth it.
like you.
or where you used to say
we'd fall asleep together.
a beach, you'd tell me.
A body of water.
an ocean
or a lake.
you were just playing along (hahaha!).
that's the way i see it now.
cause i know thats not what you meant.
so cross your heart.
pray that the ink upon my arm
spells out the word "love"
and not "lie", or "liar" or something.
and i'm not accusing you of lying
i'm just asking you to set your priorities straight
like putting fruits before vegetables
clever?
i think so.
that's really all it is.
really.
so before i break this oath,
just know that you aren't alone.
cause there are places i would rather be right now
like fooling around on a slip 'n slide
or playing cards in front of a fireplace.
#2
It's pretty good. If you haven't already I'd suggest to make sections, so it's not all one big paragraph.

There's a few lines I would change. I think the line "and not 'lie,' or 'liar' or something" shouldn't end with "...or something" because it can be more descriptive than that.
And the last two lines of the song I would suggest editing. It needs to be less expected than just slip 'n slide and playing cards.

I'm sure it won't be too hard to think of how it could be fixed. This is some impressive writing, so don't give up.

As for the title, I was thinking Acceptance or There Are Places I Would Rather Be. Just off the top of my head there.

Keep writing,

Gonzo
#3
Um i like it alot. but it might be a good idea to split it into paragrpahs so that it's not just one massive block of text. To be honest though, reading through it, it's extremely difficult to think of a way that you could make this flow smoothly. Maybe you've found a flow though, i dont know.

the (hahaha) after "you were just playing along" seems a bit random... but overall i really like the idea of this piece and it could be improved, but it is a solid piece already.
I'm here to help

Quote by Jimbleton
ok, as usual pit is being very unhelpful except andychalmers, so im gonna go post this someplace else


And a master of storytelling...

Quote by Jackolas
andychalmers102, that story is awesome.