#1
idk, i really like this one, i smoked a bowl and put on sigur ros and this is what happened. i know i owe crits so leave links.

listen in,
scrape the metal wear your fingers thin,
who doesn't die will still be reborn,
in a chicken coup in a listening booth in a baking pan in the kitchen stove.
mother told you to stop clapping your hands,
so would you please stop clapping your hands?
you heart seems to turn on and off as the applause meter demands.
you've been watching too much tv,
you've been eating too many sweets,
mother said to stop clapping your hands,
you'll wear your beautiful palms thin.

listen in,
you can hear the faint sound of happiness
in birthday halls in bathroom stalls in all that's left after the bombs fall.
who let you in the front door?
who invited you here anyways?
what's that tattoo on your arm say?
'when you're dead you're still not really dead'?
#2
the heart part is amazing dude, i loved that line
"your heart seems to turn on and off as the applause meter demands"
its just so amazing and in a way makes sense
#3
whats thes song about? i think the 1st verse is much stronger then the second. i also loved that heart line lol pretty cool better then anything ive ever written
#4
God.

I ****ing adore you sir. This was gold.

(I know someone is going to bitch about your punctuation. **** em'.)

"mother told you to stop clapping your hands,
so would you please stop clapping your hands?
you heart seems to turn on and off as the applause meter demands."
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#5
There are so many little things in this that just.. ugh. They're just great. I have nothing constructive to say, although a lot of this doesn;t make complete sense.. But it's not really supposed to, now is it?
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#6
That, my friend, was pure and utter gold! there is not a single thing in here that lets you down. The rhyming is beautiful, the flow is fantastic, and some of the lines...WOW!

"mother told you to stop clapping your hands,
so would you stop clapping your hands?"

That - that is perfection. Well done
#7
I liked what you said and it all sounded interesting. Though, I'm not sure you really had any intentional message or emotion that drove what you wrote.

It seemed like the scattered thoughts of a man who thinks too much, intentionally selected to flow.

I'd classify it with beck I think.

My link is in my signature
#8
thanks for all the crits.
im disappointed ^ you couldn't find any meaning in it, to me its right there but i guess thats cause i wrote it. it does kind of go from idea to idea but i think it all relates.
#9
You've got some great stuff in here, especially the clapping your hands/applause meter bit. Unfortunately, it's a bit too sporadic for my tastes, and I feel it lacks a central theme. The line "in a chicken coup in a listening booth in a baking pan in the kitchen stove." especially seems like something that's supposed to be elusive, but has meaning to the author. Unfortunately, it just seems like bullshit to me, and it doesn't mean much of ANYTHING. I think this has some potential, but would probably be better suited to be divided up and expanded upon.

Also, what are "birthday halls"? Could you explain that?

Edit: By the way, this came off as harsh. I should say, you're a good writer. I enjoyed it thoroughly from a writing aspect alone, but I feel like it's missing some substance.
#10
central theme is death and being born again, thats it basically.
birthday halls? halls/ballrooms people rent out for their birthday celebrations.

don't come in here and say that this is complete bullshit. if you don't understand something ask, dont assume it means nothing, thats bullshit.