#1
well, it feels good to start writing again. here goes....

***
The eyes within the clouds conceal all shadows, as it spills another shade, spreading like people running from hysteria in masses. Should I peel back this plastic to reveal the top story? Startled, like expected, the headline reads, "Shuttle Returns from Space With More Passengers Than When Launched." I slowly start to feel like I do when praying doesn't seem like enough, flinching at things that have long been accepted as fact.

"We should be able to see great things tonight," a man on the street corner screams, pointing to the clouds that pass behind the fully illuminated moon. 'Able to see what?' I felt like yelling back, as I throw the classified section of the newspaper away. 'Able to see the suffering man has imposed upon itself, the brutality, the anger, everything that we've been told we shalt not do. Is it that we try so hard not to that eventually become it anyway?' I flinch again, kind of purposely this time, away from the front page, and begin thumbing backwards, anywhere. 'I wonder where they put that advice column now?'
#3
ha. im glad you're back.
i read the other piece you posted and enjoyed it but i think this is definitely a step above that one. i could nitpick but to me this is great just as is.
#5
Thank you for the comment on mine. I appreciate it. Anyways, I enjoyed reading and I thought the closing line was really insightful. The only problem I had was the "Able to see what" response. It just seems that something like "Great things, my ass!" would be more appropriate. Anyways, its nice to have you back.
#6
thanks man, it is good to be back. yeah, i can see how that could be a better approach to that line. i shall look further into it.
#7
I like the writing. I do.

I just don't feel it. It almost seems as though it's trying to be distant and disconnected from me, from a reader's stand point. There's nothing there that draws me in, that captures me in the web of writing and ideas and emotion. I read it and move on, when what I want from writing is to feel something.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#8
In a way, that is kind of what i am trying to portray here, the disconnection between each other in society that has been imposed on ourselves through various techniques, being either external (media, government, etc.) or internal (thoughts, pleasures, urges, etc.). it should be hard to connect with something that is disconnected.
#9
you've always been disconnected. that is kind of the appeal of your work, its got this really alienated paranoid feel but it isn't condescending and thats why i've always liked it. kind of reminds me of what Thom Yorke should sound like as obvious as that relation is. if anyone on this forum is writing in terms of post-modern it is certainly you as you're capturing the alienation of the '20s and how it is clearly paralleled to today. you may not always write the best pieces, but they always have merits and points and in all the bullshit that is on here it is refreshing and always cool to see that.

its good not to relate all the time and while its not not relating its just you are writing in a style that doesn't appeal to emotion rather to thought process and that is really refreshing.
#12
thanks guys. this is one of those pieces that just kind of 'spills' out. it needed to be written and i just let it happen
#13
Quote by streetcarp19
well, it feels good to start writing again. here goes....

***
The eyes within the clouds conceal all shadows, as it spills another shade, spreading like people running from hysteria in masses.


I think "spreading like people running from hysteria in masses" was awkward. Maybe "like masses running from hysteria" or something similarly condensed.

Should I peel back this plastic to reveal the top story? Startled, like expected, the headline reads, "Shuttle Returns from Space With More Passengers Than When Launched." I slowly start to feel like I do when praying doesn't seem like enough, flinching at things that have long been accepted as fact.


not sure how I feel about this "praying" simile either.

"We should be able to see great things tonight," a man on the street corner screams, pointing to the clouds that pass behind the fully illuminated moon. 'Able to see what?' I felt like yelling back, as I throw the classified section of the newspaper away.


tenses are mixed up here. "I felt like yelling back, as I throw"? I assume throw should be "threw". I think "classified section of the newspaper" is somewhat wordy, when "classifieds" would convey the same thing.

all in all I found this interesting, especially as a former editor in chief. definitely liked it, and what I said last night stands, glad to see you're writing again. I agree that its a great feeling.