#1
Dig a hole, and dance for storms.

Let the lake dictate the depth of suffering
in this dark time. Applaud the massing
burdeons with a crackling spine, and
when the cork is popped, give your body
over to the rush of slapping hands.

My grave, but distant water in the desert.

Let the lake dictate the depth of suffering,
in these dark and murky times.


Read, walk on.
#5

Ibanez SR506BM
Ashdown Little Giant 1000w
Peavey TVX 115+410
A big ass upright

#6
Quote by m4l666

+1

No, in all seriousness sir, this was fantastic.

Gorgeous, beautiful writing, my friend.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#7
Content = nearly spot on. I wasn't sure about 'Over' it sounds too passive, too soft for 1) the rest of the imagery, 2) the tongue, something harsher might suit it better.

I did have a slight issue with the line breaks in places, after reading it several times I thought the way you broke them in places (highlighted) could have been improved to aid the reader continue with the idea/image you were building.


Let the lake dictate the depth of suffering
in this
dark time. Applaud the massing
burdeons with a crackling spine, and
when the cork is popped, give your body
over to
the rush of slapping hands.


But that is some serious knit-picking. As always a pleasure to read your work, I'm finally beginning to appreciate fully what you've been writing for the past year.

I have a piece about called 'unsentimental' if you get the time.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=989769& -- a PM if you don't want to bump it.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#8
I agree with the above other than 'over'.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#9
I also agree with Steve but agree with Katherine about the 'over' bit.

This was nice.
I never really 'got' your style of writing. It never really grabbed me very well. Of course, to others you are favoured and revered, but I'm only now starting to acclimatize to your obscure - maybe overly metaphorical - method of approach. It's not that you write in an weird way, it's just not really my thing. Maybe it will be when I progress more as a writer and a reader.

Digitally Clean
#10
it was very good, it was a little akward at a few part, but all of the analogy's if thats the right word, where clever. crit mine? its in sig
#11
I like your work because even if i don't get it, i still really enjoy reading it, and this was no different. Well done
#12
mmmm, no.
this won't die just yet.

it's really good to see you comin round again, Jamie. :]
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#13
I like this... definitely created an atmosphere. I especially like the repetition of the lake line, with the addition.